


Betwixt and Between

by LyricalKris



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Drama, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-02
Updated: 2012-11-22
Packaged: 2017-11-13 09:33:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 57,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/502043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LyricalKris/pseuds/LyricalKris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We are the sum total of our experiences. Jasper woke up a million miles away from the man he remembered himself to be. His past was forever barred to him, his present a confusing paradox he couldn't accept. He had a choice: try to remember the man they said he was or make his way anew again.</p><div class="center">
  <p><br/><a href="http://s118.beta.photobucket.com/user/lyricalkris/library/Twilight%20Fanfic%20Stuff"></a><br/><img/><br/>And a pretty fan banner:</p>
  <p>
    <a href="http://s118.beta.photobucket.com/user/lyricalkris/media/Twilight%20Fanfic%20Stuff/BB_zps9d1662a9.jpeg.html">
      <img/>
    </a>
  </p>
</div>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Dedication: So my poor flower, jfka06, watched as everyone but her got a fic they wanted. Her want was simple: Jasper/Edward loving. But alas, this silly writer can never write without a plot. Jasper/Edward plots are few and far between in my head. So this has been a long time coming. Jfka06 - I love you.**

**Disclaimer: Not SM. Just playing with her beautiful toys.**

* * *

Why did bad things always happen in the middle of the night?

No, that wasn't a very accurate thing to think. Jasper's accident had actually happened in the daytime, but no one had called Edward until the small hours of the morning. Everyone was asleep - or they had been until Edward had looked around, realized if someone didn't stop him, he would go out of his mind, and called in the cavalry.

Emmett was there, of course, but after Edward had hollered at him, the man had gone off to lick his wounds in another corner of the hospital, far away from Jasper, just like Edward wanted. It wasn't fair. It wasn't Emmett's fault, but Edward couldn't stand the sight of the hulking man. How had he let this happen? The whole point of doing what he and Jasper - thrill seekers that they were - did  _together_ was to keep safe. There was safety in numbers.

Jasper was supposed to be safe. He'd promised.

So now Edward waited alone, pacing, going out of his skin.

_Anything, I'll give you anything. Just let him live._

"Edward?"

Alice Whitlock - Jasper's ex-wife and the mother of his little girl, Bella - looked frantic. Of course. Edward hadn't exactly been coherent when he called. "What's going on?" she demanded, hurrying over to him.

Edward took a deep breath. "It happened almost twelve hours ago." His voice cracked because he couldn't help but imagine Jasper lying helpless for so long. "Emmett and Jasper were hiking Mt. Rainier. The trail was a little icy. Jasper slipped and fell." Another deep breath. "He fell beyond where Emmett could get to him and he was unconscious. Emmett had to hike out to get help."

Alice's hands went to her mouth. "Oh, God." She stepped forward, wrapping Edward in her arms as he held her close.

"I don't know much. He's still in surgery," Edward finished. "It's bad, Al. It's really bad."

"He's going to be fine. He's got to be," Alice muttered, stumbling backward and sitting down. "How could I ever tell Bella..." She shook her head fervently. "No. He's going to be fine. Jasper's a fighter. He'll make it."

Edward sat down beside her, offering his hand, grateful when she took it and squeezed tight.

In some other universe, Edward and Alice would have been very good friends, and the scene that played out then wouldn't have been so unusual. They were very similar people and when their defenses were down, they enjoyed each others company very much.

Their problem came in one simple fact: they had the same taste in men.

Alice had been Jasper Whitlock's first love. Edward Cullen had every intention of being his last.

_**~0~** _

The next few hours were daunting for everyone involved. The waiting room filled up slowly, family and friends waking each other, getting on the horn.

Rosalie Hale, Emmett's fiancé, showed up next, followed quickly by Edward's parents, Carlisle and Esme.

With everyone around to calm him, Edward apologized for taking out his fear on Emmett and the large man - nearly bent double in guilt - took his rightful place in the waiting room with the rest of them.

They waited.

Just as dawn was breaking, the doctor came out to see them all.

The official diagnoses was Jasper was comatose but stable. They'd repaired a lot of internal damage. He'd taken a horrible blow to the head. Only time would tell.

Jasper was no fool. He knew the risks he took when he and Emmett went out climbing. He'd taken the precaution of having Edward named his attorney in fact so medical decisions would be made by him. Lord knew he didn't trust Maria and Deacon - his parents.

"I want to prepare you, Mr. Cullen," the doctor said gently. "He looks a little gruesome."

Falling down a cliffside would do that, Edward imagined.

He steeled himself, but how could he possibly be prepared for what he saw?

The man he loved was slack, his skin - what little of it was visible - was a sickly pallor of grey. His head was bandaged, but his face was a mess of scrapes and bruises. From what Edward could tell, his pretty, long blond hair had been shaved away.

His right hand was relatively unharmed, and so that was where Edward situated himself, curling Jasper's fingers around his, whispering to him encouragingly, bargaining with every power of the universe for his lover to wake up and blink his beautiful brown eyes and smile his breathtaking grin again.

Jasper remained unresponsive, his eyes closed, his hand limp in Edward's.

_**~0~** _

Days turned into weeks and still Jasper slept.

He was hardly ever alone. Alice and Bella were there frequently. Bella insisted. She would sit on Alice's lap or Edward's and talk to her father every day. She would kiss him and tell him she loved him.

Alice would only let her stay for an hour or so. Bella was loathe to leave her daddies with Jasper still sleeping and Edward being so sad. But Alice wanted to keep her life as normal and happy as possible.

When Edward could be convinced to leave his side, Jasper entertained a wide range of visitors. He was a police officer and well liked on the force, so his fellow officers dropped in on their off time. Jasper's sister Lucy flew in, though Maria and Deacon only called for updates.

Still, Jasper slept.

Slowly, his physical wounds faded, began to heal. The bandages around his head were unravelled revealing jagged, nasty gashes along one side of his head. He was going to be so scarred when he recovered from this.

"You're still beautiful to me," Edward told him every day.

_**~0~** _

Jasper did wake up.

It was the middle of the night again when Edward felt a tug at his hand. He was awake in a heartbeat, leaning over Jasper, saying his name as a tear escaped and rolled down his cheek.

Carefully, talking softly to him, Edward stroked his fingers down Jasper's face. Jasper looked confused and frightened. Edward did his best to soothe him.

"It's okay, love. You're just fine. Everything's going to be just fine."

Jasper's eyes focused finally on him, and they were the most beautiful thing Edward had ever seen.

And then they narrowed sharply, and Jasper yanked his arm out of Edward's grasp.

"You better... you better back up off me, man," Jasper said, his voice thick and raspy.

Edward blinked. "What?"

"Look you... I'm sure you don't mean any harm, but you need to be out of my personal space."

"Jasper?"

Jasper didn't respond. He was looking around now, blinking sporadically, taking notice of things like the IV in his arm and the fact his body wouldn't respond the way he wanted it to. "What the hell... what the hell is going on?"

"Calm down," Edward soothed. He started to stroke Jasper's cheek, but his lover batted his hand away harshly.

"Stop. Touching. Me," Jasper demanded in a growl. "Where the fuck am I? What happened?" He dragged in a deep breath. "Look. You need to call my wife. Her name is Alice. You need to call her right now."

All the breath left Edward's lungs in one big whoosh as Jasper's words hit him hard. He imagined taking a hit right to the gut from Thor's hammer would hurt less than his lover's confused, angry words. "Jasper... do you know who I am?" he asked in a small voice, dreading the answer.

Jasper's frantic eyes looked at him, searching.

"No. I don't."

* * *

**A/N: Ouch.**

**Thank you to jfka06 and barburella.**

**This fic will start posting when Just a Number and Call Me Home are done... which should really only be a few days.**

**So. Thoughts? Fears? Hopes? Questions?**


	2. Seven Year Itch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okay, sports fans... here we go. Please keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle at all times.

Jasper thought when Alice got there, everything would get better. Instead, things got much, much worse.

When he woke up in pain, confused, and alone in a hospital room with a strange man who was all up in his business, all he could think was that Alice would make it better. Whatever the hell was going on, she would explain it to him.

She would explain why it wasn't her at his bedside, but the strange man with the tortured green eyes.

But now Alice was looking at him with pity.

She was changed from the woman he remembered, the woman he would have sworn he woke up beside just this morning. Her hair was longer, for one. She'd worn it in a messy pixie cut - so wild, just like her. It was just so spunky. But more than that, there was a tightness around her eyes that hadn't been there before.

"I don't understand," he muttered to the ceiling, still trying to process the news she'd softly handed down to him. "What do you mean we're not married?"

Alice looked to the doctor who nodded encouragingly. Jasper bristled. He was confused and he didn't like it. He didn't like all these people talking to him slowly, like he was a little kid who had to be made to understand how the real world worked.

Before Alice got there, he'd gotten the idea that he was missing some time. There was an accident, they said. Apparently, he'd gone and fallen off a cliff.

Funny. He couldn't remember being very fond of hiking and rock climbing and all that. Emmett - who the doctor'd said had been with him - was constantly trying to get him to get up and go. Jasper always had better things to do.

"We got divorced quite some time ago," Alice said carefully.

Jasper's thoughts were beginning to click on. His head had begun to spin when the doctor told him he appeared to be missing some time. It was perfectly understandable, the doctor said. He'd taken quite a blow to the head. Every thought in his head vacated the premises when Alice had arrived and gently explained they weren't married anymore. Now, though, they were coming back with a vengeance, too numerous to deal with.

"You said I've been unconscious for weeks," he asked the doctor who nodded. He looked at Alice. "Are my parents dead?"

Her eyes went wide with shock. "No!"

"But they aren't here," he surmised as much. He'd been alone with the stranger in the middle of the night. His parents - bossy as all get out normally - hadn't barged in here. Something wasn't adding up at all.

"No. But your sister is in the waiting room."

"Why aren't my parents here?"

Again that look. Alice, who hadn't touched him since the first relieved, thank-god-you're-finally-awake hug, squeezed his hand. "You and your parents aren't on very good terms lately."

"Why?" He knew he was getting tetchy but he couldn't help it. They were all pissing him off.

"Because... they didn't approve of you divorcing me."

Jaspers heart twisted. He was in a fair amount of pain from his other injuries, but he was sure it was his heart that ached worst. "I divorced you?"

She sighed. "Honey, it's a long story," she said tiredly.

"How long?" He swallowed hard, closing his eyes. "How much time am I missing?"

The doctor cleared his throat. "It's the fourth of September, 2012."

Jasper's eyes went wide. He felt lightheaded, his mind struggling to wrap around the idea of missing that much time.

Seven years. He was missing damn near seven years. Last he remembered, it had been just a few days after Christmas. Just a few mornings ago, to his reckoning, Alice had told him she had a late Christmas present. She was...

Jasper tried to sit up straight.

And quickly laid back down again, dizzy and in a tremendous amount of pain. The doctor lurched forward. So did Alice. They were both trying to get him to settle.

"Just breathe, Mr. Whitlock. You probably jarred something you shouldn't have. Can't be moving like that," the doctor scolded.

Jasper tried to breathe, tried to get his head to stop spinning long enough that he could formulate words.

"This will help," the doctor said, injecting something into Jasper's IV. He grimaced. "Well, we know now he can move at least that much," he said to Alice. "That's something at least."

Already Jasper was getting woozy, his thoughts blurring around the edges. He struggled to shake off the lingering pain and the lethargy long enough that he could ask a very important question.

"Alice?" he rasped.

She stroked his cheek, her expression the tender one he'd been aching to see all night. "I'm right here, Jasper."

"We were..." He struggled to take deep breaths. "Going to... have a baby."

Her eyes were teary. "Oh, Jasper. We have a little girl. Bella. She's going to be six in a week and a half."

He had a daughter. Not a baby, but a full-sized child.

It was the last thought he had before he drifted back to sleep.

**_~0~_ **

Bella's weight in Edward's arms was reassuring. She yawned, readjusting her arms around his neck and snuggling against him. Her breath was hot on his throat.

Edward just held her. Cuddling was good. He could use a good cuddle.

"Daddy?" she said sleepily.

"What is it, sweetheart?"

"Don't be sad. Papa will get better now." Her eyelashes fluttered against his skin, and some of the weight around his heart lifted ever so slightly. She sounded so utterly certain. Though she'd been tearful and worried off and on through these long weeks, now she sounded serene.

If only he could have a child's faith.

"Things should be so simple," Lucy, sitting next to him, commiserated.

Edward spared her a wan smile and kissed Bella's hair, taking what comfort he could.

More minutes passed before Alice emerged from Jasper's hospital room. Alice had obviously been crying. Edward stood, Bella and all, looking at her anxiously. "What happened. Did..."

Alice put her hand up to stop his flow of paranoia. "He startled himself and the doctor had to dope him again to manage the pain. The doctor is looking him over now to make sure he hasn't hurt himself worse."

She reached for Bella and Edward transferred the sleeping little girl to her mother's arms.

Closing her eyes, Alice hugged Bella tightly. "He's missing almost seven years."

All the breath left Edward's body as he sat heavily. On some level, he'd known of course. Jasper and Alice had been divorced as long as Bella had been alive, so when he'd asked for his wife...

But this. This was much worse than he wanted to believe.

Rubbing his eyes, Edward swallowed past the painful lump in his throat. "What did you tell him?"

"That we're divorced. That his parents didn't come to see him, and that he has a daughter."

"You didn't-"

"That's a lot of information to process, Edward," she said shortly, knowing where he was going.

Edward hung his head, rubbing his hands together restlessly.

Alice sighed, readjusting Bella. "Anyway. He's going to be out for a while. Maybe we should all take the time to get a little sleep ourselves." She looked at Edward pointedly.

"I'm staying."

"He's not ready to see you," she argued, a little exasperated.

"I know that," he snapped.

Lucy put a hand on his shoulder. "Maybe it's a good idea to get a little rest in your own bed, Edward," she encouraged gently.

"I won't leave him. It doesn't matter if he doesn't remember. I'm not going to leave."

What if he did? What if he woke up and remembered and Edward wasn't there?

"Fine.  _I'm_  going home. Going to get a little more sleep," Alice declared.

"Alice," Edward called just before she left.

She stopped and turned to him. It was still a few more seconds before he could speak though. It pained him to have to ask and she knew it. "Will you be back when he wakes up?"

"Yeah. I'll be back after I drop Bella off at daycare." She sounded weary.

He hated that he needed her but figured it would be best for Jasper to have a familiar face tell him...

"Alice," he called again, his voice , like his posture, tense.

"What?"

As much as he swallowed, he could not get the lump in his throat to dissipate. He could hardly breathe around it. "If he wants to stay with you..."

Though he could never regret his precious little girl, Jasper absolutely hated that before he figured himself out, before he knew what he needed and wanted in life, he'd broken the heart of a woman he truly loved. Things were better and, for Bella's sake, they were all friends, but Edward wasn't oblivious to the fact Alice was still in love with Jasper.

Alice blew out a long breath. "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it," she said finally and walked away before he could respond.

Edward clenched his hands into fists.

Lucy rubbed his back soothingly. "My brother loves you, Edward."

He didn't respond right away. Couldn't. His throat was too tight and it was all he could do to hold back tears. He gasped a little as he failed and put a hand over his eyes, bowing his head.

Lucy pulled him into a hug.

"He doesn't even remember why he and Alice broke up." His voice was raw. "He doesn't remember me. He doesn't even remember it's okay for him to love me."

Edward hadn't let it hit him until that very moment. This wasn't even just a question of who Jasper would go home with. This went so much deeper. Seven years ago, so much of Jasper's true identity was repressed - unknown or at least unaccepted by his own psyche.

Their entire life together was shattered, Edward realized. It was in pieces scattered all over the floor.

And above everything else, Edward was a realist. He knew there was every possibility the life he shared with Jasper - the life he rather enjoyed - could be gone forever.

After all the long weeks of waiting, Edward broke down in Jasper's sister's arms and wept.

~0~

When Jasper woke up again, after the doctors had their fill of asking him questions and examining him, he was relieved when another familiar face poked his head in the door, taking the empty chair beside his bedside. "Emmett," he said, his voice scratchy to his own ears.

Emmett looked up and grinned. Again, Jasper could see the change. Like Alice wasn't a girl anymore. Emmett wasn't a boy. None of them were the same people they'd been at nineteen and twenty. Jasper had yet to look at himself in the mirror - he wasn't ready for it yet - but Alice and Emmett were definitely adults. Still, at least Emmett's grin was the same huge smile full of teeth.

"I heard you decided to join the party." Emmett's voice was booming as usual but gentle. Jasper felt the corner of his mouth turn up slightly.

"I guess," Jasper grumbled.

"Alice will be here in a minute. She's just dropping Bella off at daycare."

Jasper's heart lurched a little both because Alice was coming back and because of the mention of Bella. "What's she like?"

Emmett looked confused. "Alice?"

"No. Bella."

"Oh." Emmett's grin only widened. "She's an awesome little chick. Funny. Smart. Good people."

Jasper stared up sightlessly. "I have a daughter," he muttered. He felt overwhelmed and turned his head to the side just in time to see the strange man from earlier peer in the door. Jasper felt a jolt go through him, caught in the stormy green for a moment before the man turned away, walking out of sight again.

"That guy is still here," he muttered.

"You mean Edward?"

Jasper looked up at Emmett. "Is that his name?"

The skin around Emmett's eyes tightened. "Wow. You really don't remember him?"

"Should I?" He scoffed. "Obviously I should if he was in here in the middle of the night. Is he a friend?"

Emmett looked uncomfortable. "Yeah... I think you should wait until Alice gets here."

"Alice," he muttered, his heart aching again. "I divorced Alice." He cocked his head. "Emmett... why the hell would I divorce Alice? Especially after we had a little girl?"

"Jazz, stop pestering Emmett," a tired, somewhat bemused voice distracted them. Jasper looked up, finding Alice in the doorway. She gave him a small smile. "I'll answer your questions, okay, but you have to promise to keep calm," she said sternly.

"Think that's my cue," Emmett said, standing. He clapped Jasper on the shoulder lightly. "Hey, man. I wanted to tell you... I'm sorry for how this all went down."

Jasper shook his head slightly. "From what the doctor said, it wasn't your fault. If you hadn't gone for help when you did, I'd have been dead."

Emmett shuddered, visibly disturbed. "Yeah... I thought you were. I really thought you were," he said quietly before shaking his head and walking out the door.

Alice took his place. Jasper found he couldn't look at her. He was still confused and pissed off. He hated it.

"Okay," Alice began again. "Seven years is a long time, Jasper. A lot has happened."

"Obviously," Jasper grumbled.

"So what do you want to know first?"

A million voices shouted in his head, a million questions he wanted,  _needed_ , answered. "Can I meet Bella? What does she know? Does she live with you?"

"Whoa. One at a time, tiger." Alice looked bemused. "Of course you can see Bella. She's at daycare right now, but she wants to see you really bad." Her expression was cautious. "But maybe after you've had a little time to adjust."

Jasper just huffed. He wondered if there was any way to adjust to his life being so unrecognizable. But he understood what Alice meant. It wouldn't do for him to be so all over the place around a kid.

"She knows about the accident, of course. She visits you almost every day. And we share custody. There's no formal arrangement between us. There never has been."

"That's something at least," Jasper muttered. He should have known he and Alice were friendly enough, otherwise what was she doing there at all?

He took a deep breath, hissing because it caused him no small amount of ache to do so. "Okay..." He finally looked up at her, only to get distracted when he glimpsed the man - Edward - walk by again. His green eyes met Jasper's briefly before he looked away, walking on.

It was obvious even in that brief second he was in a tremendous amount of emotional agony.

"Okay. Who the fuck is that guy? The one with the personal space issues. Edward."

Alice took a deep breath, visibly steeling herself. "Edward is your boyfriend," she said carefully.

Jasper blinked at her, positive he'd heard wrong. When she only looked back at him with pensive eyes, he wracked his brain, trying to figure out why she would want to say something like that. He laughed, the sound raw and a little hysterical. "Oh, come on, Alice."

"Why on Earth would I lie to you about something like that?" she challenged, her voice tired.

"I'm trying to figure that out." He shifted against the pillow, his thoughts reeling. "I mean, I can tell I hurt you. Obviously I hurt you bad enough my parents won't even see..."

He sucked in a big gulp of air, his chest tightening.

His parents would probably not understand their son being with a man, let alone leaving his wife for one, if that was what had happened.

But no. It was impossible. He was in love with Alice. He loved her enough to marry her. Yeah, they were young - they'd been young - and everyone told them they were foolish to get married when they were barely 19, but...

"No," he shook his head. "I don't know what the hell you think you're pulling. You're mad at me. It's only right you think you can mess with my head, but just don't. Please. Whatever it is, you tell me the truth right now."

"That is the truth. You and Edward have been together for four years.

"Just shut up," he snarled. "I don't believe you. I don't fucking believe you!"

"For fuck's sake, Jasper. You almost died. You could have never woken up. Bella would have been without her Papa. You think after all that I'd want to fuck with you when you're here like this?" she challenged.

His throat was too tight, dry. His chest felt like it was about to cave in, and his breath was coming too quick.

"Jasper." Alice stood, her hand on his shoulder. "Come on, honey. You have to breathe."

He couldn't. He couldn't breathe at all. Nothing about this world he'd woken up to made any sense.

The machines around him started to go crazy. There were spots in his vision, a tightening in his lungs. This was a nightmare and he wanted to wake up. For real. He wanted to wake up in a world where something -  _anything_  - made sense.

The room filled up with nurses. They pushed Alice back and tried to get him to calm down. When he wouldn't - couldn't - they doped him again. A different med this time. Not pain meds like the night before, but anti-anxiety they explained.

Either way, his little fit left him exhausted, and Jasper couldn't keep his eyes open.

Just before he let sleep take him, his eyes drifted to the doorway. His sister was there - no longer the thirteen year old girl of his memories, but a grown woman. It sent another shock through his system.

And of course, the tortured, worried eyes of the stranger - Edward.

His agonized expression was the last thing Jasper saw before he let sleep take him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Big hugs and kisses to Naeleny for beta. Thank you to jfka06 and barburella for always making my docs interesting.
> 
> Soooo... Thoughts? I think those boys need a good cuddle.


	3. Terms of Battle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okay, cats and kittens. Let's do this thing.

Jasper was absolutely enthralled with the little girl sitting on his bed; he simply couldn't stop staring.

She was a precious thing. She had his brown eyes and Alice's fine features. He wondered where she'd gotten her sweet temperament. Bella was hyper-aware of his injuries, often calming herself when she got a little too bouncy, lest she hurt him.

She'd greeted him with a hug and a kiss and said she was glad he was done sleeping. Then she'd promptly informed him they were playing pirates and pulled out a few props from her little backpack to assist her with this.

Carefully, she clambered further up, her little tongue sticking out as she fixed an eyepatch over his face as carefully as any almost-six-year-old was capable of.

"Today, you are Jaspah Sparrow, and I am Bella Swann," she informed him primly.

"Captain Sparrow has an eyepatch does he?" Jasper asked, amused.

"Uh huh. 'Cause of the same reason you lost all your hair, in a pirate battle. A cannonball blowed up in front of you."

"Is that what happened?"

"Yes. It burned off your dreads."

Jasper laughed. "You know what dreads are?"

"Daddy tolded me," she said, trying to adjust her big pirate hat so it didn't fall down over her eyes.

"I told you that?" Jasper asked, wishing he remembered.

Bella gave him a strange look. "No.  _Daddy_ told me."

It took Jasper a minute to understand what the little girl was talking about. He thought at first it must have meant that Alice had a boyfriend, but he already knew she didn't.

Jasper on the other hand...

He shook that thought away, determined not to let his twisting stomach and frazzled nerves intrude on his time with his daughter. Luckily, Bella was oblivious to his distress, babbling on merrily about pirate treasures and ships.

After about twenty minutes, Alice and Lucy came back from the walk they'd taken together. Jasper smiled at them.

"Look, Mommy. I has a treasure for you," Bella announced, hopping off the bed and proffering her mother a plastic necklace she'd recently pilfered.

"Thank you, baby. It's very pretty." She stooped down, her hands on her knees. "Now will you please gather all your things? We need to go."

The pleasant smile on Bella's face faded almost instantly. "No. No, I'm not done yet," she whined. "Me and Papa are playing."

"Well, it's time to leave now," Alice said firmly.

"I don't want to!" Bella insisted stubbornly, crossing her arms.

Alice sighed. "Bella, Papa needs his rest."

Jasper wished he could argue with that, but he was utterly exhausted, his eyelids already drooping. He opened his mouth to comfort Bella, but ended up yawning instead.

"See?" Alice smirked. "He's already falling asleep."

To both Jasper and Alice's great surprise, the little girl promptly burst into tears. She ran at Jasper, throwing herself up on the bed and into his arms. Jasper gasped in pain, but he held her, not sure what the hell was going on but knowing he hated seeing her cry.

"Bella, what..."

"You can't go to sleep again, Papa. You can't!" she sobbed. She lifted her head, miserable tears streaming down her face as she gulped and tried to speak. "I thought you were in a magic sleep like Sleeping Beauty. But then Daddy would be your prince, and when Daddy kissed you, you would wake up. But you didn't! You didn't and I'm a-feared if you go to sleep again, you won't wake up."

"Oh, baby..." he rasped. He wanted to comfort her, but she was squeezing him too tight. His abused body couldn't take it

"Bella. Be careful, sweetie." Alice carefully unwound Bella's arms from around Jasper's neck and pulled her away. "Papa's a little fragile right now."

"I'm sorry, Papa. Please don't go back to sleep."

"Baby girl, I won't sleep that long again," he said now that he could breathe a little better.

"Promise?"

He held out his pinky finger.

Sniffling, she reached down out of Alice's arms so she could curl her pinky around his. Calmer now that she'd secured his pinky swear, she gave him a kiss before she set about following her mother's first instruction, picking up her toys.

"Thank you," Alice told her. "Now why don't you go see Daddy? He's right outside. I think he could use a big Bella hug."

Bella was agreeable and kissed Jasper one more time before she scampered out the door.

Jasper banged his head back against the pillow.

"Talk to me, Jazz," Alice said quietly.

He swallowed hard. "I want to concentrate on Bella. I want to just be so amazed... and I am. She's incredible, Alice."

Alice's smile was soft. "She is. I'm waiting for the but..."

"But... I keep getting stuck on the fact my daughter -  _our_ daughter - calls another man Daddy." And that, though he hadn't pushed, hadn't tried to get Jasper to see him, he was well aware Edward had been close by all day long - probably all night, too. "I don't know what to feel about that. If he's the one who tore our family apart-"

How could he help but be pissed off? He'd woken up to find out his wife wasn't his wife anymore. Someone had stolen her away from him. It wasn't okay to touch her, hold her. He couldn't expect her sweet kisses maybe ever again.

So yeah, he was angry and befuddled and Edward was an easy, obvious target.

"He isn't."

Jasper looked up at Alice, surprised and, as usual, confused.

Alice laughed, the sound not remotely amused. "God..." she muttered, turning her head slightly to wipe away a surreptitious tear. "It would be so easy,  _so_ easy, to feed your anger, to take you back. " She sighed. "But it's not the right way."

Shaking her head, she looked at him with sad resolution. "This is not going to be easy for me. Edward's not one of my favorite people, but not because of anything he did to me - to us." She smiled slightly. "He just has you, that's all. You didn't meet Edward until Bella was around one. You filed for divorce when I was seven months pregnant."

It was another in a long series of sucker punches aimed directly at his gut. "Oh, God," his voice was dry, raspy. He stared up at the ceiling. "Who the fuck am I?"

She squeezed his hand sympathetically. "All the choices of our lives sound incomprehensible without context, I suppose." She rubbed her chin, as if deep in thought. "I don't know how to explain this part to you, and I understand why it's jarring, obviously. It was the shock of my life, and most days, I still don't think I'm over it.

"But that being said, I've obviously had a lot more time to think about it. What it all boils down to is a very simple concept with a very complicated execution: Life's a journey. Just because you have a destination in mind doesn't mean you'll get there."

Jasper swallowed, hating the way his throat was tight and his eyes stung with tears he refused to let accumulate. "I just... It's not something I wanted to lose. I don't remember being unhappy," he said in a small voice.

"We weren't unhappy. I understand, it makes it harder in some ways. But then again, you kept us from getting to a place where we were unhappy and tearing each other apart. It hurt like hell, but I did get to a place where I could appreciate that."

Jasper didn't say anything. He wanted to argue. Everything in him wanted to fight. "I don't understand."

"Honey, I'm really not the one who can help you with that." Her voice was still gentle but firm. She was a mother, no doubt about it. "Just meeting him doesn't mean you owe him anything."

Jasper hummed in response to let her know he'd heard her but otherwise didn't react. Alice waited a moment, but then began to get her things to leave, correctly assuming he was done talking. She always did know how to read his moods.

When Alice left, Lucy took her place at his side. She seemed content to prattle without needing much input from her brother. Jasper was appreciative. While he did want the company, he was out of words for the most part, his thoughts too tangled to form coherent sentences.

For minutes or hours, Jasper faded in and out, sleeping and waking, lost between what was real and what was just a dream. All logic told him this could not be happening, that he should fight for Alice - for his life as he knew it - but there was the niggling notion he was six years too late for that battle.

He woke some time later, his eyes opening slowly. The light in the room was dim - the tint of it yellow, telling him it was dusk. Lucy was in the chair next to him reading. He looked at his little sister - grown now - and thought about everything he'd missed.

"Luce?" he asked, his voice raspy. He coughed, and Lucy was quick to retrieve his water. "Thanks," he said when he could breathe again. He closed his eyes, regaining his strength, hating that even a simple coughing fit left him so weak. The doctors told him he would get stronger quickly now that he was awake, but it was still one more frustration in a whole line of them.

"Luce?" he tried again.

"What's up, Jay?"

He swallowed, his heart pounding. He wanted to roll his eyes. In his memory, he'd been preparing to be a police officer, had mentally been reviewing the dangerous situations he might find himself in. Yet this intimidated him more than anything he'd thought up to date.

"Is Edward still here?" he asked finally.

Lucy didn't answer right away but studied his face carefully. "He never leaves," she said after a minute.

Jasper nodded, leaning back against the pillow. "I'm going back to sleep, but..." He swallowed again, staring up at the ceiling. "Tell him he can come wait in here, if he wants."

His sister made a little yelping noise, obviously surprised. "Are you sure, Jay?"

"Ha." Tired, Jasper closed his eyes. "No. But do it anyway."

_**~0~** _

"This is a good sign - him wanting you to be here."

Throughout the last few weeks, as Jasper slept, Edward was rarely alone. He'd been grateful for this at the time, but now his father's presence at his side in Jasper's hospital room irked him.

"He might want to tell me in person to go to hell," he answered his father's encouraging thought, voicing his worst fear.

Carlisle gave him a weary look. "He could have had Alice tell you that. Instead, he has you in here while he sleeps. That shows a level of trust. Intimacy."

"This is a hospital, Dad. You know better than most how many people get to watch him sleep here. He has people poking, prodding, and bugging him, asleep or otherwise.

His father sighed. "Would a little positivity kill you?"

Edward considered this seriously. "In this case?" His voice was tight as he spoke. "Yeah. It might."

They lapsed into silence again, Edward studying Jasper's face as he slept, trying not to think that - one way or another - this could be the last time.

"Of course it could be worse," he finally allowed. "He's alive. That's all that really matters." Hadn't he bargained with the powers than were? Anything. Only let him live.

Perhaps he should have been more specific.

"And Alice promised she wouldn't take Bella away from me."

Carlisle's eyes went wide. "Was that a possibility?"

"I don't know, Dad," Edward said tiredly. "You know I have no rights to her. No rights at all. If Alice and Jasper were to decide I couldn't see her anymore, there would be nothing I could do about it."

"You're overthinking things," Carlisle said with a sigh.

"Yeah, well, it's what I'm good at." Edward was not in a good mood.

Knowing better than to try and reason with Edward when he was in this mood, Carlisle lapsed back into silence, able to offer nothing more than what little comfort his presence could provide.

Deep down, Edward was appreciative. It was just he was so completely devastated. Unless Jasper's memory miraculously returned, he simply didn't see how this was going to turn out well for anyone.

An inane thought passed through his head, and Edward wished Jasper's hair wasn't so short. He wished he could run his fingers through the other man's long locks one more time, if this was the last.

That thought was like an ice pick to his side, and Edward had to close his eyes, trying to breathe through the pain and fear.

His mother told him he needed to fight for what was his.

Shaking his head, Edward returned to his silent vigil.

Knowing he couldn't be there, Carlisle begged off long before Jasper woke. "Give him our love, if you can," he murmured before he left. Edward knew both his father and mother were aching in their own right, wanting to be by the side of the man they loved because their son loved him.

It was just after midnight when Jasper's eyes opened slowly. Reluctantly, Edward put a little space between himself and the bed, not wanting to crowd him.

As Jasper turned toward him, Edward's heart began to beat in overtime. Belatedly, he wondered what he looked like. Maybe he should have freshened up a bit, brushed his hair. There was only one chance to make a first impression, after all. Well, technically.

Jasper's eyes focused, his expression becoming guarded, if a little sleepy. Edward didn't know if he should say something. As it was, the lump in his throat seemed difficult to speak around. What he wanted most was to kiss Jasper, repeatedly, because he really was so glad he was awake and aware again.

It had been so long since they'd shared a simple kiss, Edward ached.

Clearing his throat, he decided to speak first. "I feel like I should introduce myself."

Jasper chuffed, letting another few moments pass between them in an awkward silence. "I don't know what to say here," he admitted.

"Well, that makes two of us." Edward blew out a frustrated puff of air. "Look, Jasper. I know this must be so hard to accept-"

"It's damn near impossible to accept," Jasper growled. He took a deep breath, not looking at Edward but grimacing up at the ceiling. "But on the other hand, you do have my wife-" he winced, "- ex-wife, my best friend, my sister, and my daughter on your side."

"This isn't a game. There are no sides," Edward said as gently as possible.

Jasper gave him a withering look. "You know what I mean."

"You mean, you can't deny who I am... was to you." That correction cost Edward dearly, but he was determined to give Jasper whatever kind of support he needed. He knew Jasper was confused and probably more scared than he would ever want to admit.

The other man's jaw was taut. Edward wanted so much to cup his cheek. It was an old habit - hard to resist. There were only two people in the world who could calm Jasper with a touch. One of them was almost six and hopefully asleep.

Finally, Jasper looked at him again, his eyes roaming carefully. "You're not what I expected," he muttered vaguely.

Edward felt a small spike of irritation - an ingrained response. He wondered if Jasper had some flamboyant stereotype in his head. He forced a small smile. "Is that a good or a bad thing?

"I don't know," Jasper mumbled. He rubbed his eyes tiredly. "Look, I don't think I'm ready to wake up yet. I just... Since you won't go home, I figured you might as well be in here." His voice was gruff, somewhat vexed, but not truly angry.

Edward recognized it for what it was - a small token of peace. Jasper might not know what to think of him, but he wasn't going to kick him out of his life. "Okay," he said softly, feeling the first stirrings of hope in his heart.

"The chair can't be comfortable though..."

"I'm fine where I am if you are."

Jasper studied him for a moment and shrugged. "Yeah. It's okay."

Edward lifted his hand to his face to hide a smile.

"I think..." Jasper swallowed. "I have questions. Alice tells me you're the one who has answers."

"Anything you want to know," Edward promised.

Jasper's eyebrow arched, a look of vague amusement crossing his features. "There's too many of them right now. They're all..." He waved his hand.

"Well, whenever you're ready."

Another minute or two of silence passed. "Edward?" Jasper said, his voice light... almost asleep.

"Yes?"

"I'm not... oblivious to the fact this has got to suck for you."

Another weight, an invisible tether, released from his heart, and Edward smiled again, feeling just that tiny bit lighter. This was still his Jasper. Somewhere. "It's not your fault, but I appreciate you saying so."

"Stupid mountain," Jasper grumbled, almost entirely gone now. "We should find a way to sue."

Edward had to smother a laugh. His adoration for this man bordered on pain then. "I'll see what I can do," he said instead of the 'I love you' that was on his tongue.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So. True story - I have a Pirates of the Caribbean crossover fic in my docs where Bella is Will and Elizabeth's daughter, a pirate trying to make her own name for herself as Captain Bella Swann. And Jasper is Jack's bastard son who crews up with her. It'd be an E/B story as Edward would be the Governor Cullen of Port Angeles's prissy son who gets kidnapped. Heheheh. I was gonna write it with tellingmelies. Sounds like fun, eh?
> 
> Ahem. Anyway. Huge thanks to naeleny, jessypt, barburella and jfka06. My docs are amazing.
> 
> What are we thinking about these boys?


	4. The Whole Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedication: To jfka06. Since she's leaving for TEN WHOLE DAYS I bumped her fic up so she can get one more update before she goes. MWAH.

Jasper had always prided himself on being the kind of guy who could objectively consider another man attractive. It had never bothered him, and he'd conversed with his girl friends easily about this or that actor or even a fellow student with pleasing physical attributes.

Of course, those things had a whole different meaning when he stopped to consider what Alice and everyone else was trying to tell him.

Edward was asleep, which certainly made Jasper's careful consideration a little easier.

His head was turned toward Jasper's bed, tilted downward. His expression seemed tense, even in sleep, the set of his brow reflecting a muted version of the agony Jasper had only glimpsed before.

Objectively... he was very pretty. Objectively.

The lump in his throat was painful, his breath spiking as his mind wandered, trying to imagine touching this man the way he might a lover, kissing him.

Jasper closed his eyes, feeling a little light-headed.

It was a few minutes before he could open his eyes again, and when he did he stared straight up. Straight up was a safe option.

He listened to Edward's soft breaths.

The idea of a man being with a man or a woman with a woman didn't disgust him. It was just not a frame of reference that made any sense for his own psyche. He'd kissed one other person besides his wife - ex-wife - and she'd been a woman, a girl.

There were too many gaps in his knowledge.

He should have been more concerned about his injuries. After all, the doctor had him up and trying to walk yesterday - it hadn't worked as well as it should have. And his face, his body, was a mess of scars that should have been more disconcerting than they were. But Jasper was all wrapped up in his personal life.

Well, really, it was connected, perhaps. The doctor had mentioned he would need a lot of support.

He supposed that was Edward's job - to support him.

And his home was Edward's home.

Jasper felt nauseous, though not out of disgust. It was just...

His thoughts were interrupted by the morning's nurses coming in.

"Morning, Jasper. Morning, Edward."

Clearing his throat, Edward blinked awake, his bleary eyes focusing first on Jasper and then up at the nurse. "Good morning, Jessica."

Jasper huffed. Of course he would know the nurses.

Jessica looked toward Jasper. "So, how about we get you up, see if we can take a shower, hmm?" She looked between the two men. "Edward can help, if you want."

Edward stared down at the floor, rubbing his hand through his hair while Jasper sucked in a sharp breath. "I, um... That's fine. I'll go find some breakfast." He looked up, giving Jasper an apologetic smile. "I'll be back if you want to talk, okay?"

A little tongue tied, Jasper just nodded.

Jessica pursed her lips, watching Edward retreat. She turned back to Jasper. "I'm sorry, hon. I thought you might have remembered if he was in here with you."

At her words, Jasper tilted his head. "You know about that?"

"Edward's father is a doctor here," she said lightly. "We've known Edward since he was a gawky teenager. He grew up right, that one."

Jasper made a noncommittal noise, leaning on Jessica as she slipped her arm around him, supporting him as he tried to get out of bed.

Some time and a lot of cursing later, he was showered and dressed in his hospital best. Edward poked his head back in.

With a sigh, Jasper nodded, allowing him to enter.

"How was breakfast?" Jasper asked to fill the silence.

Edward shrugged. "Just some basics." He set a little package and an unopened bottle of milk on the tray table next to Jasper's sad looking oatmeal. "I know you're supposed to be on bland food for the moment, but if you're up to taking a chance..."

Jasper perked up, sitting straighter as he saw the package was a box of cereal. "Frosted Flakes! I love Frosted Flakes."

When he glanced up, Edward looked pleased, though he cleared his throat and hid his smile behind his hand.

Of course he would know something like Jasper's preference in breakfast cereal.

His muscles were annoyingly weak. When he struggled with the milk bottle, Edward gently took it away from him, opening it, but stopped short of pouring it for him.

It was all worth it when he took his first crunchy bite. "Oh, God. That's delicious," he moaned.

Again, it was obvious that Edward was pleased.

For a minute, there was only the sound of crunching as Jasper put his thoughts together.

He swallowed.

"Here's where I'm a little lost..." Jasper began. "Last I remember, Alice had only barely announced she was pregnant." He stared ahead, his heart aching quietly. "She said I asked for a divorce when she was seven months pregnant - which is like six months from where I am in my head." He finally looked up, briefly holding his eyes. "And she said I didn't meet you until Bella was one."

"Technically, we met when Bella was nine months or so, but yeah. It took a few months before you really told anyone about us," Edward said quietly.

Jasper chewed for another minute more to have something to do. He was actually not at all hungry anymore. It was difficult to swallow the bite in his mouth. "So... why does she think you can tell me why I divorced her in the first place?"

Edward's breath came out in a stutter. "Oh..."

The tenor of his voice caught Jasper off guard. He looked up, curious.

The expression on Edward's face was regretful. "Well... I know what led to it, obviously. But..." His eyes were so gentle, so sympathetic, Jasper's stomach started twisting automatically.

This was bad. He could sense it. "Just tell me." There was an edge to his tone.

Edward took a deep breath. "When Alice was about six months pregnant, you..." He sighed. "Your friend Peter..."

Jasper's stomach dropped down to his toes, and he gasped. "No," he said raggedly.

Peter Damon was Jasper's best friend. He'd thought of him since he'd woken up, but he was used to Peter not being around. All through their high school days, they'd planned to join the army together. Instead, Jasper got together with Alice, and Peter was relocated to Virginia.

"It wasn't anything bad," Edward said. "Well... what I mean is, it wasn't violent. He had a brain aneurysm. It all happened very quickly. Painlessly."

Jasper was reeling. He stared straight up again, blinking, but it wasn't any use. Tears weren't just pricking at his eyes, they were welling. In his mind, a slideshow of moments played. He put his hand over his face, knowing he was trembling.

"Babe, I-" Edward put his hand on Jasper's arm, but was quickly cut off when he lashed out.

"Get your fucking hands off me," Jasper growled, knocking Edward's hand away. "And don't call me that."

"Okay," Edward said quickly, his hands raised in a placating gesture.

He was floored, completely, totally devastated. Once again, his world was in a tailspin, and it was so overwhelming. Too much loss to get a handle on. His past, a past he remembered being happy in, was gone - out of his hands. He was confused about who he was supposed to be. And now his best friend was dead. Long dead.

The grief was too much for his body to hold on his own.

"Jasper," Edward whispered, his voice pained.

Jasper shook his head hard.

With his eyes shut so tight, Jasper didn't see Edward reach for him again. He growled nonsensically, but Edward was persistent, putting his hand on Jasper's shoulder.

"It's okay." Edward's voice was so soft, tender. He tugged lightly. "Let go."

And Jasper was helpless then to stop his tears, his grief. The last few days, he'd been in some state of shock or another. Mostly, he thought he was waiting to wake up from his nightmare. It occurred to him then that it was real - all of it was really happening.

It made no real sense. Most of him still wanted to blame Edward for everything he'd lost. He certainly wasn't ready to even consider accepting what he was supposed to be to Edward. But he was too exhausted to fight, too pained to push the other man away.

He clung to him instead, his fingers forming fists in Edward's shirt as he started to sob in earnest.

Edward's hand was on the back of his neck, stroking. He just held him, letting Jasper cry for minutes that felt like hours.

Slowly, so slowly, coherent thought returned to Jasper. The iron grip around his heart, his lungs, began to loosen infinitesimally until it felt less like he was drowning. His head ached. Really, his body ached. But the weight on his shoulders was bearable.

He sat up straight, and Edward thankfully backed off on his own.

"I'm sorry," Jasper said, sniffling, his voice raw.

"Don't apologize. I know what he meant to you."

Jasper rubbed his temples.

"I'll call the nurse. You can probably have more pain meds," Edward said quickly, beginning to get up.

"No. Wait." He wiped at his eyes, taking deep, calming breaths. "I um..." He sniffled again, almost okay now.

As embarrassing as it had been, that cry had been amazingly cathartic.

"Why did Peter... dying make me divorce my wife?"

Edward studied him for a moment. "Jasper, I know this is a lot to process-"

"It's not going to change," Jasper snapped. "I'm sick of feeling like I'm being punched in the stomach every time I have a g'damn conversation." He laid back tiredly. "Just tell me. Get it over with."

"Okay. Fair enough." He sat back in his chair, his hands folded in his lap. "At Peter's funeral, two of his fellow soldiers approached you. They gave most of his things to you - the box is still at the house, if you want to look through it. But they, um... They thought you were Peter's boyfriend."

Again, the breath left Jasper's body, his heart twisting.

Edward continued. "There were several letters he'd never sent addressed to you, talking about how much he loved you, how he'd wanted to tell you, but he didn't know how."

Jasper tilted his head away from Edward, staring out the window, picturing his best friend and trying to align those moments with a man who was in love with him.

"I'll bring you the letters if you want. But, um..." He rubbed his hands together slowly. "You realized you were in love with him and you couldn't stay with Alice. That's the short of it."

Jasper's throat was so painfully dry. He reached for the plastic glass of water the nurses kept by his bed and drank greedily.

"How did we meet then?"

At that, Edward laughed a little. "Umm. Rowdy party at the fraternity. Rookie cops have the pleasure of breaking them up. I was nineteen, drunk, and you were the arresting officer."

Jasper's eyebrows shot up as he turned back to Edward. "I arrested you?"

"You did." Edward's smile was fond. "You stuck me in the drunk tank overnight to scare me straight - so to speak - and... yeah." This time it was Edward who turned away, but not before Jasper caught a hint of misery in his eyes.

Not for the first time, it struck Jasper that his wasn't the only life destroyed here.

Again, Jasper was silent as he tried to make it all line up in his head. He couldn't. He couldn't picture being in love with Peter whom he'd known intimately, let alone this man who was a stranger to him. "Do you have a picture of us?"

Edward looked up from under endlessly long eyelashes.

He really did have such breathtakingly pretty eyes.

"You really want to-"

"Edward," Jasper groaned, exasperated though he knew the other man was just concerned.

"Okay." He reached into his pocket, taking out his wallet. He hesitated for a moment before handing it over.

Jasper didn't miss that his fingers were shaking slightly as he took the wallet. Taking a breath, he opened it.

The very first picture was the two of them and Bella. Jasper had the little girl in his arms, and she was obviously giggling. Edward was watching them, the adoration clear in his eyes.

Remembering to keep breathing, Jasper flipped to the next photo.

It was strange. Even though he'd been thinking of nothing but the life he'd woken to - the things Alice and his friends and his sister and his daughter said were real - it was a whole other ballgame seeing it with his own eyes. And if it wasn't for everyone else's words, he would have sooner believed the fall had caused hallucinations than accept the photo he was seeing was real.

The couple in the little rectangle were quite obviously deeply in love. They were sitting on the steps in front of a house Jasper didn't recognize. He was on the top step. Edward was one step below him, between his spread legs, leaning back, his head tilted up. Jasper's head was ducked down. They looked like they were milliseconds away from a passionate kiss. One of Jasper's hands rested on Edward's chest in an intimate, possessive gesture, the other was cupped under his chin. __ **  
**  
The smile on his face was absolutely blissed out. The other man's smile was equally wide.

Jasper pushed the wallet back at Edward, his breath a little short. Edward looked away as he put the wallet back in his pocket, but not quick enough to hide his hurt.

"I'm sorry," Jasper rasped, trying to steady his breathing. "I'm not trying to be rude."

"I know," Edward said simply, but he still didn't look at Jasper. He breathed in and out and then finally turned his head back with a poor attempt at a smile. "The ones on my phone are worse."

It was supposed to be funny, Jasper could tell, but it came out more painful than anything.

"Look," Edward said after a tense few moments of silence. "I've got to put in an hour or two at work. I won't be far." He stood up, not meeting Jasper's eyes as he rushed on, picking up a pen and pad of paper from the stand by the side of the bed. He scribbled something on it. "I'm going to leave my number just in case."

Jasper was neither a cruel nor nasty person. He hated that he was obviously hurting the other man, but at the same time, there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it. He couldn't deny he was relieved to see Edward leaving.

Still, he reached out, grasping Edward's wrist before he pulled away.

Jasper had no idea what he would have said, but in the next instant, it didn't matter. Edward looked up, and because he'd been leaning over the nightstand, his face was about level with Jasper's, his eyes intense.

The tension that filled the air was palpable, thick. It was the same chaotic feel the atmosphere had before a fight, but instead of malevolence, there was something... else.

Jasper closed his eyes, cutting the connection and letting go a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.

"I'll be back," Edward said quietly.

When Jasper opened his eyes again, Edward was gone.

 __ **~0~  
**  
Edward only got around the corner before he had to stop. He slumped up against the wall, his eyes screwed tightly shut.

For long seconds that turned into full minutes, he simply tried to breathe. It wasn't easy. His throat felt closed and his lungs squished nearly flat.

Actually, he felt pummeled. Like he'd been caught by a landslide.

That had been nearly unbearable.

To hold Jasper, but not to kiss the side of his head or his lips, to not be able to truly comfort him the way he should have been able to...

To be the sole keeper of the memories of how they met - remembering those first few days together.

Then for Jasper to look on one of Edward's favorite pictures - so good he'd actually had a physical copy printed so he could keep it in his wallet - and look so... horrified at the love they shared.

Edward felt so entirely helpless.

What he hadn't been able to tell Jasper among all that truth was what an impossible situation he found himself in.

Often, watching some of the trials of friends of theirs, Jasper and Edward had often reflected that they were lucky. When they'd found each other, they'd both been completely secure in who they were. While they could certainly commiserate with the confusion and complication that kind of self-discovery meant, they were both very glad neither of them had to deal with it in their partner.

Frankly, Edward didn't know if he had the patience for that kind of thing. He didn't really understand being ashamed of who he was or who he chose to love. And he was very fond of public displays of affection. Nothing lewd, of course, but he simply wouldn't hold back kisses or intimate touches.

And therein was another problem.

Even if Jasper could get to a point where he accepted what he wanted in a partner, there was no guarantee he would choose Edward again. As it was, it had been Jasper who'd pursued him, so there was no path to replicate, no clear way Edward could make him fall in love again.

Edward wanted to fight, he just couldn't see how.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Les sigh.
> 
> Thanks to jessypt, barburella, and jfka06 for keeping my docs so active.
> 
> Soooooooo. There's the backstory. Thoughts?


	5. Peter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: *holds everyones hands*

Jasper was alone - well, with the nurses - for a few hours before anyone appeared in his room. He had to admit he was a little relieved to see Lucy. First of all, they hadn't had time to reconnect. Secondly, he was completely unsure if he was up to facing either Alice or Edward for a little while.

"Hey, Luce," he greeted. "They tell me I should hobble around, try to get my legs to work again. You want to help?"

"Sounds like a good time," Lucy said wryly, but she was quick to help him out of bed.

With one hand on his IV pole and the other around his little sister's waist, she and Jasper set off down the hall.

"So what are you doing here?" Jasper asked, speaking through gritted teeth at the soreness in his muscles.

"Is that a trick question?"

"I mean," Jasper wheezed. "I was sleeping a long time. Don't you have a life in Texas to get back to?"

Lucy was quiet for a minute. She sighed before she answered. "Can't take it anymore, Jay," she said softly. "When Mom and Dad didn't come down to see you, I just had enough.

"It's just ridiculous," she fumed. "It's overdone. They didn't approve of what you did to Alice, didn't approve of why, but you're their son! They should have cared enough to see you one more time in case you..."

She cut off, looking up at him with tearful eyes. "I'm sorry," she said, taking a deep breath. "It's been really hard. You slept for a long time."

Jasper gave her a little squeeze. "Well... I can't rightly blame them for being angry over Alice." He shuffled forward. "I still can't wrap my head around that one. Leaving a pregnant woman just seems... cruel."

"Well, all that goes over my head, but I don't think it was as simple as all that."

"I guess it never is, is it?" he muttered.

"Either way, it wasn't like there was going to be a good time to do it, Jay. Is it any more fair to leave a woman with a newborn? An infant?" she pointed out. "Life isn't fair."

Jasper rolled his eyes. "You think?"

She bumped his hip gently. "If you're going to get all huffy about bygones..."

"You're a pain in the ass," he accused, but he smiled.

"Anyway," Lucy continued. "I'm done. I'm done with Texas. I'm going to move here."

"So where are you staying?"

She glanced at him as if he was stupid. "With you and Edward, of course."

"Of course," Jasper echoed, realizing he had no idea where he lived.

"Just for a while. It's probably ideal, because I can help you out when you get home," she said in a rush." She frowned. "Although, maybe that won't work out. I'm in the guest room right now."

"What's the problem with that?"

She looked up at him, studying him carefully. "There's only the one guest room... The guest room and the master bedroom."

"Oh. Right." Jasper stared forward, lost in that thought. The master bedroom he'd no doubt shared with Edward.

"Then maybe next semester I can get transferred to UDub or something," Lucy continued. "And I can look into on campus housing."

Jasper nodded, only half listening.

"So, Lucy... If I were to try calling Mom and Dad?" Jasper asked after a minute.

"You try every so often," she said tightly. "It's awkward, Jay. They answer, but they might as well not. They talk about the weather. Like you're just complete strangers making small talk."

Jasper's heart ached.

They got back to his room and talked a little about more innocuous things. After all, Jasper last remembered her as a thirteen year old girl.

The nurse arrived to transport him to get his head examined. Before she left, Lucy put a small stack of worn envelopes on the nightstand. "Edward gave these to me to give to you." She smirked. "He made me swear on pain of death not to read them. I didn't."

"Thanks."

Despite the fact the letters' mere existence terrified him, Jasper was grateful she'd brought them.

And grateful to Edward he'd given him the next piece of the puzzle and the gift of a little personal space.

~0~

"After Peter's death, you were in a really bad place," Alice told him later that afternoon. "It was the first time I just couldn't reach you."

At last, there was a reaction he could get his head around. He was still reeling from the news. He wasn't sure it had sunk in yet. Currently, the knowledge of Peter's death was a steady ache that flared with every beat of his heart. It wasn't crushing yet, but he was sure that was coming. It was just a matter of time.

"It was bad, Jazz. You were so lost in your own head. We could be in the same room, but you were miles away." She breathed in and out, in and out. "And finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I begged you to let me in. You tried to put me off, but I wouldn't let you drop it. Then... you told me. You told me about Peter and how you realized you were in love with him."

Jasper couldn't look at her. He was looking down, studying his hands, hearing the words but not letting them sink in.

"We argued. Well, I argued. We both cried. I asked what it meant for us. You said you thought you needed a divorce, that it was the only fair thing to both of us." Her voice shook.

Jasper's throat was tight, painful to swallow around. "I'm sorry," he said softly.

Alice wiped away a surreptitious tear, shaking her head. "You were right." She slipped her hand in his, and Jasper squeezed, wishing like hell he could change the past. "You can't love me the way I deserve to be loved while you're denying a big part of who you are," she said gently. "We can both wish it were different, but it isn't."

They were both breathing a little hitched. Jasper knew he was making this hard on everyone, hurting Alice making her recount these things, hurting Edward. His head spun, not knowing what to do about any of it.

Before either of them could reach any conclusions, quick footfalls had them straightening up, wiping at their eyes. Still, when Bella appeared in the doorway, her bright eyes and smile dimmed slightly. She looked between them, walking slower as she came in the room. "Is we sad?"

"No, baby," Jasper and Alice said simultaneously. They glanced at each other before looking back to their daughter.

Bella looked dubious, but she didn't call them on their lie. Instead, she scampered over, climbing up on Jasper's bed. "Mommy and Daddy says you can't 'emember everythings," she said, looking at Jasper for verification.

"That's right," Jasper confirmed, rubbing her back lightly.

"I took Daddy's phone so you can 'emember our favorite place. Look." She held up a cell phone, snuggling carefully against his side as she called up the video with surprising deftness.

The screen lit up with Bella just a little younger than she was now, waving enthusiastically. The screen shook, a very pleasant male laugh clear through the tiny speakers.

"That's me," Bella whispered for Jasper's edification. Jasper chuckled.

As he watched, he stepped on screen, scooping up the little girl and twirling her around as she screamed merrily.

"That's my favorite park," Bella informed him.

"I'm going to drop you in!" Jasper threatened on the screen, holding Bella above a chilly looking little creek that ran through the park.

"Papa! No! Daddy! Save me!"

The camera approached them and a "wrestling" match ensued. By the end, Bella had the camera and and was training it on Jasper and Edward who were rolling around on the grass. Jasper had the upper hand, then Edward.

The bronze haired man grinned - an astonishingly sly, sexy smile - and pinned Jasper's hands above his head, leaning over him.

The picture was shaky, being held by a five year old, but still. Jasper saw the way he looked up, his expression not so innocent.

"I win," said Edward.

On-screen Jasper lifted his head up off the ground to nip at Edward's lips.

Present day Jasper took the phone from his daughter with shaking fingers, pressing buttons until the video turned off.

"Bella, does Daddy know you have his phone?" Alice asked, her voice stern.

"He most certainly did not."

They all looked up to find Edward in the doorway, his arms crossed, his expression displeased. Bella immediately ducked, turning her head into Jasper's side to hide.

As he crossed the room slowly, Edward met Jasper's eyes only briefly, giving him an apologetic smile.

"You know you're supposed to ask permission before you take our phones," Alice reminded.

Bella looked up, her eyebrows furrowed. "I  _did_ ask politely. Daddy said 'no'. But it's important for Papa to 'emember. It's our favorite park."

Her big, brown eyes welled with tears.

Jasper almost told her it was fine, just fine, but Edward spoke first.

"I know you want Papa to remember. You just have to trust when I tell you 'no' it's for a good reason."

"But-"

"Isabella," he said, meaning business this time.

She ducked again. "Sorry," she said sullenly.

Ducking a little himself, Jasper handed Edward back his phone, hardly able to meet the other man's eye.

"I'm sorry," Edward said quietly. "I wouldn't have wanted you to see that before you were ready."

Jasper swallowed hard and shook his head. "It was... It was a... nice video," he stumbled.

The smile Edward gave him was tinged around the edges with sadness. "Yeah. Anyway. I didn't mean to disturb you. Have a good night."

He left then, but not before Jasper saw him glance down at his phone, playing the video again.

**_~0~_ **

That night, when Jasper was alone again, he sat up in bed, too restless to sleep. On his lap were Peter's letters, as of yet unopened.

He flipped them back and forth restlessly, running his fingers over the well worn edges. Obviously, he'd read these before. A lot.

These letters had changed his life once. Even though he knew the gist of what they contained, they still seemed nerve-wrackingly dangerous.

He laughed at himself.

What he wanted was already lost. If he accepted what his family, his friends, his own eyes were trying to tell him, he only stood to gain, if only a deeper acceptance of himself.

And maybe that was what was scaring Jasper most of all, if he was being honest with himself.

Nothing anyone had told him so far was a complete shock to him; their claims didn't strike him as so entirely unreasonable, they were ludicrous.

Tracing his fingers over Peter's familiar, messy scrawl, Jasper's heart gave a particularly nasty twist.

He leaned back with a sigh, finally letting the memories he'd been trying to hold at bay take him.

_They were wrestling._

_As long as Jasper could remember, he and Peter had one dream: to be army buddies. When they were little boys, they dreamed of warpaint and a soldier's glory. Slightly wiser as teenagers, they talked about the education the Army could provide - the things they would do._

_So Jasper was particularly nervous about today._

_Peter was on top of him, his hands holding either of Jasper's wrists, pinning his hands beside his head. He seemed startled as he stared down at Jasper. After a moment, his eyes narrowed suspiciously._

_"You didn't let me win, did you?" Peter asked, an edge to his voice._

_"No," Jasper answered truthfully. Part of him wondered why Peter wasn't moving to get off him, but then he wasn't uncomfortable in this position, so whatever._

_Peter glared. "You better not be, Jasper. You wouldn't be doing me any favors. I need to be able to keep up with you, if we're going to get in together."_

_Jasper stared up, knowing he was going to hurt his best friend and not liking it. "Get off me, man," he muttered._

_"Oh." Peter again seemed surprised at their position. Releasing Jasper's wrists, he rolled to the side and then to his feet._

_Wracked with guilt, Jasper rose a bit slower. "Hey, Peter, listen..."_

_The tone of his voice must have caught Peter's attention because his easy expression faded, replaced by a look of concern._

_Best to get it over with. "I'm not joining up," Jasper said flatly._

_He heard the little noise Peter made - like he'd punched him right in the gut - but didn't look up to see the matching expression. "Alice and I... we're going to move to where she's from. Washington."_

_"You're moving to Washington?" Peter repeated slowly._

_For some reason, though he was sanguine in his decision, Jasper felt completely wretched. "Yeah." He took a deep breath. "We want to get married as soon as we graduate."_

_Peter scoffed. "Married? You'll barely be nineteen!"_

_He finally looked up, leveling a glare at his best friend. "What are you, my mother?"_

_The look in Peter's eyes startled him. It was more hurt than anything, and Jasper's heart twisted, irrationally making him lash out in defensive anger instead. "This is_ my _life, okay? This is what I want. Maybe I thought I wanted the army. It's a good dream, but now, I don't want to be away from Alice. That's the way it is."_

_Peter flinched, turning away quickly. "We've planned this since we were stupid little kids and now you're backing out..."_

_"This is_ my _life," Jasper repeated._

 _Peter whirled, his eyes livid now and came forward. The expression on his face was angry enough that Jasper backed up instinctively. "This is_ my life _you're messing with, too!"_

_He kept coming forward until Jasper was pressed up against the side of the house, and then he caged him there, his hands on either side of his head. He stared. Jasper was helpless to do anything but stare back, not understanding this tension that roiled between them. It wasn't anger - well, it wasn't only anger - but it was intense. His muscles were poised, but for what?_

_The anger drained from Peter's face as he searched Jasper. His eyes seemed to linger on Jasper's lips. "This is what you want. Honestly and truly, you're going to give everything up to run off to Washington with a girl you met five months ago. You're going to give up the plans we've had for years for that?"_

_It was more difficult than it should have been to speak. "Yes. This is what I want."_

_Peter stared at him for a long moment, the look on his face getting sadder. For a second, it looked as though he were contemplating something. Then, looking a little pale, he backed off and headed quickly away, leaving Jasper a little dizzy up against the wall._

Back in the hospital in Seattle, Jasper's eyes were closed against the tears that welled. He felt them leak out of the corner of each eye, trailing down his cheek as he tried to get a handle on his feelings.

He'd been desperate to marry Alice. He wanted to call it love, but what if it wasn't?

What if he'd just been trying to outrun something he couldn't stop?

Jasper wiped at his eyes, taking deep breaths. He picked up the first letter and took it out with trembling fingers, trying not to think about the hurt look on Peter's face.

Peter was different after that - more distant. Jasper remembered hating it, but not knowing what to do about it either.

Closing his eyes for another moment, he breathed in and out, before he unfurled the well-worn letter.

J -

It was nice seeing you again. Weird. You're all domestic, which I guess is what happens when you get married.

Man... doesn't matter how many times I think about it, plan it in my head. You know I was never great with words - always with actions. Would things have been different if I kissed you that day? The day you told me you were going to marry her? Well, of course they would have been. You probably would have broken my nose. Then I'd whistle when I breathed, and we wouldn't be friends at all.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. It's probably news to you that I wanted to kiss you that day, right?

Well, here's another fact that'll probably blow your mind: I always want to kiss you.

The truth is... I'm in love with you.

I'm so many thousands of miles away, and I'll probably never get the balls to mail this letter, but those were the five hardest words I've ever written.

You don't know how many times I've told myself I wasn't going to do this. I know I have no right. You're married after all. You say you're happy.

The thing is... I've known you for a long time. When you tell me you're happy, it sounds like you're trying to convince yourself.

Maybe it's wishful thinking on my part. Either way, now you know. I love you. I've loved you for a long time. Fuck if I know what to do about it, but it's true.

In my line of business, I can't help but understand how short life can be. Too short to not take the chance. So there it is - without expectation. If you could ever want me, I'm yours. I think I could make you happy.

\- P

Jasper read and reread the letter until the words blurred.

On first pass, he'd felt furious and indignant. He remembered that visit - a little over two months ago to his memory - remembered how Peter seemed a little incredulous that he and Alice were doing fine. How fucking dare he accuse Jasper of merely pretending to be happy with Alice?

He was happy!

But then Jasper read the letter again and again.

He couldn't deny the pure elation that went through him as he let the words sink in.

Peter loved him.

It was a giddy, overwhelming feeling that, for a second, made him so happy he could barely breathe.

Followed quickly by utter devastation.

Jasper would never see Peter again. Whatever this letter could have meant to them, that potential was gone.

WIth his hands over his eyes, Jasper wept quietly, reeling. His heart was breaking.

Because as he read those words, what he most wanted to say, were Peter standing right in front of him, was, "I love you, too."

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Soooo it can be a thankless job being my prereader. I'm glad jessypt, naeleny and jfka06 put up with me.
> 
> SO! What are we thinking, kids?


	6. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okay. So. I was writing this chapter and got it into my head to post an update of The Rookie (which is somewhat pre-written). And I mistakenly posted a chapter of The Rookie to this story. Sigh.
> 
> So sorry for any confusion. This is the real chapter. Edward is not a cop.

In Edward's dream, he was nineteen again.

"Cullen."

Edward jumped and instantly regretted it. He held his head in both hands. "Son of a bitch."

An alluringly deep chuckle was enough to get Edward to open his eyes again. He almost regretted it. The sight that greeted him made his throat go dry - not very comfortable when his mouth was already full of cotton.

The officer who had arrested him the night before was leaning up against the bars of the holding cell, staring directly at Edward. His grin was lazy and gorgeous. He looked amused. He looked... delicious.

Edward was suddenly certain he looked like crap.

"Cullen," the officer called again. "Get your ass up."

"Get that tight ass moving, boy," one of Edward's cell mates leered. "Pretty little thing like you. I figure the boss got something special planned."

"Hey, shut up, Waylon. You know you're just jealous I said you weren't my type." The officer shook his head and looked back at Edward. "Come on, kid. Get a move on."

Edward stumbled to his feet, dizzy. His head was throbbing.

"You remember much of last night?" the officer asked as they walked along the hallway, away from the cells.

Edward winced, feeling a blush rise to his otherwise clammy cheeks. "Enough," he muttered.

There was that beguiling chuckle again. "Well, officially, it's Officer Whitlock, but you know, Officer Nice Pants will do in a pinch," he said as they got to a little holding area Edward recognized.

"I meant to say Officer Nice Ass," Edward murmured and then winced again. "Sorry. No filter."

Officer Whitlock burst out laughing, his grin climbing up higher on one side of his face than the other. "Well, I won't hold it against you." He winked. "You know. Unless you want me to."

Edward blinked, bewildered, sure he'd heard wrong. "I, um... Um... How much trouble am I in?"

The officer cocked his head, considering Edward for a moment. "Well... that depends."

"On?"

"Okay. You seem like a smart kid, so I'm going to talk to you straight," he said slowly. "That fraternity party you were at, were you thinking of joining up?"

"I was considering it," Edward said cautiously.

Officer Whitlock nodded, looking unsurprised. "Okay. Here's the deal. You're free to go, clear of any kind of charge if you promise me one thing."

"What's that?"

"You think really long and hard about the people you might be getting involved with." There was no hint of teasing in the officer's eyes. He was being entirely sincere, holding Edward's gaze steadily. "You know James Hunter?"

"I do."

"Last year, part of their hazing routine involved the rape of several women on campus. You heard about it?"

"That wasn't this fraternity!" Edward protested.

Officer Whitlock nodded. "I assure you, it was. Mr. Hunter got away." He grimaced. "Rape cases are notoriously difficult to convict, especially when there's alcohol involved, which there was. This is all public record.

"In any event. You are free to go, no charges. But if you get in trouble again with part of this fraternity, I'm not going to be as lenient. Understand?"

Edward gulped. "Yes, sir," he murmured.

They shared a look and Officer Whitlock nodded. "Good. Then you can have these back." He tossed Edward a baggie with his cell phone and other effects.

They took care of business, Edward signing the paperwork Officer Whitlock slid him without comment.

Before he let Edward out, Officer Whitlock cleared his throat. "Incidentally, Cullen, if you're looking for something else to do on the weekend, give me a call, eh? Number's in your phone under Officer Nice Pants."

Edward turned to look at the man, his eyes wide, shocked.

Officer Whitlock grinned, looking carefree as he locked his hands behind his head, leaning back in his chair.

_**~0~** _

"Edward?"

"Hmmm?" Edward woke slowly, coming out of his beautiful dream-memory. He sighed, blinking as Alice came into focus.

"Bella's with Jasper. He's actually smiling."

Edward leaned forward in the uncomfortable hospital chair, rubbing his eyes. "That's good. That's really good."

Alice sat beside him, quiet for a moment before she spoke.

"It's probably selfish of me to say so, but I'm glad it's not me who has to see him through it this time."

Edward looked up at Alice and offered her a wry smile. "I don't think it's selfish. If he were still yours, you would help him again no questions asked."

"That's true, though in this case, just like last time, there's not a damn thing I can do about it," Alice said sadly.

Jasper was depressed. He was withdrawn to the point he hardly recognized when others were in his room. For Alice, it was deja vu. For Edward, it was torture. The man he loved was in pain, and there was nothing he could do to comfort him.

And truth be told, it was more than a little difficult not to feel jealous of Peter, dead or not. It was difficult to see his love mourning the love of another man.

"I wish I had room at my house for him," Emmett inserted. "It might make things easier."

Edward's head snapped up. "Why? How would that make anything easier?"

Emmett looked at him with wide eyes. "Dude. You have to admit it might be more comfortable for him."

"What would be more comfortable?" Edward demanded. "He's mine to care for. That was the deal. In sickness, in health - just because we couldn't say the words at some official ceremony doesn't mean we didn't feel them."

"Calm down," Emmett said, holding his hands up in a placating gesture. "I know you want to help him, but he doesn't remember you. You're a stranger. I'm not. That's all I meant."

Emmett's words stung, but they weren't untrue. Still, the large man looked guilty. "Edward..."

Edward held up his hand. "It's fine."

"It's not-"

"It's fine," Edward insisted in a growl. "You're right. We're not even friends let alone anything else. He would probably be more comfortable with a friend." He frowned.

"Well, you'll be friends soon enough," Emmett offered.

Edward smirked. "Jasper and I were never good as friends."

"All's the better then. You'll be back together in no time."

Unwilling to talk about it further, Edward just made a vague noise acknowledging he'd heard Emmett. His pessimistic headspace wasn't going to do anyone any good. It was already decided between all of them Jasper would come home with him. Lucy didn't have a problem with crashing on the couch.

His lover would be his roommate.

Alice patted him on the arm. "I'm sorry. I don't know if I've told you, but I am sorry."

Edward glanced at her with a small smile. "He's alive, that's the important part. And he's still good with Bella, of course. That's more than a lot of people leave this place with." His father's words, and not untrue, after all.

"There is that," Alice agreed.

_**~0~** _

Except for visits with Bella, Jasper had been lost in his own head for days.

Peter's death had bowled him over, plain and simple. The depth of the emotion, the profound loss - he hadn't a name for it until he read Peter's letters.

Love.

It was confusing, because he thought what he had with Alice was love. And it was. He did love Alice.

But what he felt for Peter was frighteningly strong. So different.

And the regret. Good God, the regret was more than he could bear. It was crushing.

How clearly he saw it all in hindsight. They touched each other quite a bit more than was normal, so to speak. Now that he looked back, he could remember the way Peter was forever grasping his hand to get his attention. Lingering.

And Jasper hadn't thought it was strange because in so many ways, he liked it.

Loved it.

Missed it when Peter was away.

He should have been ravenous for his wife, but when she wasn't with him... It was Peter he thought about more when he was alone.

He'd been lying to himself for a long time and if he hadn't...

Well, if he hadn't he might have had time with Peter, precious time he could never have now. And he wouldn't have hurt Alice.

Then again, they wouldn't have had Bella.

Jasper rubbed his eyes. His head was spinning in too many circles.

"All ready to go, sweetheart? You must be relieved being sprung, hmm?"

Looking up, it took Jasper a moment to remember the nurse's name. His thoughts felt thick - coated in molasses. Jessica. Right.

"Relieved," he murmured, turning the word over and over. "Well, sure. Why not?"

If Jessica noticed his distraction, she didn't call attention to it. She went about her business, taking his vitals one last time.

Really, Jasper was nervous. He'd agreed with everyone else that going home - his home with Edward - was the best choice. He would be among things that were his, living a life he'd wanted once.

And Edward had assured him he could have the guest room.

There was the more confusing puzzle piece.

Everything else, while uncomfortable, did fit, after all. His wife told him they weren't married anymore because his passion belonged with the masculine sex. How could he deny it when the very memory of his best friend made him ache to the point he couldn't remember how to breathe. He remembered Alice telling him she was pregnant, and he had a beautiful daughter with his brown eyes.

But Edward.

He had no foundation for whatever he was supposed to have with Edward.

He was a very kind, giving man, Jasper could see that. Though he could see how much it cost Edward, he continuously went out of his way to make sure Jasper was as comfortable as possible. He'd brought him pajamas and comfortable clothes from home. He'd been there when Jasper needed answers but kept his distance while he tried to piece together what he was supposed to want, who he was supposed to be.

Jasper couldn't imagine what it was costing him.

A knock on the door drew Jasper's attention. "Hey."

Edward's voice was soft, unassuming as usual.

"Hi," Jasper said.

The two men stared at each other for a beat.

Jessica cleared her throat. "I'll... just go get your wheelchair so we can get you out of here."

It was Edward who answered for him. "Thank you."

Jasper zoned out again, staring at the floor. He stared at the tile as Jessica wheeled him to the hospital entrance, listening to Edward's steady footfalls behind him.

"You have a Volvo," Jasper muttered when Edward brought the car around.

"What were you expecting?"

"I don't know," Jasper said with a shrug. "Something with a little more speed."

He glanced to the side, seeing Edward duck his head, his smile lopsided. "This car has more power than it looks like," he said lightly. "But you're right. You, um... You had to call in some favors to get an impressive amount of speeding tickets taken care of."

Jasper gave a little huff, not quite knowing what to think.

"But then, Bella called me Daddy, and I had a family. I bought a family car," Edward finished quietly.

Not knowing what else to say, Jasper only hummed his acknowledgement.

Again the quiet took him, and they drove home in silence.

Home was a very nice two story house. Three bedrooms. Edward offered his arm to help him up the porch stairs, but let him go immediately.

"Do you want to wander?" Edward asked.

Jasper was both grateful and a little spooked by how well Edward could read him. He'd just been thinking what he wanted most was to wander on his own.

Edward just nodded. "The master bedroom is on the bottom floor just through there." He pointed down a hallway. "That's your room."

"Edward," Jasper began to protest.

"It only makes sense. Until your leg is a little better."

"I don't want to kick you out of your room."

"It's your room, too," Edward pointed out. "Anyway, the doctor said you should be somewhere familiar." He rambled on quickly. "All that's upstairs is Bella's room, the guest bedroom, and a loft. If you want to go up there, just let me know. I'll help you."

Assuring Jasper one more time he'd only be a holler away, Edward made himself scarce.

Jasper wandered.

He recognized himself, his tastes, in the house. Artists he favored decorated some of the walls. The furniture was to his liking.

He found this equal parts comforting and disconcerting. At twenty, he'd lived with Alice in a sparse apartment. Everything they owned was beat up, second hand - not a reflection of themselves but whatever they managed to scrape together.

It was surprising how desperately he wanted that blank apartment.

The person - people - who lived in this house had much more defined lives.

Agitated, despite his pronounced limp, Jasper began to pace the hallways. This was how Edward found him some time later, in quite a state.

Edward tried to take him by the arm, but Jasper pulled back.

"Okay," Edward said, palms up in a peacemaking gesture. "What's got you twitchy?"

"Twitchy," Jasper repeated, and then laughed a little maniacally. "Look, I really just need to know what you expect from me."

Edward was a little taken aback. "Expect? I don't expect anything from you."

"Oh, come on. Don't give me that." Jasper ran his hand through the short crop of hair that had begun growing in on his head. "I look around here, and I can see we lived here together. You and me. We had a life.  _You_ had a life. You have to want something from me."

"Want? Of course I do," Edward said. There was an edge to his voice. "We had a good life. We were happy. What would it say about me if I didn't want that?"

Jasper looked down, and Edward was quick to continue. "But what I want and what I expect are two different things. Truly. I expect nothing from you. I want to help you if I can." He hesitated a moment. "And above all, I want to be your friend."

Deep in thought, Jasper let Edward guide him to the couch where he could sit down. There, he slumped forward, his head in his hands.

"I'm sorry," he said after a moment. "I didn't mean to flip out on you. I'm just..." He gave a wry laugh. "You know, I wish it was just one thing at a time I had to learn how to be. It would be scary enough trying to figure out how to be a father."

"You're great with Bella," Edward soothed.

"I  _play_ with Bella," Jasper corrected. "I'm not stupid. I know there's a difference between playing and parenting."

Hesitantly, Edward rested his hand on Jasper's shoulder. Where he touched him, Jasper felt warmth. Calm. "You're a great father. Just that you recognize you need to work at it puts you ahead of so many. It'll come to you, and we'll be here to help."

Jasper nodded, straightening a little and leaning back against the couch, staring at the ceiling. He thought about how much he wanted that barren apartment and his old life and thought about what a shitty thing it as to think seeing as Edward was bending over backward to help him.

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry you have to hurt too," he said tiredly.

Edward gave a little huff. "You cheated death. That always comes with a price." He paused a moment. "I can't speak for you, but I'd rather pay that price."

For a full minute, Jasper was silent, thinking it over. "I guess we agree on that."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: It's a start.
> 
> Jessypt, barburella, and jfka06 make my docs a great place to be!


	7. Betwixt and Between

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Oh, you guise. Your response to this story makes me so happeh.

That first night Jasper was home, Edward sat with him, talking about what  _Jasper_ wanted. When one took out the things that were impossible, they were left with two very reasonable goals: he needed to get to know his daughter and sister, and he wanted to get back to work.

The first two were easily attainable. The latter, though, would prove a little trickier. Falling off a mountain tended to mess with one's ability to be out in the field, apparently.

"What the hell made me start climbing in the first place? I don't remember being that outdoorsy," Jasper grumbled one day to Emmett.

"After Peter died, you kind of went on a 'you only live once' kick. It was great for me." Emmett grinned. "The thrill of getting to the top of a mountain or jumping out of an airplane is a thousand times better when shared."

"Awesome. Only living once almost killed me," Jasper grumbled.

Emmett sobered. "Yeah." He tilted his head. "Every life, every day is in danger of ending. We're not immortals, after all. Living might get you hurt, but it's better than just surviving."

"You have a point," Jasper said, thinking of Peter. His friend didn't know his time would run out so soon. Peter regretted not telling Jasper the truth. What else had he not lived to do?

" _You_ have a point," Emmett corrected.

"What?" Jasper asked, confused.

"Your words, not mine," Emmett clarified and smiled at him. "It wasn't without risks, obviously, but we were having a good time, you know?"

Jasper understood. He typically wasn't such a grouchy person. "I'm not myself right now," he observed to Edward and Lucy one night. "In more ways than one."

Edward's expression was cautious. "Maybe you should reconsider what the doctor suggested," he said lightly.

"What, happy pills?" Jasper scoffed, his tone derisive.

"Depression isn't uncommon when you lose a loved one," Edward pointed out. "And technically, you've lost a lot more than Peter."

"And you don't have to be a dick about meds," Lucy said moodily. "I was on meds for years in my teens."

"You were?" Jasper arched an eyebrow. He remembered Lucy being a happy kid.

"Yeah." She frowned and pointed at him. "It was confusing for me - what happened with you and Mom and Dad. It was... I don't know, it shook me. First they didn't approve of you getting married so young, then they were so upset you divorced Alice, it was like they stopped loving you. I just didn't understand how that could happen or why we didn't see Bella for the longest time."

"I didn't mean to be condescending." He sighed, rubbing his eyes. "It's just... the world I fell asleep in was very simple, and I had nothing to complain about." He looked quickly at Edward and away. "Honestly, I know I have a good thing going here - a lot of support."

"Grieving what you've lost can help you accept what you have," Edward said.

Jasper took it all into consideration as he tried to grapple with his life and his injuries.

Perhaps not surprisingly, Bella proved to be the best medicine he could have. Her laughter and conversation were a natural antidepressant. She was also both the only one who didn't annoy him when she tried to help him remember, and the only one stubborn enough to press him even when he grew uncomfortable.

Apparently, they had a tradition. Jasper learned this very quickly when she clambered onto his lap dragging a photograph album behind her.

"She likes to hear you tell her the story behind each photograph," Edward explained.

Jasper's heart fell. The last thing he wanted to do was disappoint his little girl. He was forever terrified she would be hurt by his memory loss.

But Bella was a trooper. As she settled herself on Jasper's lap, opening the page, she comforted him quickly. "Don't worry, Papa. I can tell  _you_ the stories this time!"

"Did your Mommy make this for you?" Jasper asked, amused as he touched the flourishes on the album - stickers and other adornments. It had to be Alice's work.

"Uh huh," Bella confirmed.

She picked photos at random, humming to herself as she flipped pages. "This is you, me, and Mommy when I was borned. You were soooooooo happy."

Jasper chuckled, wishing like hell he remembered that.

"Mommy said you almost fainted when they gived her the epidermis."

"Epidural?" Jasper asked.

"Yeah. That. Because it was a biiiiiig needle." She gave an exaggerated shake. "I  _hate_ needles."

She continued, picking and choosing different photographs, explaining why she was covered -  _covered_ \- in talcum powder. Pointing to another pair of pictures, she told him that Papa was good at spinning her around by her arms and Daddy was best at piggy back rides.

"Who's that, your teacher?" Jasper asked, pointing to a picture Bella almost skipped. An older woman, quite beautiful, was bent at the waist, her hands on her knees as Bella looked up at her, obviously explaining something animatedly.

Bella tilted her head up to look at him, her expression adorably perplexed. "Papa... that's Grammy."

"That's my mother," Edward said quietly.

Without looking, Jasper knew the other man was watching him again. That careful expression - like he was waiting for the memories to come back.

Like he was waiting for Jasper to remember the life they'd shared and return to it.

Jasper swallowed hard, seeing the likenesses now that he knew to look for them.

"And this is Grampa," Bella said helpfully, pointing to another picture with Bella in the arms of a good looking blond man with Edward's eyes.

It struck Jasper then that his daughter didn't seem to know his parents as grandparents, but she knew Edward's.

What a strange world he lived in.

"What are their names?" he asked, looking up at Edward.

"Esme and Carlisle." Edward paused. "They've missed you, but they haven't wanted to crowd you."

Jasper's lips quirked. Of course they didn't. "They like me then, huh?" he asked, lighthearted enough that Bella wouldn't worry.

"They love you, actually." Edward laughed lightly. "My mother has taken your side several times when we've argued - the traitor."

Edward's parents loved him. Jasper was willing to bet his own parents were less than civil to Edward, if they'd met him at all.

"Daddy, Grampa and Grammy are coming to my party, right?" Bella asked, looking over at Edward.

"Of course, sweetheart. You know they wouldn't miss it for the world."

Cheerfully, Bella skipped ahead a few pages. "See, Papa? This is all of us at  _your_ birthday."

He didn't recognize everyone from the picture. If he had to guess, he thought they might be a smattering of his fellow officers. Emmett he recognized, and Rosalie. A slightly smaller Bella was affixing a birthday hat to his head while everyone looked on, amused.

Jasper had his arm wrapped possessively around Edward's waist.

"If it's hard for you to look at-" Edward began, but Jasper shook his head.

"Would you cut that out?" Jasper asked, a little exasperated. "I'm not trying to pretend the last seven years don't exist. There's no point in that." He looked at Bella whose face had grown a little pensive, her eyes darting back and forth between them. "Can you maybe give us a second?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hover," Edward said. Ducking his head, he left the room.

Jasper closed his eyes briefly.

There was definitely an intensity to the atmosphere when he and Edward were in the same room. He wasn't oblivious to it, just like he wasn't unaware of how attractive he found the other man. But the heaviness in the air around them was confusing. Jasper couldn't describe it, couldn't discern if it was created from the knowledge that their lives were entwined or if it was something else entirely.

He knew he didn't love Edward, didn't feel for him the way he felt for Peter or Alice. Edward wasn't his friend; they didn't share that closeness.

They were betwixt and between relationships - bound and yet completely undefined. Really, Jasper's whole life floated in that indefinable space, but with everyone else, Jasper at least knew what to think, how to act around them. With Edward, everything was a question mark.

"Papa?" Bella's little hands were on his face, her voice concerned. "Are you sleepy?"

Smiling in spite of his heavy heart and his confusion, Jasper opened his eyes again. "Not even a little bit."

"Okay. You wanna play pirates again?" she asked brightly.

"Fine, but you get to wear the eyepatch this time."

_**~0~** _

September 13th was a clear, if a little chilly, day. Bella was at school, so Jasper had requested they take the time before her party to go see Carlisle and Esme.

Jasper was nervous, which made Edward smile. Despite the fact he was a confident man, he'd been jumpy the first time, too. He'd babbled a little, wondering if they would approve. Edward was nineteen and Jasper twenty-two. It wasn't a big age difference, but it could matter to some people. Jasper wasn't as well educated. He would probably never make much money as a cop. Edward, on the other hand, was from a well to do family.

And, of course, Jasper had the ex-wife and child.

Then as now, Edward was more worried his parents would be overbearing. But both times, he needn't have worried. Carlisle and Esme had always been accepting and welcoming.

Today, they gave Jasper enough space, not trying to pull him into the hugs that were typical in his family. They shook hands and asked how he was, and in no time he was comfortable with them.

Truth be told, Edward was a bit jealous. Jasper was still so anxious and uncertain when they were alone.

It was a befuddling paradox. Jasper wasn't pushing him away. In fact, now he was letting his mother and father into the mix. But at the same time, Edward knew it wasn't a promise. Jasper was looking out for Bella's best interests. And while it was a relief that the other man wouldn't try to take Bella away from him, Edward knew it wasn't a guarantee that Jasper wouldn't walk away from  _them_.

The thought had Edward twisting with anxiety, but what could he do?

Again, that same feeling - the want to fight but the powerlessness of not knowing how. If he fought for Jasper now, wouldn't it just scare the other man away?

Answerless questions and frustrating to boot.

So Edward tried to take things day by day. Today, Jasper was letting his parents back into his life. Today, they would celebrate Bella's sixth birthday. Edward was trying to get to a place where he could enjoy the moments.

He was trying to forget that moments might be all he had.

_**~0~** _

Bella's party was intimate - family and a few friends. It wasn't anything special - especially compared to her previous parties - but the little girl didn't seem to mind. She was content with pizza for dinner, cake, and running around the backyard with her friends.

"You always told me I was crazy," Alice mused to Jasper. "Especially when she was a baby, a toddler. Her first birthday I went over the top, and you're right, she'll never remember."

They would, Jasper thought. Or they were supposed to, anyway. "She likes looking at the pictures," he said out loud.

"Yeah," Alice agreed, watching their daughter with a fond eye. "She's more like you, you know. Low maintenance. She only barely tolerates it when I try to dress her up." Alice laughed. "You know, I was so ecstatic when we found out we were having a girl. There's just so much more little girl stuff than little boy stuff, but no. I get a little tom boy who probably won't give a damn about shoes when she's old enough."

Hostess duty called, and soon Jasper was left alone, watching his daughter and this strange combined family he'd stumbled into.

His eyes roamed around the party and abruptly met with Edward's. The other man quickly looked away, rubbing his neck, obviously a little embarrassed at being caught staring.

Jasper sighed quietly, wondering randomly if the medications he was on would really react that disastrously if he mixed them with alcohol. After all, if he really wasn't twenty anymore, he should get to enjoy the perks of that, right?

He'd zoned out a little, his thoughts getting too muddled again, when he heard the hiss of an exasperated child.

"Ssssstop."

Looking up, Jasper's eyebrows furrowed.

Bella was sitting crosslegged with a group of other children. There was a little boy behind her though - a dark haired child with a mischievous smile. He was standing.

And as Jasper watched, he reached out and tugged on one of Bella's pigtails.

Jasper frowned, his automatic reaction to get up and get that little boy away from his daughter, but he didn't know if he should. Watching Alice and Edward, they were both prone to letting Bella handle herself as often as possible. She was a tough little girl.

But was this one of those times?

Bella, with a growl that was honestly one of the more adorable things he'd ever heard in his life, pushed herself to her feet and stood on her tiptoes to get in the little boy's face. "You stop that right now, Jake!"

"Whatcha gonna do about it, huh?" the little boy asked brattily. He gave her a little shove.

Jasper frowned.

"I said stop!" Bella said, her hands on her hips. "I mean it."

Again the little boy shoved her so she stumbled.

Bella promptly turned and called, "Daddy!"

Jasper's heart twisted a little bit, aching, wondering why she didn't want him - her biological father.

Edward looked up, catching Bella as she ran into his arms. "What's wrong, sweetheart?"

"Jake is being mean, and I want to hit him. But you says hitting is bad. So you have to hit him," Bella explained in a huffy voice.

By that time, the childrens' tussle had drawn the attention of a few people.

Frowning, Edward knelt so he was more the children's height. "What did he do?"

"He pulled my hair and pushed me when I told him to stop."

"Oh, I didn't either," the little boy protested.

"Yes-huh," Bella argued.

"Jacob," a man and woman had come to stand behind Jacob and now looked down at him sternly. It was the mother who spoke. "Tell the truth."

The boy looked sheepish. "Well, maybe a little. But I wasn't being mean!"

The man looked up at Edward. "He likes her, that's all. He just has a crush." He grinned a larger version of his son's winning smile. "It's no big deal."

Edward didn't look amused. When he spoke, his voice was calm and polite, but firm. "I prefer to teach my daughter that hair pulling and shoving are not acceptable signs of affection." To Jacob he only said. "Behave, or Bella might not invite you to her party again."

The boy scowled at Edward but said a grudging 'sorry' to Bella who quickly forgave him. All the kids were playing again in no time.

How easy it was for them to forgive and forget.

Obviously it wasn't the same for the adults. More than once, Jasper saw Jacob's parents casting wary expressions at Edward who studiously ignored them.

Chafing pride, Jasper thought. It seemed like little Jake's parents thought Edward was overreacting. Pigtail pulling was a time honored tradition for little boys who had crushes on little girls and didn't know how to handle it.

But the more he thought about it, the more he agreed with Edward. Why should he teach his little girl that any kind of abuse could be labeled affection? And why should Jacob be taught that his shoving and hair pulling to show how much he 'cared' was appropriate?

Parenting... it definitely was more complicated than it looked.

It was just one more thing to consider along with all the thoughts roaming his head.

Again, Jasper's heart panged when he saw how automatic it had been for Bella to call for Edward. Was this typical, or had she picked up on the fact Jasper was useless as a parent currently?

Either way, it occurred to him he should be jealous. It was his job to protect his little girl. He should have been territorial of this spot - ready to bare his teeth at any man who thought he could assume a role that was rightfully Jasper's.

But he wasn't jealous.

It was well after they were all back home and Jasper was alone in the master bedroom trying to sleep that he figured out the odd emotion that welled in him when he watched Edward come to Bella's defense.

It was a turn on.

Seeing Edward as a father - as his daughter's father - was strangely... alluring.

It was something about the confidence he exuded. It wasn't easy to tell a parent you didn't appreciate one of the ways they were raising their kid, but Edward had done it smoothly, without flinching, because it was right for Bella. He'd been polite and concise. Classy and yet unrelenting.

And yeah, it did something to Jasper.

Attraction.

Objectively, Jasper knew Edward was attractive, but that afternoon, something else had sparked, something that went a little deeper than a shallow once-over.

Though what Jasper was supposed to do with it - what he wanted to do with it - he didn't know.

It was just another confusing truth to add to the jumble of inexplicable emotions wreaking havoc in his overburdened head.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many thanks to Naelany, barburella, jessypt, and jfka06 for their continuous support and input!
> 
> And thanks to you for coming along on this journey. I know it's not an easy one, but hopefully it will be worth it! See you soon.


	8. Are You Going To Fight?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Lovelies! Short chapter is short, but I hope you'll enjoy it anyway. MWAH. Much love to you.

Edward hadn't really slept for a long, long time.

There were the weeks on end he spent at the hospital, unable to fathom leaving Jasper's side. And now... Now he was relugated to the guest bedroom while the man he loved slept alone in the bedroom they once shared.

It was hard to sleep without him.

The night was long and too quiet. In spite of his every effort not to, Edward slipped into his memories.

~0~

It was the night before Jasper left for his trip with Emmett.

Well, really, it was the very early morning when Edward stirred, coming out of a restless sleep with a moan.

Something felt good. Really good.

Hot breath on his shoulder, warm lips, slow kisses to his bare skin.

"Jasper," he murmured, a little disoriented.

A hand stroked his chest, a thumb circling his nipple.

"I'm asleep," he muttered, turning onto his back, opening his eyes slowly.

Jasper lowered his head, capturing his lips for a long, slow, too-convincing kiss. Edward sighed, raising his hands, threading his fingers in Jasper's hair. He felt the blond man's smirk against his lips.

Edward pulled back slightly. "It's late. Some of us have to work tomorrow."

"It's early," Jasper corrected with a small sigh, running the tip of his nose up and down Edward's neck. "And you don't have to work. You own the place, Edward. Being the owner means you're allowed to come in late if you want to." He kissed his chin. "And I'm going to miss you." He kissed his nose.

"It's just one night, right?" Edward asked, his voice not as steady as he'd like. He wrapped his arms around his lover, holding him close.

Jasper kissed him again, a serious kiss. "It's going to be a long night. It always is without you."

Edward's throat closed so he couldn't speak for a moment. But there was no need to speak out loud when actions would suffice. They spoke the lover's language - mouth to mouth, skin to skin, moans and sighs.

There was the snap of the lube, and Jasper's hands were between them. Edward helped, moving his hand to wrap around his lover's length, spreading the slickness, making him hard. He swallowed Jasper's soft moan and spread his legs welcomingly. Jasper straddled him and slipped inside him easily.

Their lovemaking wasn't the hurried, fervent thing it could be. It was slow, easy, more concentrated on the intensity of their kisses than the other ways their bodies were connected. Edward lost himself in the feel of Jasper's tongue twining with his as he moved inside him. Their hands were clasped above Edward's head.

They only broke their kisses when their moans got too loud to contain. Jasper picked up the pace, and Edward bucked his hips up to meet his thrusts. He threw his head back against the pillow, panting Jasper's name.

For a minute after they were both sated, Jasper lay on top of Edward. It was a warm, welcome weight, and Edward closed his eyes, holding the other man to him.

"Hey." Jasper pushed up onto his elbows, carefully cupping Edward's cheek. "Are you okay?"

Edward blew out a short breath. "Yeah."

Jasper studied him for a moment, obviously picking up on the lie. "Are you mad at me for leaving?"

"Of course not." They both had their own separate hobbies, and that was fine. He tried for a small smile. "You know I wouldn't be me if I didn't worry."

"That's very true," Jasper murmured, snorting lightly. He leaned in, pressing a lingering kiss to Edward's forehead. "I'm going to be fine, darl. This is nothing, you hear?" He watched Edward for a moment and growled. "I knew we shouldn't have seen that movie - with the guy who cuts off his own arm?"

"Gah!" Edward gasped, having not even thought about that. "Thank you. Now I'm just going to picture you pinned under a rock for days on end."

Jasper screwed up his lips at one side of his mouth. "That's not going to happen to me. First of all, my multitool is much sharper."

"Not funny," Edward growled.

"And that guy was out alone. I'll be with Emmett," Jasper concluded. "Safety in numbers, remember?"

Edward closed his eyes briefly, trying to will away the unreasonable fear that rose in him. This wasn't even close to the most dangerous thing Jasper had done, but the trepidation was building in Edward's gut. He nodded, clinging to Jasper for only a moment more before he let him go.

"Now go back to sleep. I'll be home before you know it."

"Okay." He was sleepy. It was still very early.

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

There was the brush of Jasper's lips against his. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

~0~

Edward pressed his knuckles hard to his lips, struggling with the emotion that welled in him.

A person should know the last time he made love to his man, the last time he would get to kiss him.

Restless, angry, frustrated, and heartbroken, Edward couldn't stay in bed. He conceded the point that he would be able to sleep tonight and got up, rubbing his eyes tiredly, scrubbing away the tears that threatened.

More to distract himself than anything else, Edward decided to head downstairs for a drink of water. He shouldn't have been surprised to find the light already on.

Stepping softly past Lucy on the couch, Edward peered into the kitchen. Sure enough, Jasper was sitting at the table, his hands around a cup of what smelled like hot chocolate that he hadn't touched. He was grinding his jaw.

Edward couldn't help himself. When Jasper didn't stop or seem to notice him standing there, he touched the other man's cheek.

Jasper pulled back, blinking, looking slightly annoyed.

"Sorry," Edward murmured automatically. "You're just going to grind your teeth down to nothing." He studied Jasper carefully for a moment. "You looked agitated."

"I'm just..." Jasper huffed, his shoulders rising and falling sharply once. "I've never had a cock in my mouth. Never."

For a long second, Edward just stared. Then he laughed. He couldn't help it. "I'm sorry. That was rude," he said between titters.

Jasper looked sheepish but still questioning.

Edward raised an eyebrow. He gestured at Jasper's chin. "You have an oral fixation," was all he said.

"Yeah." Jasper ruffled his hair a little restlessly. "I guess that was a stupid thought."

"It's a lot to get used to." He wondered if Jasper would find it a consolation if he knew he was good at it - damn good.

Jasper stared into his cup. "There's something I'm missing," he said gruffly after a moment. He spoke the next words haltingly. "If I pursued you, I sincerely doubt you were my first. I mean, my first man."

Edward's blood ran a little cold, dread pooling in the pit of his stomach. He definitely didn't like where this was going. "No. I wasn't," he said flatly.

The cautious look on Jasper's face told Edward that he'd picked up on his defensiveness. He chose his next words carefully. "I'm just trying to fill in all the blanks. I thought, maybe, retracing my steps..." When Edward said nothing, he went on. "How many between... Peter and you?" He stumbled over the other man's name, his eyes tightening at the corners. He was still in a lot of pain over Peter's death.

Closing his eyes, Edward tried to remind himself Jasper was just trying to put together all the pieces. Just like their relationship hung in the balance - Jasper didn't owe it to him to find a way to love him again - it didn't mean he was going to fall into the same arms he had years before.

He took a deep breath. "There were two men. Only one was... significant." These were very difficult words to say. Edward's throat was tight, and he clenched his hands into fists underneath the table. "I don't know the name of the middle one." His eyes flicked to Jasper's and away. "I'm not sure you do either - it was just one of those nights. But the first... His name is Garrett Damon."

~0~

"Are you insane? Have you utterly lost your mind?"

Feeling exhausted and defeated, Edward slumped in his seat as he stared at his friends, Benjamin and Tia Amun. "What was I supposed to do, lie?" he asked tiredly.

Benjamin looked severely irritated. "I've been sitting back, going along with you on this whole giving him space idea. I get it. The boy is confused. That's understandable. But no. No more. I'm done with that course of action."

"What are you talking about?"

His friend leaned over, his elbows on his knees, to give Edward a hard look. "You have to fight, Edward. You fight for your man."

Sitting back in his seat, Edward stared up at the ceiling rather than look at them anymore. He couldn't take Benjamin's exasperation and Tia's cool sympathy. "Fight," he muttered. "How am I supposed to fight this?"

"I'll tell you how you don't fight it. You don't send him straight into the arms of a man."

"So he spends a little time with his ex. In case you haven't noticed, I'm spending a little time with my ex as we speak," Edward pointed out.

"Don't give me that crap. It's different with you and me. Jasper's ex is a man who, last time I checked, was more than willing to seduce him despite the fact he was, at the time, happily committed to you! One who, in case you didn't remember, has already successfully seduced him right out of the closet once!"

"Enough!" Edward bristled. His heart just hurt, and he desperately wanted to punch something. "You think I wanted to tell him about Garrett? But he was right. Someone knew how to help him through all the confusing things. Just talking to him isn't-"

"Oh my God," Benjamin mumbled, slapping his hand over his eyes.

"Maybe that's what he wants, deep down," Tia spoke up, patting Benjamin's arm. She looked to Edward. "I mean, you and Jasper have been together since you were nineteen. That's really young to be tied to a man with a baby. You got serious so fast, maybe, subconsciously, you want a little freedom."

"No!" The word was a growl. "No, that is not what I want. I just..." He ran his hands through his hair, irritable and restless and helpless. "I don't know how to deal with him right now. His... cockyness is gone. He's not at all confident about who he is, and that's not my Jasper. You know Jasper - he walks like he's ten feet tall. Right now, he's just so..." Edward shook his head. "I don't know what to do with that. I never did."

"Bitch, do you understand the meaning of the word fight?" Benjamin raised a perfectly manicured eyebrow. "Life - it isn't supposed to be a cakewalk. You can't deal with a Jasper who isn't confident, maybe you didn't deserve him in the first place."

That stung like a slap to Edward's face, and he hung his head. "I don't have any patience for this kind of thing, though. You do recall why we broke up, don't you?"

"Because I still had one foot in the closet," Benjamin said cooly. "Of course I remember. It was a deal breaker and rightfully so... When you were eighteen.

"You're not the same man you were when you and I were together," Benjamin continued. "This is your Jasper. This is your family we're talking about. Are you going to let him slip through your fingers because you don't want to be the one who pursues him, who helps him figure out it's not only okay to love another man, but it's so damn good?"

Edward didn't answer. He was staring off, rubbing his hand over his chin, conflicted.

"Because if you think Garrett won't take advantage of Jasper's confusion, you're deluding yourself. You gave him the benefit of the doubt once, remember?"

"Of course I remember," Edward growled, his fists flexing.

"And what did he do? He tried to get Jasper back. He'll do it again, only this time Jasper doesn't know what he stands to lose with you. And like you said, Jasper doesn't have his usual swagger, his natural defenses against that kind of bullshit. Garrett is going to fight for him, and he probably isn't going to have to fight very hard."

Benjamin - dramatic mother fucker that he was - leaned all the way forward, his hands on the coffee table in between them. "So. Are you going to do something or what?"

Edward chewed on the inside of his cheek, his thoughts chaotic - angry and afraid.

Then he sat up straight and nodded. "Yes," he said decisively.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yay Benjamin!
> 
> Thank you to barburella, jfka06, and JessyPT.
> 
> Soooo how do you think Edward intends to fight?


	9. Round One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Ah, I love you guys. So much here's another chapter. MWAH.
> 
> And lookie at the pretty banner TKegl made for this story:
> 
>   
>  [ ](http://s118.beta.photobucket.com/user/lyricalkris/library/Twilight%20Fanfic%20Stuff)   
> 

Jasper had been turning the little piece of notebook paper with Garrett Larson's name and number over and over in his hands.

"Whatcha got there, big brother?" Lucy asked, coming into the living room.

He was about to answer but was quickly distracted by Lucy's state. "Where are you going?"

She gave him a pointed look. "Out."

"What do you mean 'out'? You're going out in a strange city? Looking like that? And with who?"

"Don't go all big brother on me," she said warily. "I'm just going out. It's about time I network - find some friends of my own."

"She'll be fine," Edward said, appearing out of nowhere.

Jasper glanced at him.

And then he did a double take, his throat abruptly going dry.

It wasn't as though he hadn't acknowledged Edward was attractive before. Anyone with eyes could see the man was built just right. He had these features that individually shouldn't have been attractive, but put together...

Well, he was a good looking man.

But tonight, there was just something different about him, something that made Jasper take notice.

Maybe it was the way the simple black shirt he wore showed off a musculature Jasper hadn't noticed before. Edward was turned toward Lucy, so his back and shoulders were on display and clearly defined under the fabric. And why that sight was alluring Jasper couldn't quite say, but it definitely caught his attention.

Or perhaps it was his jeans. Those jeans that hugged him in just the right places and yet hung low on his hips, almost beckoning Jasper to hook his finger through the loops and pull - pull Edward toward him or just take a little peek...

Jasper shook his head hard, trying to dispel the odd notion that had just come over him.

At Bella's party some weeks before, he'd felt a spark, an attraction that went deeper than a mere physical once over. There was a certain tug at his heart, a fondness he felt occasionally. This was different. There was heat behind it. Want.

But want of what?

And why was it so strong in that moment?

There was a difference in his face, his stance tonight, Jasper realized. All these weeks, Edward had exuded an ache, a longing that made Jasper feel guilty and uncomfortable. He knew what the other man was doing couldn't be easy - it wasn't easy for Jasper to watch Alice and not be able to kiss her, hug her, so he had some idea. And for Edward, it had to be so much worse. He carried his pain in the set of his shoulders, the tightness around his eyes, the furrow of his brow... even his hair seemed to droop.

Tonight, though, he just seemed... lighter.

There was a confidence to his stance; he held his head up proudly. An easy smile played at his lips. His hair was casually rumpled, and Jasper found himself just dying to run his fingers through it.

What the fuck was that?

Edward quirked an eyebrow at him.

Jasper cleared his throat. "I'm sorry. What did you say?" He was befuddled and confused.

"I said, I'm lending Lucy my car so she won't have a problem getting around. The clubs around the university are fine." He leaned in, his tone suddenly conspiratorial. "We had our first date in one of those clubs, and we didn't get into too much trouble."

For some reason, the tone of his voice, his nearness, sent shivers down Jasper's spine. Typically, whenever Edward brought up something from their shared past, he was sad and almost apologetic. The way he spoke now it was as if he knew he had a secret, a juicy secret he would tell if Jasper just leaned in closer and let him whisper in his ear.

Jasper took an unconscious step backward.

"Okay, um." He looked over at his sister, giving her a quick squeeze around the waist before he sunk down on one end of the couch, his legs hurting from standing in place too long. "Just be careful, huh?"

Lucy brightened. "Of course. You guys have fun without me tonight!" she called brightly.

The front door slamming made Jasper jump a little. The atmosphere in general was making him jumpy. It was a weird awareness on his skin - a static electricity.

He was almost afraid to look up at Edward.

"So," Edward said, and again Jasper's body jolted slightly at the noise. "I had a thought."

"Did you?"

" _The Avengers_  just came out on Blu-Ray last week," Edward said, sitting on his end of the couch. Rather than the typical, somewhat defensive posture he sat with, today he draped one arm over the back of the couch - his pose easy and open. He gave Jasper a little smile, a curve at one corner of his mouth as he looked up from underneath his eyelashes. "Trust me on this. You loved  _The Avengers_. You made me see it three times, and I know you and Emmett went more than once. But the problem is, you really want to see the whole saga."

Jasper arched an eyebrow. "There's a saga?"

"Mmhmm." Edward held his hand up, ticking off on his fingers. "You have  _Thor_  - my favorite. Chris Hemsworth. The man is delicious. Long blond hair. Pretty face." Edward's eyes lingered on Jasper, making his breath catch in his throat. "Just my type. Captain America. Two Iron Man films." He tilted his head. "Your favorite," he filled in with a wink. "Robert Downey Jr. I can't disapprove. And then you can see  _The Avengers_. Joss Whedon. Joss is Boss."

Jasper brightened because he actually did know who Joss Whedon was.

"So, I was thinking we could order in some Chinese food and get started. What do you think?" Edward finished.

Feeling unreasonably flummoxed by what should have been a simple question, Jasper stumbled a bit as he answered. "I, um... Yeah. Sure."

Edward's smile spread across his whole face then, and Jasper was suddenly glad he was sitting. "Good."

_**~0~** _

It was a good night.

Edward started them on the first  _Iron Man._ It was a good ice breaker. Laughing at Tony's quips was an effective way to dispel the nervousness Jasper felt.

For once, the conversation between them was easy. Edward pointed out little easter eggs and they talked about the differences between the comics and the movie adaptation.

When Jasper slid to the floor to stretch out his legs, Edward lay down on the couch, his head very near Jasper's now. Jasper shouldn't have been surprised. All night long, Edward had been... different.

He would reach his hand across the couch, tapping Jasper's arm to get his attention, leaning into the space between them.

Holding Jasper's gaze as he spoke.

Letting his eyes drift up and down Jasper's form.

When he did that, Jasper was suddenly very aware of the scars that now littered his face.

But the appreciative look in Edward's eyes didn't lessen.

Now, though, Edward's breaths had evened out. Jasper knew he was asleep.

He tried to concentrate on the movie, but he was distracted... distracted by the feel of Edward's hot puffs of breath on his neck.

"Jasper," Edward sighed, still asleep.

Dreaming of him.

Of course, Jasper thought, it was natural. He had these memories - memories that were his alone now - of a life that was barred to him. It was on his mind. It was natural that even as he slept, his thoughts spun on.

"Baby," Edward murmured, shifting so his hands were above his head.

Jasper was staring now.

Edward looked so peaceful. His lips were slightly pouted, moving.

As if he were kissing Jasper in his sleep.

There was a lump in Jasper's throat. He didn't realize he was turning away from the television, from the movie, until he was completely twisted around, watching Edward instead of the movie.

Staring at the other man's face.

At his lips.

Jasper reached out with a trembling hand, needing, wanting to know what Edward's lips felt like, on his fingertips if nothing else. His fingers hovered, and then grazed skin.

Edward's lips. His cheeks. The bridge of his nose.

When Edward's hands came down, resting gently on the blond man's shoulders, Jasper gave a little start, but he still didn't move. Edward was still asleep, his movements purely instinctual.

He was so close to Edward's face. So close. He was captivated. He wasn't thinking at all. His heart was racing, his blood pumping with a mixture of fear.

And want.

Edward's hand cupped the back of his head, tugging.

A second later, their lips touched.

It was a delicate brush at first. Edward sighed, and the warmth of his breath made Jasper pleasantly dizzy.

Edward's fingers stroked his neck, his kiss becoming firmer, seeking more.

Jasper closed his eyes, shivering with the emotion the rocked his body, reveling in the feel.

When Edward's tongue swept across Jasper's bottom lip, the thoughts that had escaped him for that prolonged minute were on him in a heartbeat. He reached up and shoved Edward back. Hard.

Edward woke with a start, blinking, obviously confused.

"What the fuck do you think gives you the right to do something like that?" Jasper yelled, panicked, struggling to get to his feet.

Edward was quick to sit up. The confident, somewhat flirty man he'd been all evening was gone. The uncertain, sad, slightly tortured man was back. "I'm sorry. What did I..." He swallowed hard. "Did I... I didn't mean..."

He blew out a breath and tried to help Jasper up.

Jasper pushed him away. "Don't touch me." He pulled himself to his feet, leaning heavily on the arm of the couch.

"I won't," Edward assured, his hands up.

For a long second, the two men stared at each other. Jasper knew he was being tremendously unfair, but his head was spinning.

The key in the door broke the horribly heavy air between them. They both jumped.

Jasper took the opportunity to hobble off to the safety of his room.

_**~0~** _

Edward sat on the edge of the bed in the guest room, distraught. He leaned his elbows on his knees and slumped forward, gripping his hair in his fists and tugging. Tightly.

He felt foolish and guilty. Why had he thought this was a good idea? It was so unfair of him to manipulate Jasper like that when he wasn't ready. It was a selfish thing to do.

And he also felt confused.

He knew he'd fallen asleep and as he slept, he dreamed. From Jasper's reaction - and his nearness when he'd awaken - Edward understood he must have acted on his dreams and kissed the other man.

But... why had Jasper been close enough to kiss?

A clatter in the hallway drew his attention. It was followed by a breathless, definitely masculine, "Fuck!"

Edward hurried to the door. Sure enough, he found Jasper on the floor at the top of the stairs. His skin was near bone white and covered by a sheen of sweat. Quickly, Edward darted to him. He bent automatically to get his arms around him but pulled back when Jasper glared.

"Let me help you up," Edward said quietly, a gentle but firm command.

Breathless and obviously in pain, Jasper nodded once - a jerk of his head. Edward bent down again, putting his arm around Jasper's waist as the blond man looped his arms around his neck. Together, they got Jasper upright again.

Edward lingered until Jasper was more steady, propped with one hand against the wall. Then he took a step away, giving Jasper space.

"What were you thinking?" Edward said, a little exasperated. Fear lingered just under his skin. His heart had about leapt out of his throat when he saw Jasper toppled like that. "You could have fallen down the stairs."

"I made it," Jasper mumbled irritably.

"What are you doing up here, anyway? What did you need?" He ached to push a strand of Jasper's sweat-slicked hair away from his face, but somehow he resisted.

Leaning heavily on the wall, trying to catch his breath, it took Jasper a few seconds to answer. He glanced up, his expression furtive and nervous. "I had to come up here." He breathed in deep. "To apologize."

Edward rubbed the back of his neck, self-conscious. "No. I should apologize. I didn't mean-"

He cut off when Jasper held his hand up in a stopping motion. "Just let me talk, okay?" He swallowed hard, still looking sallow and tired.

"Why don't you come sit down?" Edward said, aching just watching him try to stay upright.

"Yeah." Jasper said with a sigh. "That's probably a good idea."

To Edward's surprise, Jasper reached for him automatically, steadying himself with his hand on his arm. Together, they made their way slowly down the hallway, into Edward's room. Jasper was so exhausted by the effort, he actually laid down on the bed, his eyes closed as he caught his breath.

Finding a blank piece of wall, Edward slid down to the floor, his eyes intent on Jasper as a memory came to him.

_It had been a long night. Inventory at the music store Edward owned. He came home ready to fall in bed, looking forward to a good cuddle as he fell asleep._

_Except his bed was empty._

_Frowning, Edward picked up the note that lay on the cold sheets._

_Apparently, Jasper had come down with a rather bad cold and had sequestered himself in the guest room upstairs, warning Edward to stay away lest he get sick._

_"Not likely, love," Edward muttered out loud._

_Knowing Jasper well enough, Edward could guess he'd merely tucked himself in bed. So he made a cup of thera-flu tea, grabbed the Tylenol and headed upstairs._

_Jasper looked horrible. His face was so pale, the skin a sickly grey color. When Edward touched his forehead, he found his skin clammy and super hot to the touch._

_Sitting on the bed, Edward stroked Jasper's sweaty hair back. "Wake up," he encouraged, running his fingers through the other man's hair as Jasper groaned and coughed. "Come on. Sit up a little."_

_"Ugh," Jasper grumbled, opening his eyes slowly. "Go 'way."_

_"Don't be such a baby," Edward chided lightly. "You need medicine, Jasper."_

_His lover grumbled, burrowing under the blankets further._

_"You're worse than Bella," Edward said with a chuckle._

_Eventually, Edward roused Jasper enough to swallow down the tylenol for his aches and a few gulps of tea. He sat with his back against the headboard and Jasper's head in his lap, lulling him back to sleep._

_"You shouldn't be up here," Jasper mumbled, half asleep already. "You're going to get sick."_

_"Then I get sick," Edward said nonchalantly. "It's my job to take care of you."_

_Jasper just sighed and reached up, tugging on Edward's hand. Understanding what he wanted, Edward lay down behind him, wrapping him in his arms. He radiated heat, but he seemed to feel better with Edward holding him._

Edward shook the memory away, trying to dispel the urge to gather Jasper into his arms again. He sincerely doubted it would make him feel better this time.

When his breathing slowed, Jasper opened his eyes and sat up, looking at Edward. "You didn't do anything wrong tonight," he said finally.

Edward looked at him, uncertain.

Tugging restlessly on his ear, Jasper started to babble. "I don't know what came over me. You were dreaming, and I was... I guess I was looking at you." His cheeks were flushing bright red. "Look... anyway. Long story short, you didn't do anything, and I had no right to yell at you like that."

Blinking, Edward tried to process this information.

And then he tried not to smile, tried not to let hope blossom at his core.

"You were close," he murmured.

Jasper looked down. Even the tips of his ears were red. His breath sped a little again, and he seemed agitated when he spoke. "Why do you want me?"

Not expecting that at all, Edward started. "What?"

"Why do you want me?" Jasper repeated. "I know I look like him, but I'm not him."

"What do you mean by that?" Edward's heart had started to twist and pound erratically in his chest.

"The guy you're so obviously in love with." Jasper looked right at him, his tone and his eyes somewhat wild and pained. "I'm not him."

"Jasper-"

"No. Follow me here. People change. That's the inherent nature of humans. We are a product of our experiences. We evolve. We change based on the choices we make." He paused, looking away. His hands wrung the blankets beneath him. "Well, I got handed a do-over whether I wanted it or not. I don't recognize the man everyone thinks I am. I don't understand him. So I have to go down this road again - that I understand. I get it. But I'm not going to come out the other end of this the same way I did."

Now Edward looked down. It hurt too much to see him even in profile because wasn't this exactly what he was terrified of? That whatever had aligned to make them fall in love the first time wouldn't realign, and Jasper wouldn't even be capable of wanting him anymore.

Jasper sighed, and when he spoke again his voice was soft, almost tender. "You don't know me, Edward. That's why you and and Alice had to share the responsibility of telling me about my life. She knew my past. You knew my present." He paused, his tone becoming bitter when he said, "No one knows me now."

It was painful to swallow. Actually, Edward was finding it difficult to breathe. "What are you asking me to do? Are you telling me to move on?"

"I can't tell you what to do. I know I wouldn't blame you if you did move on," Jasper said slowly. "I just... I know when I'm being... pursued."

Now Edward's cheeks flamed even though he hadn't exactly been subtle.

"Maybe... I mean, I just need to figure out a few more things before I'm ready for that."

Edward swallowed hard again, turning these words over in his head.

Jasper wasn't saying no, he was saying not yet.

"That's... very fair." Edward looked up. "I'm sorry about that. I knew better, it's just... When you asked about Garrett, it made me very nervous." He rubbed the back of his neck. "It still makes me nervous. Garrett won't respect your boundaries. He won't be shy about trying to seduce you."

"And you think that will endear him to me?" Jasper challenged.

"It worked the first time," Edward shot back.

Jasper looked away, his jaw taut. "I'm not going to make promises I can't keep." He took a deep breath. "But it's just a conversation, Edward, a fill in the blanks. And honestly..." His tone became soft - tired but sincere. "I am really not looking to hurt you. I know you're hurting enough."

Edward breathed in through his nose and out again slowly. He nodded. "It's late," he said rather than continue this discussion. "Why don't you let me get you downstairs?"

"Yeah. Okay."

They were both silent as Edward, his arm around Jasper's waist, led him downstairs. Neither of them spoke until Jasper was settled.

"Jasper," Edward began quietly, standing in his doorway. "You're still you. And I do love you. I'll give you space, but please don't expect me to give up. You're worth the fight."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I wish you guys could see my docs. JessyPT, barburella, and jfka06 are fricken hilarious.
> 
> Ohhhhhh and Tkegl made me a GORGEOUS banner for this story. I'm going to put a link to all my banners in my profile if you're interested!


	10. The Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Omai! We don't like Garrett at all. LOL. Well, you haven't met him yet, people! So without further ado...

"I'm not surprised Edward sees it that way."

Garrett Larson was the definition of roguishly handsome - tall, dark, and roguishly handsome. He had a Han Solo grin and a definite grooming problem. His hair was long and scraggly, his face rough with stubble. He exuded the kind of sexy confidence that told Jasper he could charm the pants off anyone - and he knew it.

Under the circumstances he made Jasper strangely nervous and self-conscious.

Garrett chuckled. "That's got to suck, man. I can see it in you."

Jasper shifted in his seat, looking around the coffee shop. He hated this feeling - like everyone was staring at him. "What's that?"

"You have the same look on your face as you did back then - when I first met you." He sat back. "So you're here for that story, then?"

"That's the idea."

"Okay." He rubbed at his scruffy chin. "Well, to be entirely honest, I spotted your tragically straight friend first. That boy flirts with everyone, doesn't he?"

Jasper scoffed. "Yeah, that's gotta be Emmett."

"Emmett. Right. We were at the same camp site and the boy was being downright crude about his hot dogs." He chuckled. "And you... you were being very quiet."

Garrett's tone dropped, and he leaned forward across the table. "It took me a while to notice the way you were looking at me." He shook his head. "If I'd known then what I know now... But it was cute, you know? Real nice. You were so nervous, looking out of the corner of your eye, when you thought no one was looking at you." Garrett tilted his head, his smile teasing. "Checking out this fine ass when I bent over to get a drink."

He winked, and Jasper ducked his head, feeling ridiculously bashful. Edward was right about that, anyway. Garrett wasn't shy about flirting with him openly despite the situation.

"But really, as nice as my ass is, I think these are what caught your attention initially." He sat back a little, tugging something out from underneath his shirt.

Before he could help it, Jasper's hand darted out and he took hold of the dog tags Garrett had taken out. "You're a military man."

"That I am. Discharged now, but, yeah. When you met me, I was all buzzcut and muscles." He grinned. "So I'm thinking to myself, 'excellent. I might be getting me some outdoor sex', and hoping you're a bottom because I don't like getting sap on my hands."

Jasper flinched at his direct words, not quite ready for that image just yet.

Garrett's grin broadened. "This is so much déjà vu..." He sat back again, his arm over the back of the booth. "Anyway, so I finally get you alone. We're talking. Well, to be fair, I was talking, you were stammering and looking annoyed at yourself - not unlike right now.

"It took me awhile to understand what was happening, why your signals were so hot and cold."

His smile gentled, his expression growing serious. "When I figured out what was going on... I did right by you, Jasper. I really did. We took it slow, very slow. But it was worth it. It was a beautiful thing, really. I know you wanted it to be Peter, so I was... honored that you chose me for your firsts. I took that very seriously."

"So what happened?"

"You mean why didn't we last?" Garrett shrugged easily. "Not a good fit. We weren't together for very long... and technically we weren't really together anyway. We had all the physical stuff and none of the intimacy."

Jasper nodded slowly. "Okay. But then when I was with Edward-"

Garrett waved his hand. "Your boyfriend... or whatever has always been prone to exaggeration." He sighed. "Technically, he's right. I did... hit on you when you were already with him, but in my defense, I just didn't realize it was that serious. Last I'd heard at that point, you weren't looking for complication - which makes sense, little baby at home and all. And there you were with a nineteen-year-old kid. It didn't make sense."

Put that way, it really didn't make sense. Jasper ran his hands through his hair, curious about this question that had occurred to him before.

But before he could process that thought, Garrett was leaning across the table again. "So, are things with Edward going okay?"

Jasper snorted, looking down at his coffee cup, rotating it a quarter way round and back. "It's... complicated."

"I guess it would be." He reached out, putting his hand on Jasper's. It was a comforting gesture, or it was meant to be. "It's got to be... Well, I can't imagine."

"Yeah." He chuffed. "It's been interesting."  
Garrett backed off again, spreading his arms over the back of the seat. "Well, if you're looking for your third first kiss..." He winked.

Jasper laughed, a little nervous but mostly amused. "Little late on that one, hoss."

"Really?" Garrett's eyebrow arched. "Edward? I thought he was giving you space."

"He's trying," Jasper said honestly.

"Better man than I, I'll tell you that much." He looked at Jasper, his expression open - honest. "He's right to be anxious about you being half on half off the market."

"I'm not on the market," Jasper muttered. "I'm not... anywhere."

Garrett drained his coffee. "Well. Best of luck, Jasper. Really."

_**~0~** _

Usually, when Bella was over, Edward was the picture of an attentive father. He adored the little girl. Often times, he reflected that besides Jasper, Bella - six years old or not - was his best friend.

The trouble with that was she was very attuned to him.

They were coloring in the living room, and Edward was trying to pretend he wasn't constantly glancing over at the kitchen where Jasper was sitting, staring at his laptop.

The truth was, he was dying to ask. He wanted to know what had happened with Garrett. No matter how much he tried to convince himself it wasn't his business, he was going out of his mind with anxiety.

Bella pushed him back slightly so she could climb into his lap. She wound her skinny little arms around his neck and looked at him with a hilariously serious expression. "Daddy, if Papa hurt your feelings, you should send him to his room to think about what he's done."

Edward laughed and tilted his head, bumping hers gently. "Have I ever told you how much I love you?"

She rolled her eyes. "Only a thousand times."

He kissed her nose and stood, setting her down on the couch before sitting beside her. "For the record, Papa didn't do anything wrong."

"Then why is you looking at him like he's in trouble?" she challenged.

"Bella."

Bella and Edward looked over to find Jasper had wandered in from the kitchen and was leaning heavily against the wall.

"Remember last week? When I tried to feed you nuts?"

"Nuts make me aner-gic," Bella said seriously.

"Yeah." He ran his hand through his hair nervously. "I know that now. But you know, sometimes I forget things I don't want to."

Bella looked between Edward and Jasper. She beckoned to Jasper who dutifully went to sit beside her and Edward on the couch. When she continued to beckon he put his face near hers.

"When you made Daddy mad before, you cooked his favorite dinner." She was whispering, but of course, Edward heard every word. He turned his face away, covering his mouth with his hand to smother a laugh.

"Well, thank you, baby," Jasper whispered back and kissed her forehead.

"Or if it was a really big bad, you could do like Charlie does. He gives Mommy flowers. 'Cept they're these flowers made of pineapples! And strawberries!" Bella bounced on Edward's lap excitedly.

Jasper's eyebrows went straight up to his forehead. "Who does what?"

"Charlie," Bella said innocently. "He and Mommy kiss."

"Charlie who?"

"Jasper," Edward murmured.

"His name is... ummm." Bella bit her bottom lip, staring upward in concentration. "Charlie... Duck?"

"Charlie Swan?" Jasper asked. He looked up at Edward. "Like Charlie Swan, one of my fellow... I mean, former fellow officers?"

Edward stood, sweeping Bella up with him. "Come on, sweetheart. Do you want to watch a movie?"

"Can I watch Thor? I like Thor."

"You and me both."

Once he had her set up in the upstairs loft with her movie, he went downstairs to figure out what was going on with Jasper.

He was sitting on the couch, scrubbing his hand over his face.

"I'm sorry," Jasper muttered.

"You don't have to apologize to me." Edward sat beside him, giving him a little space.

Jasper gave a little laugh and sat back on the couch. "Garrett was right. You're good at this."

Edward bristled but didn't say anything.

Glancing at him, Jasper grimaced. "I'm sorry. I keep saying the wrong thing." He took a deep breath. "Just from one minute to the next, I don't know how to feel. I still feel like I have some claim to Alice. And I shouldn't." He looked off, his jaw clenched. "Charlie is a good guy. I don't fucking remember working with him, but he came by when I was in the hospital." The skin around his eyes tightened. "Guess it wasn't out of his way."

"He's good to her. It was very recent when you fell."

"It's really none of my business."

"Well, it is your business. If only for Bella it's your business," Edward said soothingly. "For the record, he's good with Bella. Protective."

Jasper grunted and nodded. "Anyway. What I was saying is... part of me still feels like I have a life with Alice. And then the whole Peter thing..." He looked up. "I forget that someone has a... right to feel jealous."

"This is confusing for me, too. I don't have a right to be jealous-"

"Yeah. You do," Jasper said firmly. He looked down, rocking a bit. "Nothing's changed from what I told you the other day. I don't know who I am." He paused. "And I really don't know who you are."

Edward's stomach twisted. He didn't know what to say to that. His heart was pounding, and he felt the last strings he was desperately holding onto slipping away.

"So, I was wondering... Maybe it'd be nice to kill two birds with one stone. You know the things I like, the things I'm missing, and I should try to get to know you. I mean, we're housemates now and all," he tried to joke, but his laugh was too thin.

Jasper looked up, and the expression on his face was nervous, vulnerable. "Maybe we can start by finishing that movie marathon? You were right. I liked it."

For a full minute, Edward stared. One corner of Jasper's mouth quirked up, and he reached across the space between them. Placing two fingers under Edward's jaw, he gently pushed up, shutting his mouth.

"S-sorry," Edward stuttered. "I um... That would be really nice." He looked at Jasper, trying to read the air between them. "I won't fall asleep this time."

Jasper looked down, an alarmingly alluring blush tinting his cheeks. He looked up again from under his eyelashes. "For the record? Before I flipped out on you... It wasn't bad."

"No?"

"No."

Edward smiled slightly, cheered and hopeful.

"And Edward?"

He looked over again.

"Garrett didn't try anything." His eyebrows quirked. "He made it clear he wouldn't mind trying something, but when I wasn't receptive, he backed off pretty quick."

"Thank you for telling me."

_**~0~** _

Jasper rubbed the back of his neck, wondering how he was supposed to segue into this particular conversation.

As usual, his nervousness irritated him. Sure, these were awkward questions, but Edward had told him time and again: anything he needed to know.

He hadn't been this flummoxed when he spoke to Garrett - a total stranger who hadn't been helping him get better.

It was the love thing, he realized. It was one thing to ask someone about their physical relationship, it was quite another to consider being in love.

Right then, love was a twisted paradox in his head. He thought he was in love with Alice, and maybe in a way he was - it just wasn't the right kind of love. He knew he was in love with Peter - a love that was all ache when he discovered its existence. Slowly, day by day, that ache was getting easier to breathe around.

Love was an intense thing.

He had no basis for whatever love he shared with Edward, nothing in his remembered psyche that explained why they were compatible.

"Are you okay?"

Jasper looked up to find Edward's concerned eyes on him. They were sharing a pizza. It was Jasper's idea to eat in the kitchen rather than in front of the TV. He'd asked for this specifically so he could talk to Edward, and now he was waffling.

"I was just thinking about us," he admitted.

Edward arched an eyebrow. "What about us?"

"Well, you were nineteen and what - a Sophomore when we met? I'm just trying to understand why a nineteen year old kid would... fall in love with a man like me, a man with a baby and baggage."

For a second, Edward looked a little shocked. Then he glanced down at the table, his lips lifting in a private smile as he chuckled. "I'm sorry. It's just that you remind me of my father. He asked me much the same question when I first told him about you."

He paused as he thought over his words, and then he looked at Jasper, his expression soft, tender. "Love is a selfish emotion. It doesn't think about your circumstances. It doesn't care if you're a nineteen year old boy who maybe shouldn't have thought of tying himself down so young." He tilted his head. "Just like it doesn't care if you're a man with a baby and a life getting wrapped up in a kid who didn't know what the hell his future looked like." He gave a little shrug and looked back down at his pizza. "I don't think love is supposed to make sense, Jasper. You fall in love first and deal with the logistics afterward... if you can."

Jasper felt unreasonably floored by Edward's monologue - just a little stunned. There was something about the eloquence that left Jasper rather charmed.

He cleared his throat and swallowed. "Obviously, we dealt with it."

Edward nodded slowly. "It was simple and complicated," he said with a small smile. "You told me once you asked me out because you thought I was cute-" He rolled his eyes. "-and because you really did have this urge to keep me out of trouble."

Putting down his pizza, Edward put his elbows on the table and rested his chin on his hands, looking off into the distance. "I'd broken up with Benjamin not that long before you arrested me."

"Benjamin... like the guy you were hanging out with the other day?" Jasper asked. His stomach clenched - a similar reaction as he'd had when he heard about Alice and Charlie Swan. He ducked his head quickly when Edward gave him a look. "Sorry," he muttered. "None of my business."

"Well, to answer your question - yes. It's the same Benjamin. Things are, obviously, better between us." He sighed. "We never should have been together. He was a TA - not for any of my classes, mind you - and I was a Freshman. I thought he was brilliant and mistook admiration and attraction for love. And when it was over, I went into a..." he searched for words, "self-imposed tailspin. It happens a lot in college, when you discover you know absolutely nothing about the world or yourself."

Jasper snorted quietly, understanding that emotion quite well.

"So, of course I was vulnerable, and that was when James found me." He looked up and smiled at Jasper. "You were right, of course. You've always been a good judge of character. James preyed on that kind of vulnerability."

Amusement lit his features as he continued. "Anyway. Maybe it was the idea of seeing you in that uniform again," Edward teased. "But I called you. We had lunch - sadly without the uniform - and I suppose I wasn't as much of a stuttering fool as I thought I was because you looked like you wanted to kiss me. You said since we were such good dining buddies, we should have dinner, too. We did."

Caught up in the simple story, Jasper found himself leaning across the table. "Did I kiss you then?" he asked, meaning to make it a joke, but finding the words came out heavier than he wanted them to.

The way Edward looked at him then, Jasper felt a smattering of butterflies flutter in his stomach. Edward's smile was wistful, but his eyes were intense. "You did."

Jasper licked his lips, his throat feeling tight. "And then?"

Edward sighed again. "Then you went home." He paused for a beat. "So I called you again the next day and told you if you were really committed to keeping me out of trouble, you would meet me for lunch again. You did. And there was more kissing. And more lunches, dinners, and other little dates." He looked at Jasper from under his eyelashes. "And then there were... more than kisses."

Jasper rubbed the back of his neck, not quite comfortable but not repulsed either. Actually, he was feeling a little piqued.

"We kind of did this dance for a while, both of us not wanting to admit we were falling," Edward continued quietly. "I didn't want to make the same mistake I had with Benjamin. Here you were, another slightly older man whom I admired greatly. I thought I loved you, but I didn't want to be foolish again. And you, I think, didn't want to get serious with a nineteen-year-old when you knew you couldn't be trooping men in and out of Bella's life.

"But then, one day, things got complicated too quickly. We'd made plans for me to come over to your place... which you completely forgot about when Alice dropped Bella on your lap unexpectedly." A small, adoring smile played on Edward's lips. "That was when I finally met Bella, whom you'd been keeping away from me to that point.

"You told me later you were sure I'd go running when I saw the reality of your life. I mean, most of my friends were partying every weekend," Edward chuckled. "But then again, getting thrown in jail for a night cured me of that impulse anyway." He sighed, obviously caught up in his memories. "And of course, your worries were unfounded. I adored Bella. I think I fell in love with her before I fell in love with you, or at least I acknowledged it first."

He looked over at Jasper. "Then... at some point, we stopped thinking of all the reasons we wanted to be careful and admitted we wanted a life together."

The sadness was back in Edward's expression, the longing, and Jasper saw it before the other man looked away. Jasper felt bad. This was another reason he hadn't wanted to bug Edward; he hated adding to his ache.

When Edward looked up again, his expression was carefully light, though his eyes retained some of the misery. "Is that what you wanted to know?"

Jasper nodded. "That helps a lot." He pushed himself to his feet, grabbing Edward's trash and throwing it away. "So... Maybe you can show me this Thor guy that everyone thinks is so dreamy."

Edward smiled more genuinely. "He is so very pretty," he said with mock seriousness, offering his arm to steady Jasper as they made their way to the living room.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Ooooh jfka06 is going to be SO MAD at me putting Charlie and Alice together. hehehehe.
> 
> Thank you to barburella, jessypt, and naelany for their help! And for yelling and jumping and generally making my docs chaotic.
> 
> SO!
> 
> Thoughts?


	11. Sweet Music

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Weeee. I'm a bad host. I wrote a lot of this at Disneyland. Hehehe. Anyway. Enjoy. Much luffs to you all.

Jasper gritted his teeth, but a growl of pain and exertion came out anyway. Exhausted he laid back on the floor, finally letting himself go limp after doing his exercises. Closing his eyes, he just concentrated on breathing until the pain was bearable again.

"Well," Lucy said from her perch on the couch, "I know you didn't ask me, but I see definite improvement, big brother."

Feeling irritable. Jasper just grumbled, reaching up to wipe his brow of sweat. She was right - he was improving, but he was frustrated.

He was still feeling snippy about an hour later when Emmett came over. His friend gave him a look. "What's going on with you today?" he asked point blank.

Carefully, Jasper put his leg up on the couch, scowling at it. "The chief called me this morning. He wanted to talk about me brushing up on my training and coming back to work."

"That's good news, isn't it?"

Jasper grunted, concentrating on rubbing his leg. "It's going back to desk work. I'm useless out in the field... maybe forever."

Emmett was silent at first, processing this. "Well, as far as desk jobs go, you could do a lot worse," he said lightly. "Your leg is really that bad off?"

"If I work hard, I'll walk with a limp the rest of my life," he said tightly.

"Well, then you better work double time."

Jasper smiled wanly at his friend, feeling frustrated but ready to stop feeling sorry for himself. "Maybe it's a sign. I have a do-over after all. I could go back into police training, relearn everything I forgot... or I could do something else."

"You have a point." Emmett tapped his chin, staring off. "I'm happy with what I do, but sometimes, I think I could start over, do what I dreamed of doing when I was a teenager." He looked over at Jasper. "Do you remember what you wanted to be when you grew up?"

It took Jasper a minute to answer. "Peter and I were going to go into the army," he finally said, his voice far away as he wondered what might have been.

"I'm sorry, man."

Jasper shook his head. "No. There's what my life could have been and what it is now." He took a deep breath. "I'm done moping." He had to smile. "You know, Bella made me watch  _Finding Nemo_ the other day."

Emmett's lips twitched up. "Just keep swimming?"

"It's a good motto. Keep swimming or sink." He breathed deep again. "I'm not going to sink."

A wide grin spread over Emmett's face. He raised his water glass, clinking it against Jasper's on the table. "I'll drink to that."

_**~0~** _

Edward lingered outside the bedroom he used to share with Jasper, his hand raised to knock.

Behind the door, he could hear the music clearly.

These long weeks and months, what might have been worse than their broken relationship was how closed off Jasper was to him. Where they used to tell each other everything - sharing bad days and good days - his lover now suffered mostly on his own. It drove Edward slightly crazy not to know what Jasper was thinking, feeling.

The last few weeks had been better. They spent a lot of time together, getting to know one another, getting to be friends again. It was slightly frustrating and sad for Edward, but necessary. After all, Jasper had been right: he wasn't the same man he had been before he fell off that cliff, and he never would be again.

But this... the music coming from behind the door, was Jasper speaking clearly in a language they shared. Often, when words failed, they both had the habit of turning to music. There was something about the notes, the lyrics, that communicated what they were feeling.

Jasper had told him once that when she thought something was wrong, Alice would ask and ask what was going on until she got some kind of answer out of him. She didn't understand that often, he didn't know how to express what he wanted except through music. She didn't know how to listen to what he was saying when he played songs; music didn't mean the same thing to her as it did to him.

Edward understood.

The songs he'd been playing, flipping through CD's, had a theme. Confusion - understandable. Heartbreak - Peter no doubt.

A few songs were... cautiously hopeful.

Closing his eyes, Edward rested his forehead on the cool wood.

Cautiously hopeful.

After their last few interactions, he wanted so badly to be hopeful. The atmosphere around them was easier... and warmer. There'd been several heavy moments, innocent moments, when they'd been laughing together and the room had suddenly gone silent. Edward tried not to stare, but he thought... maybe Jasper was trying not to stare, too.

Cautiously hopeful, Edward knocked.

The music switched off, and Edward felt an ache. But when he entered, he was quickly distracted.

Jasper was sitting on their bed with a guitar in his hands. "I'm sorry," he murmured. "I just found this... is it yours? Do you play?"

"Um. I do play. But this guitar is yours."

Jasper's eyebrows shot up. "I don't know how to play the guitar."

Smiling, Edward sat gingerly on the edge of the bed. "You do. Very well, in fact." Edward had taught him.

He shivered a moment, remembering sitting with Jasper, the guitar in his hands and Edward's arms around him.

Getting distracted kissing him.

Edward came back to the moment as Jasper experimentally cradled the guitar, putting his fingers along the strings. He strummed.

As Edward watched, Jasper closed his eyes, strumming mindlessly, tunelessly for a moment.

And then he began to play.

Edward's breath caught when he recognized what Jasper was playing. The emotion he felt was overwhelming. At first, he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

After everything they'd been through, how much Edward had longed for a sign - any sign - that what they'd had was somewhere inside him, locked away but not gone.

This was... above and beyond what he'd dare to hope.

When Edward stood, Jasper stopped playing. "Don't," Edward said, going to sit at the keyboard in one corner of the room. "Please don't stop."

"I don't even know what I'm doing," Jasper muttered.

"Just don't stop."

Jasper closed his eyes again. He took a deep breath, uncertain for a second, but then he began to play again. His fingers only faltered a moment when Edward joined him on the keyboard.

The song was perfectly formed, exactly composed for Jasper's guitar and Edward's keyboard. For the first time since Edward had gotten that phone call saying there'd been an accident, he felt like he could take a deep breath. He played easily, knowing the notes by heart.

Just like Jasper obviously still did.

When the song drew to a close, Edward turned to face Jasper again.

His eyes were still closed, his fingers still caressing the strings. He gave a little chuff at first, an incredulous laugh, before he opened his eyes. "I didn't... I don't even recognize that song."

"It's mine," Edward said quietly, watching.

Jasper raised his head, his eyes wide. "What do you mean?"

"I composed it. For us."

"Wow." Jasper looked down again, idly plucking at the keys. "That's... That's impressive. I really liked it."

Edward's answering smile was gentle. "I'm glad." Inside, he was flying. He felt renewed - more than cautiously hopeful. "Play something else," he encouraged.

Jasper looked up, a bemused little smirk playing at his lips. "I don't know what I'm doing."

"I think what I just heard says different."

Experimentally, Jasper plucked at the strings and began to play again.

And again, Edward's breath caught, though for much different reasons this time. Jasper's eyes were closed again, his lips moving silently to the song.

Every complication, every difficult moment of the last couple of months faded away. Edward only saw a beautiful man, only heard the sweet strains of this soft song. There was that familiar tug at his heart because this man was playing for him, this moment was only theirs.

When Jasper brought the song to a close, the very air Edward breathed was heady. There was not a thought in his head. There was nothing but a very simple desire.

He leaned into the space between them, brushing his lips against Jasper's in the barest hint of a kiss.

Realizing what he was doing, he opened his eyes. His voice was caught in his throat, but even if he could have apologized, the look on Jasper's face would have stopped him. There was nervousness there, yes, but also want.

Edward tilted his head again, kissing Jasper softly - a chaste kiss but not lacking for emotion. He was charmed.

Releasing a shaky breath, Edward backed an inch away again. "I'm sorry," he murmured. "It's just that song... You used to play it for me." He cleared his throat and sat back again. "Jasper. You remembered how to play."

Jasper looked down at the guitar in his hands, the guitar he currently had in a death grip. He chuckled, a restless sound. "That's... um..." He shook his head, as if clearing it. "I mean, it's weird."

He tried to set the guitar aside, but Edward was quick to push it back at him. Standing, he rifled through a few sheets of music, pulling out one and laying it on the bed. "Here."

"What am I supposed to do with that? I can't read music."

"Just try," Edward urged.

With a little grumble, Jasper adjusted himself on the bed and moved the music so he could see it.

"Don't think about it."

Jasper glanced at him briefly and then back to the music. He struck a few chords and frowned. Readjusting the guitar, he tried again.

And a moment later, he pushed the guitar away with frustration. He slumped forward, his hands in his hair.

Edward sat next to him on the bed. Hesitantly, he brushed his fingertips over Jasper's head, testing new waters. When the other man didn't pull away, he let his fingers wind through his tresses - he finally had enough length to his hair that it was possible, and Edward had been dying to touch him just like this.

It was surprising how it was the little touches he missed the most.

His fingertips encountered the jagged, raised scar along his skull, and Edward's heart twisted. He swallowed, letting his fingers trail down to Jasper's neck and then his back. "Don't be upset. You know you can do it. I can teach you again."

Closing his eyes, Jasper blew out a long breath. When he opened them again, he seemed calmer. "That's got to be more fun than physical therapy anyway, right?" His lips tugged down, and he looked away. "It's a little weird. You don't expect as an adult there are many things you'd need to relearn, forgetting seven years." He rubbed his leg absently. "I have to learn how to walk right again. I don't know how to be a cop anymore. Apparently I knew how to read music at some point. Then there are the things that were around that have continued to get more complicated in my absence - phones, Facebook... Google does all kind of weird shit now."

The fact that Jasper hadn't pulled away from him yet wasn't lost on Edward. He moved his hand back up to Jasper's neck and began kneading slowly, working out the kinks along his shoulders. He didn't say anything. He knew Jasper didn't need to hear words. He was just venting.

"That feels really good," Jasper said with a more content sounding sigh. He tilted his head. Edward pushed aside the urge to kiss his exposed skin, concentrating on his task.

"Edward?"

"Yes?"

Jasper didn't speak right away. Despite how curious he was - though not without trepidation - Edward didn't press him, giving him room to compose his thoughts. It was still awkward for Jasper to ask about this relationship he didn't remember, especially when he was trying to find an identity he was comfortable with.

"The song you composed for us? Will you tell me why - what it's about?" His tone was self-conscious, and he stared anywhere but Edward as he asked.

But he still wasn't pulling away.

"Is that a stupid question?"

"Of course it's not. Every song has a meaning, a reason it exists." This was the music lover in Edward speaking by rote now, stalling because this part was hard on him, too - giving Jasper back these memories that were no longer shared.

_Edward was, at his core, a romantic. Despite that, his grand gestures of romance were few and far between. Their anniversary was one of them._

_Just a month before, Edward had opened his music store. Jasper often teased him that he'd decided to invest in a music store just to have an excuse to show off the gorgeous baby grand piano he owned. The thing stood off to the side, drawing every eye in the room. Edward tried to tell him the accoustics in the room were far too poor for the decision to have been made strictly on the basis of the piano._

_But that night, he was definitely glad it was there._

_Edward had packed them an intimate dinner made into a picnic which they ate in the privacy of the shop. When they were both full and pleasantly tipsy from the wine, Edward gave Jasper the guitar he'd had custom designed._

_After Jasper expressed his profuse thanks and pleasure, but before he could play anything, Edward took his hand._

_"I thought you might make its first song something special," he explained as he dragged a music stand over._

_"What's this?" Jasper asked, running his fingers over the sheet music Edward had waiting._

_Suddenly, shy - wondering if this was a monumentally bad idea - Edward pulled his lover down onto the piano bench so he was sitting with his back to the piano. "Just play." He sat down facing the piano._

_Jasper plucked at the strings of his guitar experimentally, and then he began to play._

_Edward was glad he was facing away. His smile, he felt sure, must have been ridiculous._

_The song began with a guitar solo - meant to be played by Jasper. It was the strong center of the song - sure and confident but surprisingly peaceful. There was a tenderness to the music._

_Hearing him play it gave Edward an immense satisfaction - a fervent joy._

_He was so caught up, he almost missed his cue._

_Edward's part of the composition - tailored specifically to be played on the piano or the keyboard in a pinch - was a perfect descant to Jasper's part. Each part was unique, beautiful and distinct on its own, but when played together, it was somehow more._

_The song sounded so much better in reality than it had in his head._

_"Wow," Jasper breathed into the silence that followed the last note._

_Knowing exactly how he felt, Edward turned so he was facing away from the piano. He was smugly pleased with himself, with just how well the music played._

_"It's perfect, darl," Jasper murmured, cupping Edward's cheek and tilting his head toward him. "We make beautiful music together."_

_Edward snorted. His complete and utter adoration of the man beside him kept him from being able to make his tone as derisive as he wanted to truly tease. "You're a cheesy bastard."_

_"Yeah, well..." Jasper had that look in his eyes that made Edward feel breathless and tangled up in knots. "What does that say about your taste?"_

_"Hmm," Edward hummed, his gaze moving to Jasper's lips. "Well, you tell me about my taste." He kissed him lightly at first, feeling the way Jasper's mouth turned upward._

_"Now who's a cheesy bastard?" Jasper mumbled against his lips, between little kisses. He sighed. "I love you, Edward."_

Edward shook his head, bringing himself back to the present. Jasper wanted to know why their song existed. That was an answer he would never have words for: Jasper was his muse, the reason he could compose something so complex and... perfectly them.

So Edward opted for the simple answer. "I... For your birthday that year, I wrote a song for you. A song I played, I mean. And you said, 'wouldn't it be something if our song was something you composed?'" Edward smiled to himself, looking down at his hands. "So I wrote us one."

There was a moment of silence. Edward looked up to find Jasper blinking at him, a little shocked. "You wrote me a song?" he asked.

Edward nodded slowly, a little bemused at Jasper's obvious awe.

Jasper opened his mouth, closed it, and then opened it again before he spoke. "Will you play it for me?"

Instantly, Edward felt defensive. For some reason, he was oddly possessive of that song. Irrationally, it almost felt as though he would be betraying his lover to play it for this new Jasper. The man in front of him was not his lover. Edward and this new Jasper were friends, occasionally something that bordered on a more that had no clear definition. The song was meant to be heard by his lover only, an intimate expression of the love they shared: all the words Edward could never find to explain how and why he loved Jasper poured into notes and chords.

But it was a gift given unconditionally. It belonged to Jasper in any form.

So Edward took the guitar. He faced Jasper, but he closed his eyes.

And he played.

It was bittersweet. On the one hand, as he played, Edward disappeared into each note he struck, the depth of his emotion for the other man resonating with each strum. It was sweet because he realized he was still in love with Jasper. Yes, he was changed, but the music, what he was communicating through sound, was still true. He was still head over heels for the man by his side.

And with that came the bitterness. It was so difficult to feel this and still have no indication of what Jasper was thinking, feeling.

He brought the song to its end, still not opening his eyes. For long moments, he just breathed, reeling, trying to swallow down his ache.

The only sound in the room was their breathing, and Jasper's was... shaky.

The bed creaked, and Edward felt the heat of Jasper's body close to his. He stayed still, not wanting to move. He knew what he wanted, but how could he hope-

Jasper's lips on his stopped his every thought.

Edward still couldn't bring himself to move, to believe this was happening, but Jasper's kiss lingered. After a moment, Edward couldn't help but respond.

Their kisses were soft, sweet... tentative, and with each one, Edward felt the grip around his heart loosen, felt a modicrum of the weight that had weighed his shoulders down these months lessen.

He opened his eyes to see Jasper staring. He seemed a little dazed but relatively calm. He swallowed hard and licked his lips. "Thank you," he murmured simply.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you to jfka06, barburella, and jessypt!
> 
> Weeeelllll. Progress, yes?


	12. Leading With The Wrong Foot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Just a quick reminder that all of you make my day.

Edward hummed to himself, feeling happier than he had in a long while. Definitely more hopeful.

It had been five days since Jasper had kissed him of his own volition. And while there had been other things to deal with, there had also been more kisses. Tentative kisses. Innocent kisses.

Fucking amazing kisses.

Edward could tell Jasper was a little out of his depth, but he wasn't running, and the fact that he was initiating many of those kisses...

Well, Edward was happy.

So he was cooking all Jasper's favorite breakfast things: bacon, french toast, regular toast, and bacon.

Chuckling to himself - Jasper's breakfast habits had long amused him - Edward took the bacon out of the oven. Instantly, the distinct smell of baked bacon filled the kitchen. There was enough bacon to sate both their appetites.

Edward turned - and nearly dropped the baking tray when he saw Jasper leaning hard on the door jamb. He was bone pale, staring forward sightless.

Quickly, Edward put the bacon on the stove, turning back toward the other man with concern. "Jasper? Ba-" Edward swallowed the endearment down. "Are you okay?"

Jasper didn't answer. He continued to stare straight forward seeing nothing. His nostrils flared. His knuckles were white as he gripped the door jamb.

Edward called his name again, stepping toward him carefully, unsure what was going on. "Honey, you're really scaring me. Please tell me what's wrong?" His heart was pounding hard against his chest, feeling like he was caught up in some emergency though he couldn't put his finger on why. He felt desperate, out of his depth. His eyes swept the other man's form, but though his features were taut he didn't seem to be in pain. Edward's own body was poised. He wanted to do something but was at a loss for what.

Jasper was breathing raggedly. He closed his eyes tight.

Calling his name again, Edward reached out to touch Jasper's cheek.

That got a reaction. Jasper batted his hand way - rather hard, actually - snarling, "Don't touch me!" under his breath.

Edward held his hands up in a placating gesture, trying to ignore his hurt over Jasper's words and actions. "I'm away. Just please tell me what's going on. Please?"

When Jasper opened his eyes, and Edward gasped, seeing something raw - confused, pained, but also...

Jasper lurched forward, flying at Edward. They both stumbled, Edward catching himself with his hands and back against the counter. Before he could react, Jasper's lips were on him - hard, demanding, fervent. Edward held on to the counter for dear life as Jasper leaned up against him, his kisses not relenting.

Just as suddenly as it began, it was over. Jasper sucked in a sharp breath, breaking their kiss. He had both his hands braced on the cabinets above Edward and hung his head, dragging in air like it was going to run out any minute. Actually, they were both out of breath. Edward's head was spinning. He had no idea what the hell had just happened.

"I'm sorry," Jasper rasped. "I didn't..."

The last thing Edward wanted to do was move from where he was. The counter was digging hard into his back, painfully hard, but it didn't matter because Jasper was surrounding him. Edward itched to wrap his arms around him again, pull him closer.

But he couldn't.

So he slipped out from under Jasper's arms, distracting himself with the task of putting bread in the toaster. "I, um... breakfast. I made breakfast."

The silence between them was heavy and awkward. Taking a deep breath, Jasper pushed off the cabinets, limping over to the breakfast table. He sat heavily, leaning forward with his head in his hands.

Still worried, unsure of what was going on, Edward set Jasper's plate in front of him. He sat slowly, waiting for the other man to raise his head. He didn't.

He did reach out, his hand trembling as he lifted a piece of bacon. He studied it as though it held the answer to all his confusion.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Edward asked, his voice much calmer than he actually felt.

"Uh..." Jasper ran his hands through his hair nervously. "I'm not sure I really know." There were a handful of breaths before he spoke again. "It was the smell. I wasn't thinking anything, and then when I smelled the bacon... I think. I mean, maybe you can tell me, but I think it was a memory."

Edward's breath caught. He swallowed several times before he trusted himself to speak. "What did you remember?" he asked quietly.

"It was so strong," Jasper murmured, breaking the bacon into several pieces. "It didn't feel like a normal memory. It was everything - the smell, images, sounds..." He looked up, his eyes furtive. "The emotion."

Again, Edward swallowed hard before he asked again. "What did you remember?"

Jasper turned his attention to cutting his french toast into small pieces. "We...You were making bacon." His eyes closed. "I came up behind you..."

Then Edward closed his eyes.

_Jasper's kisses started off slow. Edward was cooking, but he tilted his head to the side, letting his lover lick and nip at his skin._

_asper took the pan from his hand and moved it off the flame. He moved his hands to Edward's waist and spun him around, kissing him deep, hard._

_One thing led to another, and soon Edward found himself bent over the kitchen table with Jasper buried deep inside him, his teeth scraping the skin of his neck, their hands grasped above Edward's head._

_It was hard, and rough, and completely passionate._

Edward shook his head hard, missing the man right in front of him horribly.

Jasper was watching him.

"It happened, didn't it?" he asked, his voice sounding raw.

"Yes." Edward spread butter and honey on his toast more to have something to do than for any plan of actually eating it. "More than once, actually."

Jasper nodded slowly. The air around them was alive - heavy. Edward wasn't sure what he was supposed to do here, whether it was okay to touch the other man like he wanted to.

He really wanted to ask about the things Jasper felt with the memory.

"These are all my favorite things," Jasper murmured, looking down at breakfast.

"Yeah," Edward rubbed the back of his neck. "I know."

Jasper snorted, the corners of his mouth tugging up. "Of course you know," he said wryly.

Edward smiled.

The atmosphere lightened considerably.

"It's good." Jasper looked up at him, that smile Edward had always found so alluring growing wider. "Thank you."

Feeling shy and smug, Edward looked down at his plate. "No problem."

_**~0~** _

"Jasper, don't you think this was a sign? If you've forgotten about your... time with Edward, maybe it's best to leave well enough alone."

Closing his eyes, Jasper counted to ten before he tried to answer his mother. "Your suggestion is for me to just ignore Edward and pretend the last seven years never happened?" he asked calmly.

"Not everything, of course. But maybe you could give it another go with Alice. There must be a reason she hasn't moved on since you. Maybe you owe it to your daughter, don't you think?"

Jasper clenched his jaw. "You know, Edward has helped raise my daughter since she was a baby. She calls him Daddy."

"Well, all the more reason to set her straight now. It's not right, Jasper. It's not normal. You are going to confuse the hell out of that poor little girl with this having two daddies nonsense," Maria groused. "You are her father. Alice is her mother. It's the way of the world. It's natural."

"Alice has a boyfriend," Jasper snapped. "And you of all people should be appreciative of Edward. All he's done for months now is take care of me. You, on the other hand, my mother, haven't even managed to call to see how I'm doing. By the way, of the two of us, Bella is not confused. I am, but she's a very happy, very loved little girl. I don't think there's anything unnatural about that."

He hung up the phone before his mother could answer and growled, wanting badly to punch something.

"They're pretty terrible, aren't they?"

Looking up, Jasper found Lucy, her arms wrapped around her middle, looking at him with a sympathetic expression. She came to sit next to him and rested her head on his shoulder. "They love you, Jasper. They love us both. They just don't understand."

Jasper chuffed and sighed, resting her head on hers. "I don't understand," he grumbled. "But you know, I see it. I see it everywhere. I had a good life with Edward. I was really, impressively happy. Shouldn't she want me to find that again instead of thinking I should look for it with Alice when she knows for a fact that didn't work out? I look at Bella, and that's all I want for her - for her to feel happy, fulfilled, and loved. If Mom had her way, I would shut Edward out of not only my life but hers too. And that's supposed to be right? Natural?"

He paused, chewing on his bottom lip. "You know, it hits me sometimes. If this had gone another way, if Alice wasn't who she is, Edward could have lost everything. Everything."

"And if you weren't who you are. You made that choice, too - not to take Bella away, not to run from him," Lucy pointed out. "I know this hasn't been easy for you, Jazz. You have a lot to sort out, but you're not running away from something that's... pretty damn scary."

Before Jasper could respond, they heard the sound of the key turning in the door. Edward appeared a moment later, setting down his laptop bag. He looked over at them, taking in the mood of the room with some concern. "Everything okay?" he asked quietly.

Jasper gave him a small smile. "I talked to my mother today," he explained.

Something hard and furious flashed through Edward's eyes before he tempered his reaction. "Are you all right?"

Not really knowing what he felt, Jasper just shrugged.

Edward studied him a moment, but nodded. "Are you still up to dinner with my parents?"

"Oh, yeah. I almost forgot about that." Jasper ran his hand through his hair, rubbing the back of his neck.

"You don't have to-"

"No, it's fine." He took Lucy's proffered hand, leaning on her to get up off the couch.

"Invitation still stands, Lucy. You're more than welcome to come, too," Edward invited.

Lucy grinned. "Got plans. You two have fun."

_**~0~** _

After dinner, Edward and Jasper made their way to the car slowly, still mid-conversation with the elder Cullens. Though he was walking better, Jasper took Esme's arms when she offered it, leaning on her as they made their way outside.

"I think being a police officer, even if you're working at a desk, is a very important job," Esme was saying, continuing their conversation from earlier. "There's no shame in that at all. Everyone has to do their part." She patted his hand. "But, I do understand the frustration. It won't be an easy thing to watch the others go out into the field when you can't."

Her expression was kind and contemplative. "Jasper, you're a very smart young man. I know, I know... I'm the biased mother here, but this is true, so don't laugh," she warned. "You can do anything you set your mind to. The sky's the limit, so don't feel like you have to settle. Take all the time you need to decide what you want to do with your life. After all, if you're going to be somewhere for forty hours a week or, you know, however long it ends up being, you should at least choose something that won't make you miserable."

Before they left, Esme kissed his cheek and Carlisle gave him a tight hug, treating him no different than they treated their own son.

On the drive back, Jasper turned Esme's words over in his head, dwelling not so much on her advice but on one sentence in particular.

'I'm the biased mother here.'

It was so obvious how absolutely genuine Esme and Carlisle were. They loved Jasper. Even though they didn't push him, even though they had to know how much this situation was hurting Edward, they were compassionate, patient, and endlessly loving toward Jasper.

There was no denying he was a part of this odd family, and there was no doubt in his mind that even if he should ultimately walk away from Edward, they would still accept him.

It was so much more than he could say about his own parents. His parents had nothing to lose and everything to gain. They could be a part of his life if they chose to be. They could see more of their granddaughter. At the very least, they could be supportive of their own flesh and blood, considering what he needed rather than what they wanted for him.

Out of the corner of his eye, Jasper saw Edward glance at him. His lips were pressed thin, but he didn't push. He was really so good at reading Jasper, knowing when it was okay to probe.

Jasper felt a rush of affection for the other man. Like his parents, he was so compassionate and endlessly patient. Edward could never quite hide his quiet misery over what he'd lost, as much as he tried, just like he could never hide his complete love and adoration. It could be overwhelming for Jasper - Edward was so in love when what Jasper felt was a paradox of emotions he hadn't untangled yet - but he was good at concentrating on what was more important.

Tentatively, not sure at all of his actions, Jasper reached out, putting his hand lightly over Edward's on the shifter.

He saw Edward suck in a deep breath, saw his small smile. But Edward didn't comment. He simply flipped his hand, threading their fingers together lightly.

These little physical signs of affection were getting a lot less awkward for Jasper. He liked kissing Edward. A lot, actually.

A couple of mornings previous, when he'd limped into the kitchen only to find it permeated with the wonderful smell of bacon, that vision, that memory had hit him so strong he couldn't even move. But it wasn't just the physical - though the memories of what he'd done with Edward,  _to_ Edward, had sent intense shivers down his spine. He also remembered the emotions.

The images were connected to an emotion so strong, just the memory had bowled him over.

The tenderness he felt for the other man as he wrapped his arms around him.

The passion when their kisses turned heated, fervent.

The love was unmistakable, and for moments it was all Jasper knew. That was why he attacked Edward the way he had. He didn't know how to deal with the strength of the emotion he felt; he'd had no choice but to act out physically. The energy in his blood demanded to be spent.

But as the shock left his system, as the memory faded, there came that constant knowledge that he had no idea what he was doing. This was all so new to him. If Edward had been Alice in that moment, he might have lifted him up onto the counter... things might have gone further in an instant. But he couldn't manhandle Edward the way he could Alice. There was a difference between men and women, a difference that hadn't been an issue to the Jasper in his vision but was glaringly obvious to the person he was at that very moment.

The hang up frustrated Jasper to no end. Because why wouldn't he want what he had? He saw all the pictures, saw how Edward doted on him, adored him. It was an enviable life he'd accidentally given up when he took a nose dive off a cliff, but he could have it again if only...

If only he could get past this hang up that Edward was a man. It was such a stupid thing to be stuck on, really.

Still deep in thought, Jasper let Edward help him out of the car and walked arm in arm with him into the house. He was curious, Jasper could tell, but he didn't ask.

"Come here," Jasper murmured when Edward made a move to leave him at his room. He tugged on Edward's hand, pulling him down next to him on the bed.

For a minute, they sat in silence, Edward just waiting, Jasper just trying to swallow down his nerves.

There shouldn't be a difference. Humans were physical beings. There should be no difference in his wanting to express himself physically,  _sexually_ , with a man.

And this was Edward. If things needed to stop... Edward would stop. Jasper knew this.

There was not a lot that drove Jasper crazier than being so timid. He was worse than a thirteen year old schoolgirl being kissed for the very first time. That wasn't him.

Lifting his hand, Jasper stroked Edward's cheek with trembling fingers. Reaching around to cup him around his neck, Jasper leaned forward, kissing him softly.

That was okay, but the thought of going further...

Jasper growled, irritated with the way his heart leapt to his throat and his body began to shake. This wasn't how he wanted to be. He just wanted to be past this part.

He didn't want to be the timid virgin anymore.

With a suddenness that knocked them both breathless, Jasper pushed forward. Edward was so startled, his hands fell on either side of his head on the bed. Trying to outrun his nerves - the flight reflex that was making him shake with a cold sweat - Jasper covered the other man's body with his own, pressing into him, kissing hard. Deep.

Beneath him, Edward writhed, his voice coming out in little mewls. He must have gotten over his shock because his hands came up, tangling in Jasper's hair. He began kissing back, his hips bucking up as Jasper pressed him down into the bed.

When they were both panting, Jasper let up, but only enough that he got his hands between them. Again, the difference was noticeable, unnerving in a way - frightening, but not entirely bad; touching Edward was not like touching a woman. The little moans and gasps Jasper elicited from Edward were very masculine. Every time that started to freak him out, Jasper moved his hands, exploring new ground.

"Jasper," Edward groaned. His hands were on Jasper's shoulders, his chest rising and falling sharply because he was so out of breath. "What are you... Fuck!"

Jasper had let his hand snake between Edward's legs and cupped him. God, the heat he radiated, his hardness beneath Jasper's palm, was good. Really good. "Fuck is exactly what I'm getting at, babe." He leaned in, attacking Edward's lips again.

For a second, Edward returned his kisses, raising his leg to wrap around Jasper's, pulling him closer. Then he gave a muffled cry and turned his head to the side. His voice was ragged when he spoke again. "Jasper. Why are you..." He pushed at Jasper's shoulders urgently. "Jasper. Stop.  _Stop_!"

Edward shoved Jasper roughly, enough to slide out from underneath him. He rolled quickly into a sitting position, perching on the side of the bed, trying to catch his breath.

Feeling frustrated, rejected, and foolish, Jasper ran his hand through his hair, scooting backward so he could lean against the headboard. "What the hell is wrong? I thought this was what you wanted."

Edward turned to him, his eyes blazing with a mixture of emotions. He took a deep breath before he spoke. "What do you mean this is what I want?"

"Oh, give me a break. The way you look at me like a dog in heat? Like I'm water in the desert? Like I'm a buffet and you're a starving man? Don't pretend you don't want it." Some part of Jasper knew he was overcompensating. He just felt stupid and like he was about to burst into tears, neither a feeling he particularly enjoyed.

Edward stood, the expression on his face dwindling down to two emotions: anger and hurt. He took several steps backward, his jaw clenched. "Is that what  _you_ want me for right now? Just sex?"

"I don't understand what your problem is. You remember sex with me. I just want to get it over with. If not you, who the hell am I supposed to do this with? What, do you actually want me to call Garrett?"

The other man recoiled as if Jasper had physically struck him, his mouth hanging agape in absolute shock and pain. He pressed his lips into a thin line, looking like he was this close to putting his fist through Jasper's teeth. Instead, he turned around, heading out of the room.

"Fuck," Jasper growled to himself, trying to get out of bed. "Edward!" he called. He went out into the hallway, again calling the other man's name.

"Don't... Don't come up here," Edward called back. "I'll be down in a minute. I just need... Yeah. A minute."

Jasper slumped down on the couch, his emotions vacillating. He was irritated. He was sorry. He knew he'd hurt Edward, but he wasn't entirely sure how. Obviously, the Garrett comment had been uncalled for, but really, was the idea Jasper wanted to have sex with him really that insulting?

It felt an awful lot like Edward was overreacting.

Just when Jasper thought he was going to go out of his skin, Edward came down the stairs. His expression was a lot calmer.

Actually, his expression was unreadable, and that made Jasper's stomach twist with anxiety.

He also had a duffel bag over his shoulder.

"Edward-"

"Let me say this, okay?" He took a deep breath, and Jasper's heart twisted when he realized Edward wasn't looking at him. "I'm going to go stay with my parents. No." Edward held up his hand to stop Jasper's protest.

"You were right about a lot of things," Edward said quietly. It didn't escape Jasper's notice that he stayed in the entranceway, keeping his arms crossed over his chest. "I know it must be confusing to you - having me here when I don't hide what I feel for you.

"I meant what I said before. I do think we're worth fighting for, and I'm not giving up." He looked off, trying and failing to hide a pained expression. "But it's not fair to make me your only option, for you to think you have to choose me because you owe me or because it's easier or... whatever."

"But that's not all there is to it," Jasper protested, frustrated. "I mean... I care about you." He looked down at his hands. "And you're good to me. I know I can trust you. That means a lot in this kind of thing."

"You really don't get it, do you?" Edward's voice was not accusing, but sad. He looked up, and the expression in his eyes was so filled with pain, Jasper gasped. "I can't just have sex with you. It's impossible." Edward spoke slowly so each word sunk in. "I'm in love with you. I can't be with you and not express that. And do you know how it would feel? I would be making love to you, and you would be getting it over with - just sex. Just... something you can share with anyone else." He shook his head. "I can't do it. I wish I could because the thought of you going to someone else..." He closed his eyes tight and blew out a long breath through his nose. "I'm sorry, but I can't. It would hurt too much."

Jasper was still looking down at the floor, not knowing at all how he was supposed to be feeling, when Edward finally crossed the room, going to him. He bent down and kissed Jasper on the forehead, a lingering kiss. "Lucy will be back soon," he said simply. "Tell her she can take the upstairs bedroom if she wants."

Then he was gone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: My docs... there were so many side discussions in my docs. Thank you to barburella, jessypt, jfka06, and naelany for putting up with me and arguing over every little detail... when I need it. I luffs you guyz.
> 
> As for you all...
> 
> Well... don't kill me. Or Jasper. Not conducive to HEAs.


	13. Don't Know What You Got

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: *hugs* for everyone.

Jasper had absolutely no idea what was on the television. He'd been staring at the damn thing for hours - maybe days - but if anyone had asked, he would not have been able to pull even the most basic plotline out of his head.

Or maybe he was watching the news.

Who knew.

He was vaguely aware someone was knocking on the door, but he couldn't bring himself to move. He thought about calling for Lucy but decided he really didn't care. He was spaced out.

"Thank God," he heard Lucy say. "I don't know what the hell to do with him. I'm turning over custody to you."

That got Jasper's attention. He raised his head, sitting up on the couch so he could see who Lucy was talking to. "Emmett?"

"Jesus Christ," Emmett muttered. He looked at Lucy. "You done good, kid. I'll take it from here. You take a break."

"What the hell is going on?" Jasper demanded. They were talking in code, but it was obvious they were talking about him. He wasn't sure he appreciated their tone.

Lucy didn't answer him. Instead, she went over, hugged first him, then Emmett, and left.

"She called you?" Jasper asked, disgruntled. "What the heck for? What's going on?"

"Maybe you want to tell me that." Emmett sat on the opposite end of the couch. "You look like hell, Jasper. I mean seriously. I've seen you bald, bleeding, and unconscious. You looked better then."

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

Emmett gave him a look. Rather than answer, he got up, grabbing Jasper by the arm.

"What are you doing?"

"Come on," Emmett insisted. "Get up." He put his hand under Jasper's elbow, all but hauling him to his feet.

"What the fuck, Emmett?"

"This is an intervention. You need to look at yourself. I'm not going to deal with your denial."

Jasper grumbled but let Emmett drag him into the bathroom. His friend faced him forward, forcing him to look in the mirror.

The reflection startled Jasper. He was haggard. He had a four days growth of beard on his face, a pallid complexion, and greasy, messy hair. He swallowed past the lump in his throat, bowing his head.

"Okay," Emmett said, his voice softer than usual. "Now let's try that question again. You want to tell me what's going on?"

Jasper didn't answer, he didn't know if he could. He was out of sorts.

"Edward left you," Emmett filled in.

"He didn't... leave me. We weren't..."

Emmett nodded. "Uh huh. Hold that thought." He squatted, rummaging through the cabinet. Finding what he was looking for, he set Jasper's shaver on the counter. "You. Shower. You smell. Then use this. Then... we're relocating for this conversation." When Jasper didn't move, he gave him a little shove. "That's an order, soldier."

Jasper rolled his eyes, but he nodded. "Fine."

_**~0~** _

It was a novel situation. Jasper was not unaware of the fact this was the first time - that he could remember anyway - he'd had a legal drink in a bar.

He rolled the beer bottle between both his hands. "I just... I mean, it's much easier to think without him around, without knowing every minute of every day how much I'm hurting him." He sighed. "I hate that I hurt him. What I said... it was really stupid."

"Jasper, you've known me for a long time," Emmett said with a snort. "You know I am the crowned prince of saying stupid things. Everyone does it. Usually the stupid thing is easy to forgive. Heat of the moment and all that. "

He tilted his head, looking at Jasper carefully. "Do you miss him?"

Jasper shrugged. "I guess. I mean why wouldn't I? We spent every day together - or he was around, anyway."

"Jasper. Stop the bullshit," Emmett said again. "Do you miss him? Miss  _him_. Just yes or no."

Jasper opened his mouth only to have Emmett interrupt him again. "Yes or no. Don't think, don't rationalize. Yes or no."

"Yes," Jasper blurted, staring down at the table top. He bit the inside of his cheek. "But that's... stupid. And selfish. I wish he would come back to the house, kick me out. But he won't."

"You're babbling. You realize that, right?" Emmett pointed out.

"This is just a mess," Jasper said, his hand over his eyes. "He was-"

"Jasper," Emmett interrupted, his voice louder. "Right here, right now, I'll tell you this. At the very least... you're in like with him."

Biting the inside of his cheek, Jasper couldn't argue. He sighed. "Well, how could I not be? How could I not be... in like," he said the words scathingly, "with a man who bends over backward to make sure I have everything I need. Through this whole thing, he's never stopped... loving me, even though I gave him no reason to. Especially at first."

Emmett laughed. "Oh, man. You're much more than 'in like' with him," he muttered.

Slumping forward, Jasper buried his head in his arms. He knew it was dramatic, but the last four days had been... worse than he'd expected. "I really, really miss him."

"So what are you going to do about it?"

Jasper lifted his head, raising an eyebrow. "What exactly do you expect me to do?"

Emmett smirked. "I refuse to believe you forgot how to flirt. You're a very charismatic guy. It's just in your nature to be charming."

Sitting back in his chair, Jasper began spinning his bottle round and round. He felt self-conscious about where his thoughts went, but Emmett was a genuine kind of person. He wouldn't judge. "I don't..." He swallowed hard. "I don't know how to be with a... guy." He laughed without humor. "That's what started the whole thing, remember?"

He scrubbed his hand over his eyes. "And I don't know what to do. I am... I didn't know how wrapped up I was in Edward until he left. I don't want to find someone else to..." He looked up at Emmett furtively. "You know... have those... experiences with."

"I get the idea." Emmett looked thoughtful for a moment, cradling his own beer in his hands. "Look, I'm not going to sit here and pretend I know what you're going through. And this is the second time I've seen you do this - I know it's not easy."

"But?"

"But..." He spoke haltingly, obviously choosing his words carefully. "At the risk getting into something that is not my business... I really liked you guys as a couple. I'd never seen you that happy. I think if you have any feelings for him at all, what you can have with Edward is worth fighting for. And if you agree with that even a little bit... you're going to man up and find a way to get past whatever it is you're afraid of."

"Wow. That's blunt." Jasper was more amused than anything.

"Just remember Peter." Emmett's voice was uncharacteristically gentle. "He ran out of time to have the courage to do something. Don't let it happen to you."

_**~0~** _

Another day went by as Jasper tried to figure out just what he was supposed to do to fix the mess he found himself in. He was alone in the house when he heard a key turn in the lock. Knowing Lucy wasn't due home, he hobbled as quickly as his legs could carry him to the entryway, hoping it was Edward coming home.

It wasn't. It was Esme who poked her head in the door.

"Oh, Jasper." She put her hand to her heart, obviously startled to find him so close. "I would have knocked, but I didn't want you to have to come get the door."

Trying not to let his disappointment show, Jasper smiled at her. "It's no problem. Really. My legs don't hurt as much, they just don't work very well." He very suddenly realized he was talking to Edward's mother. Edward who had fled from his own house to hers in the middle of the night - very likely upset.

If she didn't know the details, at the very least she knew Jasper was the man who'd hurt her son. A lot.

"Um. Can I... Can I get you anything?" he offered lamely, feeling abashed and somewhat awkward.

"Oh, sweetheart. No, I'm fine." Her smile was soft, tender, as she stepped closer to him, looping her arm through his. "I just had to come to see you."

"You did?"

"Of course. Both of my boys are hurting. I'm only sorry I couldn't get away sooner." With her free hand, she cupped his cheek gently.

The motion was so very motherly, it made Jasper feel a little choked up. He cleared his throat, looking away.

"How are you, Jasper? Really?" She made a little face. "Actually, hold that thought. Come here. Come to the kitchen. We'll sit down over a proper cup of tea."

Jasper had to laugh. "Tea?"

"Oh, yes. Always tea." She grinned at him as they started to walk down the hallway. "Oh, I get to tell you this story all over again. You know, Carlisle was born in England."

"Was he?"

"Mmmhmm. For every crisis the Cullen family faces, there is tea."

"I don't even know if we have tea," Jasper muttered, trying to think if he'd ever seen it.

"You do. Trust me. Edward is a Cullen, after all."

She pushed Jasper down into one of the chairs at the kitchen table and set about getting what she needed. Sure enough, Edward had tea.

He watched her for minutes before he found the courage to talk. "How is..." Jasper swallowed hard. This was remarkably difficult to discuss with Esme. "How's Edward?"

Esme was quiet for a beat too long for Jasper to think the answer was good. When she turned away from the stove, her smile was a bit forced. "We don't have to talk about Edward, I'm-"

"Please tell me." Jasper's voice was scarcely above a whisper.

Slowly, Esme sat, putting a cup of tea in front of Jasper and cradling hers in her hands. "He's... been better," she admitted. "The last few days have not been easy for him. Of course it's not easy. He's heartbroken and scared."

Jasper felt like he couldn't breathe. He pulled his hands away from the warmth of his cup, feeling like he didn't even deserve that comfort. "Then explain this to me. Your son is hurting because of me, and you're being so nice about it."

"Oh, Jasper." Esme reached out, putting her hand over his. "This isn't your fault. None of us blame you - not even Edward."

Jasper scoffed. "He must not have told you what I did."

"He did, actually." Esme tilted her head and squeezed his hand. "What happened between you was partially his fault. Hell, it was partially my fault."

That got Jasper's attention. "Your fault?" he asked incredulously.

"Back when this all began, I encouraged him to fight for you. That wasn't fair. It was very selfish. It was what I wanted - for our family to remain intact, for Edward not to lose you. I thought I wanted it because it was what was best for you." Her smile was small and sad. "You were happy with all of us once, after all.

"But what I realized, what Edward has realized - and if I'm being honest, what Carlisle has been trying to get us both to understand all along - is that you need room to breathe." She squeezed his hand one more time before pulling back. "We can't _tell_ you who you are and expect you to be satisfied with that."

She took a long sip, her expression tight but her smile genuine when she put her cup back down. "One way or another, I wanted you to know... I will always think of you as my son. However you came to us, you're my granddaughter's father and a good man who has been put in a very trying situation."

Unconditional love and support.

Well, there was no doubt that Edward's compassion and generosity was a learned behavior.

"He's really not mad at me, Esme?" he asked quietly. As tangled up as he was, it was difficult to hope things weren't as bad as they felt.

And he'd been thinking about Emmett's words from a couple days previous. A lot.

She eyed him. "No. Why? What are you thinking?"

Jasper's heart sped. He debated for a long moment before he decided getting Edward's mother on board as an ally was probably a good idea. "Because I want him back," he finally admitted.

With a fantastically delighted squeal of happiness, Esme pumped both fists in the air. Jasper had to laugh, and she gave him a sheepish smile. "Sorry." She made an effort to put a more serious face on. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder?" she guessed.

"I don't think I knew what I had until I lost it."

Esme studied him for another moment. "Do you love him?"

Jasper wanted, he  _really_ wanted, to say yes. He knew it was what she wanted to hear. But he knew better than to lie. "I don't know," he said truthfully.

"Okay," Esme said, nodding resolutely. "I'll help you."

_**~0~** _

In retrospect, Edward should have known something was going on.

His parents were pushier than usual about dragging him out of the house. He knew he was in trouble when his father started laying the guilt on thick. Carlisle told him how worried he was, how much it pained him to watch Edward mope.

So he'd agreed to go out. They were only going to one store to get a couple of items.

One store had turned into three. Edward followed his parents around listlessly, figuring it was no skin off his back. He preferred wallowing in the comforts of his own - well, his parents' - home but if it soothed them to have their grown, pouting son following them around, so be it.

They talked about going to a fourth store. Before Edward could complain, Carlisle quickly interjected that they would drop him off back home.

Part of Edward was sorry he was being so petulant, but mostly he couldn't bring himself to care.

He trudged up the steps of his parents' house without turning to wave at them.

He felt like an old, stooped man.

Before he could get his key in the lock, the door came open. Edward had to blink a few times, sure he was seeing things. No. Sure enough, Jasper was right in front of him.

And he was wearing a vest.

Edward had a soft spot for Jasper in a vest. It did pleasant things to his body.

Once he got past his stuttering surprise, Edward let Jasper lead him to the dining room. The table was set with his parents' best silver and their fanciest plates. A small feast awaited them: all Edward's favorite things including his favorite wine.

He remembered Bella whispering to Jasper some weeks before, telling him how he used to apologize.

"Okay." Edward sat down slowly across from Jasper, his stomach doing uncomfortable flip flops. "I know what you're doing, I just don't really understand why you're doing it. There's nothing you need to apologize for."

Jasper took a long drink of his wine before he tried to speak. "There's a lot I have to apologize for, not the least of which are the things I said to you."

Edward shook his head, but Jasper wouldn't let him speak.

"No. Look, I get it. You and I... I don't think either of us approached this whole situation in the best way. But let me take responsibility for my share of the mess." His expression was sincere as he leaned across the table. "I got all caught up in my own drama, but that's no excuse for being so selfish. I was only thinking of me that day, of what I needed, and that wasn't fair. So I'm sorry."

"I appreciate that," Edward said softly. "You didn't need to go through all this trouble, though."

At first, Edward thought he must be imagining it, but no. Jasper got a little pale, and Edward could tell he was gnawing on the inside of his cheek.

But he took a deep breath and looked up at Edward, his smile spreading slowly - alluring, seductive.

Edward's breath caught in his throat.

"Well," Jasper began, his tone deep. "To tell you the truth, I want much more than to just apologize."

Despite himself, Edward's heart began to speed. He wanted to close his eyes because it took so little to raise his hopes. The wound Jasper had left - the realization that Edward might have to sincerely consider he was never going to get his lover back - began to fill again, aching to be whole, mended.

He cleared his throat before he tried to speak, reminding himself to be logical, to keep his feet on the ground this time. "What else do you want?" He was proud that his voice didn't waver, didn't betray his nerves or the hope he didn't want to acknowledge.

Jasper took another breath. "Let me cut to the chase then." He was worrying his napkin between his fingers - another show of how nervous he was. "I want to... try again."

Edward's heart plummeted and soared at the same time, the emotion making his stomach twist. "Jasper," he said with a sigh, already shaking his head.

"No, hear me out," the blond man said, speaking quickly now, losing the hint of suaveness he'd started out with. "It's not as though we were incompatible, you know? Yeah, maybe we both made mistakes - I know I did - but we had a good thing going for a while... getting to know each other, taking it slow."

How much Edward wanted to agree. He looked down at the table, closing his eyes tight, remembering how much the last week had just...  _hurt_.

He had to be honest.

"I just don't know if I could do that again. I'm not going to say it wasn't nice." He chanced a glance up and smiled, remembering the sweet kisses. "It was very nice. But... These last few days I've had a lot of time to think. I don't see how this is supposed to work."

"What exactly are you talking about?" Jasper asked slowly, his tone not betraying any emotion.

Again, Edward couldn't look at him. It was difficult to say these next words out loud. It felt like admitting defeat. "I'll always be more into you than you are with me," he said finally, unable to keep the misery out of his tone.

Jasper stood up, leaning on the table, and made his way over to Edward. He sat in the chair beside Edward, facing him. Edward wouldn't look at him. He had the most awful feeling that he would start to cry if he had to look up, and that was the last thing he wanted to do.

"I don't think that will always be true," Jasper murmured, his voice close. Edward shivered because it felt intimate, like when they laid in bed at night, whispering to each other. His body jolted when he felt Jasper's hand on his cheek. "The truth is... I'm falling for you, Edward."

Edward's head snapped up. He found Jasper's eyes on him, and knew from his expression that he meant those words. This wasn't a game. This was Jasper, his emotions raw and plainly readable.

"I'm sorry," Jasper said. "I'm so sorry it took me so long to really see what was happening. I'm sorry it took you leaving for me to realize it."

Edward couldn't say anything. His tongue was tied. He was knocked breathless. In an instant, the hope that he'd spent these last week trying to tame and lock up where it might not get out to hurt him again came bounding forward, loose and free and completely out of his control.

Holding his gaze until the very last possible moment, Jasper leaned in slowly, giving Edward the chance to protest. He kissed him very softly - the whisper of a breeze gently rustling a leaf. "I want you to come home," Jasper rumbled, his mouth so close to Edward's that the words vibrated against his lips. He kissed him again, more firmly this time. "Please come home." He pressed a kiss above Edward's mouth, below his nose. "I'm not going to promise you it will be perfect." He shook his head slightly, his lips brushing Edward's chin. "There are so many things I still don't know about myself and what I want. But I'll tell you something I've learned this past week. " He brought his other hand up so he cradled Edward's face. Slowly, Edward opened his eyes, and only then did Jasper speak again. "I've seen what my life is without you, and I know for sure I don't want that."

"Please," Jasper said, and kissed Edward's nose. "Please," he said again, kissing each of his cheeks. "Please come home." He kissed his lips and waited, lingering.

With a shuddering sigh, Edward gave in, melting forward into the kiss. He wrapped his arms around Jasper's neck.

He'd never stood a chance. He was Jasper's: heart, body, and soul. There was not a damn thing he could do to protect himself from it, and right then, Edward couldn't have cared less.

"Yes," he rumbled against Jasper's lips. "I'll come home."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Aieee! Edward's coming home.
> 
> How are we doing out there?


	14. High Moments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This is a shout out to Packy who recorded the scene between Jasper and Edward at the end of the last chapter. GAH. That gives me so many feels!

Jasper was ecstatic when he found out there had been not one but three Transformers movies in his "absence".

"You don't understand," Jasper pleaded when Edward made a face. "I wasn't one of those kids who got up at the buttcrack of dawn. The only thing I ever got up for was Transformers and GI Joes cartoons on Saturday."

Edward groaned, making a mental note to keep the existence of the GI Joes movie from him. "You're going to regret it," he warned. "You did the first time."

"How bad could it possibly be? Even if it's horrible, if it's got a good robot fight, I'll be happy."

"That's the problem. How Michael Bay screwed up robot fights, I will never understand, but it happened."

"You're just a movie snob."

Edward rolled his eyes. "Have it your own way. You're going to want those two hours of your life back. Again. If there was one good thing to come out of this whole mess it was to forget this movie... and maybe  _Avatar_."

They curled up on the couch, and Edward contented himself with ignoring the horrible example of cinema in favor of watching Jasper.

It had been a good week.

Their relationship was a lot more even now. Jasper was still struggling to find his place, but he seemed sanguine with his decision to keep Edward close. Jasper was definitely more aware and considerate of Edward's feelings.

They were working around both their needs now. It wasn't easy. Jasper had lost much of his inhibition, and while it was nice, it was also very difficult not to take it too far. Edward's body was still used to a more aggressive, forward relationship. With Jasper acting more confident, it was too easy to forget this was all new to him.

They were both trying hard to do the right thing.

But not everything was a challenge. As they settled in to watch the movie, Jasper didn't hesitate. In the past, they would have curled up with Edward's head on his lap. Now, they'd apparently switched - not that Edward minded.

Throughout the movie, Jasper kept his hand on Edward's knee, his fingers occasionally pressing down like he was absently tapping out a little tune.

Because he was curious and because he just couldn't help it, Edward began running his fingers through Jasper's hair. It was growing back, and the blond man seemed content to keep it long. Edward was pleased. He liked Jasper's hair a little long.

When Jasper didn't protest, Edward let his questing fingers wander, tracing first his hairline and then his jaw.

"This movie is really terrible," Jasper muttered, sighing. He turned his head so he was first looking straight up at the ceiling, but then he closed his eyes.

"I won't say I told you so," Edward teased gently. He traced the pad of his thumb over Jasper's strong chin.

Jasper hummed his acknowledgment. "Did we see that one together?" he murmured.

"Mmm no," Edward said slowly. "We already knew each other, but we saw that one separately. And even though we both thought it was horrible, you made me see the second one."

Opening one eye, Jasper looked up at him. "So you're telling me that Michael Bay didn't right the grievous wrong he's done the Autobots, eh?"

Grinning, Edward shook his head, still caressing the lines of Jasper's face. "The second one is worse."

Grumbling, Jasper shut his eyes again. "They usually are."

"Well, if it's any consolation, you did learn. We never saw the third one."

Jasper was quiet. He opened his eyes slowly. "Doesn't it bother you?" he asked, his tone completely changed from what it had been just a minute before.

Edward furrowed his eyebrows. "What? That you made me see the sequel? Well, a little bit, but-"

"Not that," he grumbled, rolling his eyes. His eyes were oddly uncertain, self-conscious, as he focused on Edward. "The scars. Doesn't it bother you to see me like this?"

It was only then that Edward realized he was running the pad of his finger along each of Jasper's scars - the gash across his chin, the thick, red line that ran from just above his ear right down to his cheek.

"I... hate your pain," Edward said sincerely. "I hate seeing you struggle with your leg." He drew the back of his hand down Jasper's cheek. "I'd do anything if it meant you wouldn't have to suffer."

Jasper's lips pursed in a small smile.

"But," Edward continued. "As for these..." He reached for Jasper's hand, flipping his arm over to trace the smattering of scars there. "As with everything on you, Jasper, they only make you look sexier."

The other man's lips quirked, the uncertainty draining from his features, replaced by an easy smile. Enthralled, Edward brushed his finger over Jasper's lightly pouted lips.

The air around them changed, warmed, thickened. It was downright balmy, like it was mid-summer in Florida rather than late fall in Washington. Edward's hand hovered above Jasper's face.

For long moments, they stared at each other. Jasper reached up, cupping Edward's cheek and slowly stroking down. Edward tilted his head into the other man's hand.

He loved these moments the most - when Jasper looked at him just like this. Maybe there wasn't the same depth to the emotion, but there was adoration there.

And attraction.

Edward bent down at the same time Jasper raised his head. They kissed. Jasper sat up, scooting back as he did, winding his hands around Edward's neck.

Jasper's hands in his hair; their lips moving together, slow at first, then more fervent; being able to wind his arms around this man, holding him up - Edward felt more alive than he had in these last few months combined.

He wished he could stretch this moment on forever or at least for a few hours.

Stifling a groan, Jasper pulled back slightly, bowing his head and wincing.

Edward frowned and rubbed Jasper's back, knowing his body still wasn't cooperating with him. "Sit straight," he encouraged, kissing his cheek gently.

Grumbling, Jasper sat with his back against the couch. To Edward's surprise and pleasure, Jasper put his arm back around his shoulder, pulling him closer. Hand to his cheek, Jasper turned Edward's face toward him, resuming their makeout session.

Edward relaxed into the kisses, his fingers tangling into Jasper's hair, his fingertips finding the raised scar the blond locks typically hid.

This scar... this one tried to take his lover, his husband away from him. But slowly, so slowly, he was coming back.

As they kissed, Jasper's hand drifted, starting at Edward's neck and then coming down to splay over his chest. Then lower, brushing his stomach.

And then, Jasper rested his hand lightly on Edward's pants.

Edward's breath caught, and he broke their kiss with a small cry at the back of his throat. He squeezed his eyes shut, his head spinning as he tried to remember what he was supposed to want.

When he opened his eyes, he found Jasper's gaze on him. Edward bit back a groan as he watched him lick his swollen lips.

"Edward?" Jasper's voice was a low, throaty rumble. "I want..." He swallowed and licked his lips again. "Will you let me touch you?"

At first, Edward was sure he'd heard wrong. Then his brain threatened to explode, wanting nothing more than to scream, "yes," but also utterly terrified at the same time.

But the look in Jasper's eyes... It was want,  _need_. He was pleading. The air between them was still super-heated and electric.

Edward jerked his head in a quick nod.

That was all it took.

Jasper surged forward, attacking Edward's lips vigorously again, his kisses passionate. Edward gasped, the noise muffled against Jasper's mouth. Jasper didn't waste any time. Rather than start slowly, as Edward might have expected, Jasper went straight for the gold, so to speak. He was unbuttoning and unzipping before Edward could process what was going on.

When Jasper's hand was cupped over him, fully on him inside his boxers, they both stopped.

Jasper leaned his head against Edward's. They were both panting. Edward had one hand at the back of his neck, and he waited.

Slower now, Jasper tilted his head again, kissing Edward sweeter now. As his tongue came out, sweeping over Edward's lip, he began to move his hand.

His grip was firm but his movements were hesitant, achingly slow.

Catching his breath again, Edward opened his mouth, letting his tongue meet his lover's. He raised his hips to encourage Jasper's hand, whimpering into his mouth.

They shifted and moved together, Edward letting Jasper slide his pants down enough that he could get a better grip. The hand he had around Edward's shoulders was brushing against his cheek. It was tenderness and, oh dear God, sexiness wrapped up in the same moment.

And it had been so long since he'd had this, since they'd done this.

With a gasp, Edward broke their kiss. "Jasper," he groaned. He pressed his lips together, trying not to get caught up in the physical pleasure and the emotional connection. "I'm not... going to... Jesus. Fuck."

"Let go, baby." Jasper's voice was raw, husky. "Please." Jasper pressed his lips to Edward's throat. "I want to see you."

Edward groaned. That had to be the most erotic thing he'd ever heard in his life... though he was struggling to remember further back than a few seconds. His breath was hitched, his pleasure coiling tight.

But Jasper's rhythm, his grip, was much more confident.

"You gonna come for me? Hmm?" Jasper's lips were against his ear.

Edward could only nod as his body seized and he orgasmed, coming in Jasper's hand.

As he caught his breath, he leaned his head on Jasper's shoulder, breathing in his scent. It took him a few moments to gather his wits. "I...um." he cleared his throat. "I should get you something to clean up." He tried to stand, but Jasper grabbed him by the back of his shirt, tugging him back down.

"Don't leave yet."

"Your hand is sticky," Edward said with a smirk, pleased that Jasper didn't appear to be freaking out.

"Hmm," Jasper hummed. An indecisive look flitted across his face before he pulled away long enough to tug his shirt over his head. He ignored Edward's wide-eyed expression as he wiped himself clean.

Snapping out of it, Edward took the chance to pull his pants up.

Jasper pulled him closer and kissed his cheek. "So... what else about my childhood has been destroyed?"

Edward grinned. "You don't want to know what Jason Lee has done to  _Alvin and the Chipmunks_."

_**~0~** _

"At what point do you tell me where we're going?"

"It's not that far of a drive. Settle down, cranky-pants."

"Cranky-pants," Jasper repeated scathingly, hunkering down in his seat.

It hadn't been the best couple of days for him. Several days previous, the doctors had told him the damage to his legs was likely permanent. Now he was facing too many decisions he didn't know how to make. All he remembered was wanting to go into the army and then studying, intent on becoming a cop. Both were physical duties.

He didn't know what he wanted to do when he grew up, and with every other uncertainty, he hated that he had to rebuild his life so completely. There was nothing - nothing - the way he remembered it.

And yes, some things were getting better. He loved being a father. His relationship with Edward was definitely a highlight. But there were bad days.

"Just relax," Emmett said. "You're kidnapped, so you might as well enjoy it."

Rolling his eyes, Jasper rested his forehead against the cold glass window. He watched the city fade away, curious about why they were headed up toward the mountains.

"What the hell is this?" Jasper asked as they pulled into a parking area. He read the sign. "Seattle Paragliding? Emmett."

Emmett held up his hands. "Don't say no yet."

"What the hell are you getting at? I can't do this."

"You can do this. I checked. Just listen."

Jasper glared and crossed his arms, but he stayed silent.

Emmett narrowed his eyes, but when he saw Jasper was really listening, he continued. "I've signed us up for tandem paragliding. I already checked. The instructor will take all the pressure of the landing, and your legs work well enough for the take off."

"What is it you're trying to do here?" Jasper asked after a moment.

His friend opened his mouth, closed it again looking as though he'd bitten into a lemon, and then tried again. "I..." He huffed. "I'm not a doctor, or a psychologist, or... nearly as in tune to what you need as Edward is... but the whole adrenaline thing? This is a huge part of who you are."

"Who I was," Jasper corrected.

"Either way you look at it, it was something you enjoyed at one point. Even if it doesn't help you remember, I think it's safe to say you'd probably enjoy it again. It couldn't hurt."

"It couldn't hurt?" Jasper glared at his friend. "I don't know if you noticed, but it was that adrenaline habit that got me into this mess in the first place."

"We were hiking. It wasn't even one of the more dangerous things we've done. It was a well marked, well traveled trail." Emmett shook his head. "Jasper, it was a fluke. You had a much higher chance of being in a car accident, but you weren't scared to get in the car with me."

"I'm not scared," Jasper lied. His fear was only a general anxiety. "Just what is it you think is going to happen? I get a rush, and I go back to needing an adrenaline junkie buddy?"

"You're making this harder than it needs to be. This is what we did. This was a huge part of you and me." Jasper could tell it made Emmett slightly uncomfortable to try to explain, but he pressed forward. "If it's not something you want to do anymore, that's fine. But I think you should try it before you just dismiss it outright."

Jasper took a calming breath, reminding himself that what happened with Edward applied here too. He wasn't the only one that had lost something when he fell off that cliff. Everyone who'd known him was struggling to redefine their relationship with him. "It's never going to be the same, you know. Even if I wanted to, there are going to be things I can't do." As if in emphasis, he had to lean against the car to keep himself upright.

Emmett gave him a withering stare. "That self pitying crap is really not your style, so how about we just not go down that road?" He blew out a breath and tried again. "Look, I already told you, I've talked to these guys. They've worked with people much worse off than you. You already know it can be done. Try it, and if you want to do more, we'll figure out how to do it."

Jasper couldn't help his chuckle. "That's almost the exact pep talk I gave myself about Edward," he muttered.

"Whoa." Emmett held his hands up, palms out. "Way more information than I needed to know."

He couldn't help his snicker, but then he huffed and nodded. "Fine. Let's do this."

_**~0~** _

Throughout their little instructional period, Jasper was mostly dutiful. He listened. He participated, but he showed no excitement. Honestly, he didn't know what to feel. Technically, he knew what they were doing had some risks, but Emmett was right: there was risk in stepping outside his own door every day. He saw others taking off, and obviously they were returning to the ground safely.

But on the other hand, he didn't know that he was prepared to be eager. He just didn't have a context for this type of experience.

Everything changed the minute his feet left the ground.

Though he'd tried to take it in stride, Jasper's new-found handicap had been an endless source of frustration for him. He'd always been athletic - fast, lithe, strong. Feeling feeble was not something he enjoyed.

When he was in the air, none of that mattered. The wind rushed by his ears, stinging his cheeks. The earth beneath them flew by, the land stretching out as far as the eye could see. His movement was fluid, smooth.

He felt powerful.

His heart pounded fast against his chest with the thrill, and the joy it brought him - mixed with the innate rush and a healthy dose of fear - welled up from somewhere deep in his chest. Before he could process what he was doing, Jasper found himself whooping and hollering. Nearby, he could hear Emmett's similar yells. Their eyes met across the wide open space and that connection sprang back to life.

They both enjoyed this. They both lived for moments like this, and it was so much better because it was shared.

And as that emotion hit him, several images inundated Jasper's otherwise awed thoughts.

He saw Emmett beside them as they scaled the rocky face of a cliff, his muscles taut and straining as he pulled himself upward. He saw Emmett looking ridiculous with all his gear but excited just before he jumped out of a plane. He heard himself cheer, looking back at Emmett who was water skiing behind him.

They were moments, mere seconds of time, but all of them shared this exact same high.

When they landed and the instructor helped Jasper loose himself of all the cables, he fell to the ground almost instantly, sitting back on his ass. Adrenaline still had him high as a kite and while he felt as though he could run back to Seattle in under five minutes, his body wasn't capable of keeping him upright in his current, jittery condition. So he sat and laughed, letting out a whoop of exhilaration as he tried to come down from the incredible height he was at.

"It was good right?" Emmett asked, breathless, as he sat beside Jasper in the grass.

"We wanted to go white water rafting," Jasper blurted instead of answering his friend's question.

Emmett's eyes went wide. "You remember?"

Jasper shook his head. It wasn't something he could explain. "I just... know." He rubbed his temple a moment before he looked up at Emmett, excitement beginning to take hold. "I want to do it."

Emmett grinned. "Well, fuck yeah."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Ooooooh I'm sure Edward will be THRILLED.
> 
> Thank yous to my beautiful girls: naelany, jfka06, jessypt, and barburella. My docs are always hilarious and insightful. This time the argument was over whether or not Jasper would be comfortable in the position I had him in. lol!
> 
> And you, my lovely readers. I love you and your enthusiasm for my boys.


	15. Low Moments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hand holding - here we go

Walking into the house, the first thing Edward heard was the beautiful sound of Jasper's laughter. He smiled in response, relieved and a little jealous. He'd been unable to coax much more than a small smile out of Jasper since he'd received the news his legs might never work right again. He was grateful Emmett had put him in a better mood but wished he'd been able to help Jasper himself.

But all Edward's jealousy faded away when he walked into the living room. Jasper's eyes snapped up and his gorgeous smile widened. He extended his hand to Edward, pulling him into a tight hug. "Babe!"

Resting his hand on Jasper's back, Edward swooped down enough to brush a light kiss on his lips. "You look like you had a good day."

"It was incredible, Edward." Jasper's eyes were shining with excitement. "Out there above the trees like a bird. It was just... amazing."

Edward cocked his head. "Above the trees...?" He glanced over at Emmett suspiciously, noticing he was looking rather guilty.

"I thought Emmett was crazy. I mean, I wouldn't have thought I could go paragliding," Jasper babbled happily, oblivious to Edward's increasing discomfort. "But it went really well. It was such a rush."

Now Edward was glaring at Emmett. "You went paragliding today?"

There was an edge to his voice that Jasper, in his excitement, missed. He looked up at Edward, giving him a little shake. "And I remembered."

Edward's head snapped to Jasper. "You remembered?" he echoed, being pulled in different directions faster than he could process.

"I remembered that Emmett and I were planning a rafting trip," Jasper continued.

A chill ran down Edward's spine, and he broke out in a cold sweat. "You remembered that?"

"It wasn't really a solid memory. It was just... there." Jasper shook his head, looking back down at the coffee table where he had his laptop out and open. "So we were just looking to see what might be the best place to start. An easy run first - nothing complicated," he was talking mostly to himself now. "I'm going to create a workout routine at the gym to make sure my arms are strong enough - I'm a good swimmer." He frowned. "Or I was."

"Are you insane?!" Edward yelled not at Jasper but at Emmett. "Have you utterly lost your mind?! You let him jump off a cliff today?! Are you fucking kidding me with this?"

"Edward, everything's fine," Emmett said, holding his hands out in a peacemaking gesture. "Nothing happened. That's why I didn't tell you. I know how worried you get, and-"

"How worried I get?!" Edward repeated, incredulous.

Emmett stood to face Edward, keeping his voice calm and low "He was fine. Nothing was going to happen, I made sure of that. Trust me."

"Trust you." Edward's tone was scathing. "The last time I trusted you, you left him there on a fucking mountain alone and bleeding to death. The last time I trusted you, I almost lost him. How could you possibly ask me to trust you again after that? How could you  _do_ this?"

"Edward-"

"Get the hell out of my house," Edward snapped back, his hands clenched in fists at his side. He was furious, so close to flying at Emmett. He needed the other man gone before he lost the last semblance of control he had.

"Edward, stop." It was Jasper who spoke. He pushed himself into a standing position, leaning heavily on the arm of the couch. "Stop talking about me like I'm not sitting right here, and don't be mad at Emmett."

Eyes blazing, Edward looked at the other man. "Who do you want me to be mad at?

"Emmett was just trying to help me-"

"Help you? Help you by putting your life in danger?  _Again_?" Shaking with fury, he turned back to Emmett. "Get. Out." This news had sparked Edward's protective instinct. For all these months, he'd tamped down his anger, his hurt that this connection Jasper shared with Emmett had almost gotten him killed. Right then, the only thing he knew was Emmett was putting his husband in danger all over again.

"Go on, Emmett. We'll make plans some other time," Jasper said, his angry eyes on Edward rather than his friend.

Emmett paused, looking uncertain, but then he nodded, heading for the door. Edward followed him, intent on making sure he was as far away from Jasper as quickly as possible. The larger man paused before he went down the stairs. "I wasn't trying to hurt you. You're not the only one that cares about him."

"Get out of my sight," Edward snarled, in no mood for rational discussion.

Some part of him had hoped that slamming the door in Emmett's face, banishing him from sight and from Jasper's presence, would make him feel better - safer. But it didn't. His heart was pounding fast and hard against his chest - adrenaline surging through his veins. He was assaulted by the images that had plagued him since the accident - Jasper lying broken and alone on the jagged rocks of Mt. Rainier, his life slipping away, his blood staining the ground.

It hit him like a freight train barreling forward at full speed. He was breathless. He was helpless. He remembered every little adventure Jasper and Emmett had planned and how it was always him waiting at home, worried at the chances they were taking, trying to convince himself they would be fine.

"Look." Jasper's voice made Edward start. He looked up to find the blond man glaring at him, his hand braced on the back of the sofa. "Maybe he should have told you what we were doing, but what the hell is your problem? I get that you're angry, but some of the things you said were cruel."

"I didn't say anything that wasn't true," Edward snapped. He hated feeling this angry at Jasper, but he couldn't seem to get a hold of himself. He was scared out of his mind and completely impotent in his rage.

"What we did today was perfectly safe-"

"Don't feed me that bullshit!" Edward roared. "It's not safe. None of it was safe. Don't talk to me like I don't know every statistic, every horror story. Even when you went hiking - do you know how many things could go wrong?"

Jasper ran his hand through his hair looking irritated. "Emmett told me you had a habit of overreacting," he muttered.

" _Overreacting_?! Did you fall on your head again, or did you miss the whole debacle where you were in a coma and woke up to seven missing years?"

"Don't be an asshole. I knowwhat happened to me." Obviously irritated, Jasper made his way around to the front of the sofa and sunk down on it, rubbing his temples.

"Then how could you do this, Jasper?" Desperation made his tone thin. "Why would you put yourself in danger like that again?"

"Can you calm down? Please?"

"No. I can't. Not when I come home hearing about you jumping off cliffs-"

"Strapped to an instructor with a paraglider," Jasper inserted.

"- and you're planning on drowning yourself next?"

Jasper's head came up. "You know this is the first thing since I woke up that has just made sense? It was great, Edward. It made me feel good. It made fucking sense. Nothing else has just made sense. It was good for me. It was something about me, about my past, I could just... accept - enjoy - with absolutely no drama."

"Of course," Edward muttered bitterly, his heart twisting and aching. "Of course that would be the thing that comes easily to you - the one thing I wish you would forget forever. What the hell is so great about doing these dangerous things? What could possibly be worth risking your life? You have a daughter, Jasper. You have..." He wanted to say 'me' but stopped himself, realizing he wasn't enough.

"First of all, I think you're over thinking the dangerous bit," Jasper began, his tone even. "But to answer your question..." He sighed. "I can't tell you why it was a draw before though I could guess. The whole thing with Peter... He died too young, way too young. And how does it not hit you that life is a gift that's meant to be used, not stored in a closet where it's safe and preserved?

"And I did, Edward. This whole thing... It's not that I don't appreciate what I have - with Bella or with you - but you know, sometimes with my leg... with all the things people have to help me with... it's hard not to feel like an invalid. Today, I didn't feel impaired. I felt...alive. And I felt right." He looked up, his eyes pleading with Edward's to try to understand. "I felt like I was part of the world again, even if it was only for those few minutes - participating instead of just treading water."

Edward closed his eyes tight, trying to get a handle on his rising panic. He wanted to really hear what Jasper was saying, to understand it and sympathize, but in that moment, he couldn't. It felt like he was losing Jasper all over again.

"There are other ways to feel like that," Edward said, his voice thin. "There are other ways to feel alive. There..."

His tongue was tangled. They'd been down this road before. He knew how this argument ended. This was a part of Jasper that had always belonged to Emmett because Emmett understood. Edward had never understood and even less so now. He could try to explain, but he didn't have the words anymore - at least none that Jasper would listen to. Now, on top of the persistent pessimistic paranoia that had always plagued him, there was a generous helping of complete and utter terror.

His worst fears had already been realized. He'd lost Jasper. Through this struggle, he'd thought at least he wouldn't have to go through that again. But here they were, and Edward couldn't fathom just sitting back and letting this happen. Again.

Unable to speak, Edward lurched forward on the couch, grabbing Jasper by his shirt and pulling him forward. He kissed him. Hard. Throwing all the passion he had into the way his lips moved. He was trying to show what he couldn't say, trying to explain what he couldn't stand to lose.

This. Jasper. Them.

This was what made Edward feel alive.

As he kissed Jasper, all of his pent up fear and frustration came to a head. Why? Why had Emmett been able to coax a memory out of  _his_ lover? And why this? Why something that Jasper wanted to take hold of and run with?

Desperate and not thinking clearly at all, Edward's movements, his hands, became more aggressive. Jasper gasped when he unbuttoned his jeans, and Edward moved his lips to the other man's neck, nipping and sucking.

"Fuck," Jasper moaned, his hands falling on Edward's back. He whimpered when Edward cupped him over his boxers, rubbing.

Edward didn't let him have a chance to get used to what was happening. Instead, he slid off the couch, down on his knees on the floor. He loosed Jasper's cock from his boxers and had his lover in his mouth in the next instant.

Jasper's hips jerked. "Christ! What?"

But Edward knew his body well, knew how to make this fast or draw it out until Jasper was begging shamelessly.

Right then, if anything, Edward was trying to drive any and all thoughts of dangerous activities out of Jasper's head. Let him call this hanging life in a closet preserved.

"Oh, God," Jasper muttered, his hips jerking again.

In his head, as Edward took Jasper further into his mouth, he begged him to remember. Remember this. Remember how many days and nights began just like this - with Edward's lips wrapped around Jasper's cock, the tip of his tongue working along the perimeter of his girth.

"Edward," Jasper groaned his name and Edward's heart sped at the sound. It was low and gravelly and utterly wanton. He felt Jasper's hands slide up from his back to his neck and shivered when his fingers gripped his hair. "Baby. Please. Yes." His voice was a rasp, his words devolving into monosyllabic moans as he writhed.

His hands on Jasper's hips, Edward urged him toward the edge of the couch where he could work his jeans and boxers further down on his hips. It gave him better access, so he could use his hands. He drew the tip of his finger along Jasper's balls - teasing.

Jasper mewled. His fingers tangled in Edward's hair and he tugged hard. When Edward hummed, the vibration of the noise made the blond man whine with pleasure. "Baby."

If Edward's mouth wasn't so busy, he might have smirked. As it was, reading Jasper's body and the sound of his moans, Edward coaxed him easily to the edge of orgasm.

And then he pulled back, slowed down.

"Edward!" Jasper's voice was a whine. "Please." He was panting. Gasping. "Please. I need... I need."

Renewing his pace, Edward put his hand over Jasper's stomach, pinning him down so the jerks of his body were easier to handle. He loved the sound of Jasper's pleasure, loved the guttural shouts. He'd never been shy about the noises he made.

When he'd swallowed and zipped Jasper back up, Edward sat back up on the couch. Jasper's head was thrown back, his eyes closed, as he tried to catch his breath.

As the moments turned into minutes, the temporary high Edward felt faded. His heart began to ache again.

"That was..." Jasper swallowed and sat up. He didn't look at Edward. "That was... But it doesn't change things."

"I know." Edward's voice was quiet, resigned - calmer. "It's just... you weren't there, Jasper. You don't remember falling. It's easy to get back on the horse when you don't remember falling off."

He stood, beginning to pace. "What I remember is every time you ran off, telling me everything would be fine. And I told myself all the horror stories were just that - stories. Fictions, or anecdotes that happened to someone else... someone else's husband, not mine.

"But then it did happen. And you don't... you can't understand what it was like, seeing you like that - broken and pale and lifeless." His voice cracked, and Edward had to pause, closing his eyes and breathing deep. "I remember everything. I remember every minute at the hospital not knowing if I was ever going to see you alive again, knowing you could slip away and there was nothing I could do about it. And then the weeks -  _weeks_ \- when you were just a shell, just a body in a bed. I just..."

"Edward," Jasper interrupted.

Edward turned slowly.

Jasper was standing, looking as if he were about to reach for him. Instead, he sighed. "What I did... what I'm doing, it isn't about hurting you. What happened today was only about me - what I wanted and what I needed."

Edward knew that, of course. It wasn't a new argument. He couldn't have spoken even if he wanted to; the lump in his throat was too painful to swallow around let alone speak. Feeling like he couldn't be in the same room with Jasper without breaking down, Edward fled for the sanctuary of the kitchen.

There, he sat heavily, leaning one elbow on the table, pinching the bridge of his nose.

He was so close to breaking down. His eyes had filled with tears of utter frustration and misery.

Edward heard Jasper's slow steps as he approached. He tried to rein in his emotions, tried to find calm again, but he couldn't. By the time he felt Jasper's presence behind him, twin tears had escaped the corners of his eyes.

Jasper sighed and the next second, Edward was startled when he slipped his arms around him from behind. Jasper pulled him back, and Edward raised his hand to his arm, taking what little comfort he could from the intimate connection.

When he spoke, Jasper's voice was soft, his lips near his ear. "The last thing I want to do is hurt you." His tone was utterly sincere. "I know this scares you. I understand why. But I can't be someone I'm not."

"I can't do it again," Edward whispered. "I can't." It would kill him - in that moment he was sure.

Jasper didn't let him go, rocking them both slightly as the silence between them stretched on - long and heavy. He sighed again and kissed Edward's cheek, lingering a moment. "I want to fix this, baby, I do. And I know I'm new at this... but we both have to bend somewhere."

Unable to speak without ordering him - or begging him - to reconsider, Edward stayed silent, but he squeezed Jasper's arm, acknowledging he agreed.

"But this is a part of me," Jasper continued, his voice soft but firm. "This is the only me you're going to get. I'm more than willing to compromise - let you be in on the planning so you can see how prepared we are, the precautions we take - whatever it takes. You can even come with us if you want... but you cannot ask me to give it up. I need this, Edward."

Edward couldn't answer, and Jasper hugged him tightly and kissed his cheek again. "Just think about it, okay? I promise I'm not going to do anything stupid tomorrow."

When he walked away, Edward gasped, hardly able to breathe. He didn't know what he was feeling, whether his heart was breaking. He didn't know what to think at all.

He felt lost, adrift, floating in turbulent waters with no way to get back to shore.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Oh, boy.
> 
> So being my prereader is a very difficult job. Thanks to jfka06, barburella, Naelany, and jessypt, all of whom argued with me until this chapter was what it should be. I won't say it's a thankless task cuz g'dammit a good majority of these people make me write things where Carlisle has sex, but I'm aware it's a difficult position. Heh.
> 
> SO!
> 
> How are you doing out there in fic land?


	16. I'm Sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Some of us are not pleased with Jasper at ALL. Well, let's see how our boys deal with it.

Jasper felt like absolute crap.

Seeing Edward so completely heartbroken had thrown Jasper for a loop. As they'd struggled - separately and together - Edward's sadness was a constant presence but one he'd kept down to a low a simmer. A few nights before, his pain had been an inferno - impossible to ignore and scalding hot. It left Jasper reeling, so he couldn't imagine what Edward felt.

"Doesn't it seem melodramatic to you?" Jasper groused to Alice when she dropped Bella off one day. "It's been three days, and he hardly looks at me."

He felt a little bad. The look on Alice's face suggested she was about as comfortable with this conversation as a man going in for a vasectomy. He could see why it was awkward, talking with her ex about his problems with his boyfriend.

Ever the good sport, Alice shrugged it off and talked to him. "You seriously hurt him with this one, Jasper."

"I get that he's hurt, but it's just overdone. First of all, how the hell was I supposed to know Emmett was going to do what he did? It was a surprise. And secondly..." He gave an irritated, helpless little shrug. "It's not exactly extreme sports, okay? It's not like I want to climb Mount Everest where there are actual bodies littered around the trail. I'm not going over Niagara Falls in a kayak."

Alice looked at him steadily. He got the feeling she considered him rather dimwitted in that particular moment. "You don't understand what the big deal is?" she asked flatly.

"It's just rafting on an easy run." Jasper knew his tone was defensive, but he just didn't see what the big deal was. "Children younger than Bella go on those runs."

Wordlessly, Alice reached forward, grabbing his hand. She pulled his arm toward her while she pushed back his sleeve. Raising his arm toward him, she stared pointedly. "That's why."

Jasper bit the inside of his lip, yanking his hand back and shoving his sleeves down self-consciously, covering up the vivid scars that marred his skin. Alice's expression was more sympathetic then.

"Weakness isn't fun for anyone, but I know it's especially difficult for a person like you. That's why you wear longer sleeves more often than not when you go out. You don't like looking at them. You especially don't like other people looking at them."

He didn't say anything, but he didn't need to. Alice always knew him so well.

"What you need to come to grips with exactly how close you came to dying. You were a mess." She tilted her head, studying him for a long moment. "You aren't wrong. What you and Emmett do isn't exactly the pinnacle of stupidity, and Edward excels at worrying. What happened to you was his worst nightmare - exactly the thing that he worried about, that you promised him over and over wouldn't happen. Then you blindside him with the news you were back at the same thrill-seeking behavior that nearly got you killed, and you expected it to go well?"

Guilt tugged at his heart, and Jasper scowled as he turned her words over. "So what are you saying? You think I should give it all up so he won't be worried anymore."

"No." Alice's voice took on that Mom tone that told him he'd better listen carefully. "What I'm saying is Edward's fears are far from irrational." She bobbed her head, conceding, "And what you say about your activities being relatively safe isn't irrational either.

"You want him to understand this need, you have to realize what he stands to lose." Her smile was small and wistful as she continued. "You are his entire world, Jasper. You're the love of his life, the father of his daughter... He loves you so much, and you can't just shrug off his concerns. Acknowledge that he was right once, and you can't guarantee he won't be right again. Then you can work together to find the point he can find peace with what you need."

For a long handful of moments, Jasper rubbed his hand over his eyes, contemplating her words.

He didn't really remember this part; taking another adult person's needs and being respectful of their idiosyncrasies was part of having a healthy adult relationship, he mused. It was supposed to be work.

And Edward was worth it.

With a sigh, Jasper wrapped his arm around Alice, drawing her close. "Some things never change. I'm glad you're still here to call me on my bullshit."

Chuckling, she hugged him back, lingering a moment. "You know... you're still the love of my life, as tragic as that is, and also my daughter's father. Just promise me you'll think of Bella before you do anything  _really_ stupid."

Pulling back, Jasper looked on her, noticing the tightness of worry around her eyes. It struck him then that his body might have been ravaged, but the psyches of the people who loved him most had been badly damaged as well.

"Would you stop me if you could?" he wondered out loud.

Alice pursed her lips, considering. "No. I learned a long time ago, you can't control the future." She nodded her head at their daughter who was lost in her own little world, happily playing. "We're raising Bella to embrace who she is, never to settle on what she wants even if it's something difficult. Life isn't about just surviving. Any fool can survive - it's in our instinct. I don't want Bella to merely survive. I want her to live." She looked him in the eye. "And living implies a certain amount of risk."

Jasper hummed. "There's more risk getting in a car, you know."

"Well, it's not me you have to convince," she said with a smirk. "Good luck with that."

_**~0~** _

The last few days, Edward had found himself staying at his shop far longer than necessary.

The bitch of it all was that Jasper was being exactly who he always was. Edward could be a little pessimistic and a worry-wart. Jasper was his perfect counterpoint in that way, gently coaxing him to take a chance every now and again - savor life. He needed that confidence - Jasper's belief that everything would be fine.

His lover wasn't foolhardy. He analyzed all his choices with great care and planned very carefully.

And it wasn't as though there weren't benefits. Jasper's body in climbing form was a sight to behold - all muscular arms and thighs.

When he came home after an adventure, Edward reaped the benefits of his adrenaline. Sex was never as athletic as when he was coming down off a high.

Still, Edward's worry lingered until Jasper arrived safely home again.

"You're not getting rid of me so easily," he'd often murmured, gently nipping at Edward's earlobe.

But when it came right down to it, it had been as easy as Jasper tripping.

His keyboard at home was not big enough to hold his emotion as he played. He preferred the baby grand piano at work, though the acoustics of the room annoyed him. He poured his frustration, fear, annoyance - all of his negativity into his playing.

It was a rather gloomy sound.

Edward jumped when he heard a knock at the glass door of the place. He growled, calling out, "We're closed!" without looking back over his shoulder.

The knocker was persistent.

Thoroughly annoyed, Edward got up from the piano bench and turned around. He was startled when he saw Jasper standing there, his hand raised, the look on his face pleading.

For a moment, Edward looked down at the floor, rubbing the back of his neck as he tried to get a handle on the sudden lurch of emotion he felt. Jasper was the last person he expected to see, and he didn't know if he wanted to have any sort of discussion with him when he felt so raw. There was no way it was going to end well.

Another fight was the last thing they needed.

Jasper knocked again, softer now.

Pressing his lips together, Edward shuffled forward and unlocked the door.

Time seemed to slow as they stared at each other.

There was something different in Jasper's eyes. The last few days, his expression had been hard - stubborn. It was the look of a man ready to hold his ground. Tonight, though, the look on his face was softer - almost that of a little boy looking up for approval and forgiveness.

"What are you doing here?" Edward finally asked. "How did you get here?"

"Lucy drove me." Jasper ran his fingers nervously through his hair, studying Edward as though he were trying to read his mood. "I just really need to talk to you."

Edward nodded slowly and offered his arm. Neither of them spoke as they made their way to the piano bench. He would have taken them back to the office, but for some reason, he felt better facing the piano, mindlessly pressing keys.

After a moment of heavy silence, Jasper reached forward, wrapping his fingers around Edward's wrists and pulling his hands away from the piano. He hesitated a moment but then placed Edward's palms over his own chest, pressing them there firmly.

Edward finally looked up, uncertain as to what Jasper wanted but thrilling at the touch. Even in these few days, he'd missed their connection, missed the lightness of their interaction.

"You feel this?" Jasper asked, his voice low and quiet. "I know what you're afraid of. But feel. I survived."

Beneath Edward's palms, Jasper's heartbeat was strong and steady. Edward felt his throat get tight, tears burning in his eyes as he was very suddenly overcome with the emotion he'd been trying to suppress for days.

Jasper's heartbeat was precious to him. Edward remembered sitting in the hospital for hours that stretched on like days when Jasper was still in surgery. Even though there were rooms and walls separating them, he'd felt as though he could hear the other man's beating heart. In his terrified thoughts, he imagined that vital, life-giving organ giving one final lub dub before going silent.

Even then, so many months later, anxiety made it difficult to breathe or think.

Raising one hand, Jasper drew his fingertips down Edward's cheek. "I'm sorry I scared you. I'm sorry you had to see me like that. And I'm very sorry I was so focused on what I needed the other night. I didn't think about how it would sound to you."

Edward felt a weight lift from around his heart. The anxiety wasn't gone, but it was good hear Jasper say the words. He breathed a little easier and scrambled, not sure what to say. He knew better than to hope this meant Jasper had reconsidered his plans. Honestly, he didn't  _want_ to take away something so important to him.

But Jasper saved him from having to say anything. He slid closer on the bench, wrapping his arm around Edward's waist. Edward let his eyes close, happiness beginning to seep into the darker mood he'd been in the last few days.

He'd almost blissed out - Jasper was pressing kisses along his shoulder - when his lover spoke. "Will you play for me?"

Edward tilted his head as Jasper's lips found his neck. "You want me to play?" he repeated a little dumbly. His thoughts were slow, cloudy.

"Anything." Jasper's voice vibrated against Edward's skin.

"Okay," Edward agreed.

Jasper didn't move as Edward put his hands on the keys. He rested his head on Edward's shoulder, just waiting.

At first, Edward didn't know what to play. Part of him wanted to play a playful love song, remembering so many times when they sat together like this. So often he'd seduced Jasper with music, smirking over his shoulder until their kisses overtook any ability he had to play.

But no. He wasn't there. He was still aching.

His fingers began to move as if on their own. He played what he felt, and because there was no existing song for the chaotic mess of his head, what he played was entirely new. He closed his eyes, leaning into Jasper's embrace, feeling his warmth surround him.

Jasper  _had_ survived. He was still an amazing, vibrant man. And he'd chosen Edward. Again.

Edward decided in that moment he was going to try not to dwell on possibilities. Jasper could just as easily get hurt stepping out the door. It happened every day.

There was something to be said about living in the moment.

As he brought his impromptu song to an end, he turned his head, capturing Jasper's lips in a deep, passionate kiss.

This particular moment, he thought as Jasper kissed him back, was pretty spectacular.

_**~0~** _

By the time they got home, they were having trouble keeping their hands off each other.

They staggered in the door, stumbling into walls as they tried to move forward and not break their kiss at the same time.

Not as graceful as he used to be, Jasper lurched forward, accidentally stepping on Edward's foot. Edward gave a grunt, pulling back a little both to steady the other man and to hiss in pain.

"Sorry," Jasper said breathlessly, holding himself up with his hand braced against the wall. He leaned in again, nipping at Edward's lips. They were both panting.

Edward ran his hands up and down the other man's back, reluctant to step back. They would have these little kisses, maybe they would touch, and then Edward would head upstairs while Jasper retreated to the room they'd shared once upon a time.

Jasper's eyes as he looked up were hooded with lust but also...

Nervous.

He pressed his lips together and swallowed hard.

"Come to my room?" he blurted.

He spoke so fast, Edward wasn't sure he understood. "What?"

Tilting his head, Jasper brushed his lips in a butterfly kiss. He looked up again and said more steadily, "Please come to my room tonight. Stay with me."

Edward felt suddenly breathless and dizzy. He grinned. He couldn't help it. There was something so entirely ridiculous about where they were as a couple. They'd had all these moments before, and they were in the same house, for crying out loud.

And yet...

If they had to start over, there was a sweetness to it - something special that they hadn't had before. Edward realized with a start that he would have all Jasper's firsts.

Edward's grin spread wider across his face. He kissed Jasper again, lingering, wrapping an arm around his waist and pushing away from the wall. "Yeah," he breathed. "Yes. I will. If you want me."

"I do want you."

It was something of a miracle they made it to the master bedroom in one piece. It was probably all the more dangerous because Edward was trying to unbutton Jasper's shirt and hold him up at the same time. Jasper wasn't making things any easier as he was unzipping Edward's pants.

Make-up sex was always the hottest.

Edward stilled a moment, trying to shake off the cloud of lust that made it difficult to think rationally. He wondered just how far Jasper wanted to take this.

His thoughts flitted right back out the window when Jasper rubbed him through his boxers. He licked the shell of Edward's ear before he rumbled, "I want to taste you."

Edward's breath left him in a gust as those words went straight down his spine right to his cock. He whimpered.

"Can I taste you?"

"You don't have to..." Edward swallowed, running his fingers over the contours of Jasper's now bare back. "You don't have to do that. I can-"

"I want to." Jasper slid Edward's boxers down as he spoke. "Please."

Jasper was definitely nervous. His hands were shaking. "Are you sure?" Edward asked calmly, continuously reminding himself this was new to Jasper no matter how many times they'd done it in the past.

"Yeah. It's not a big deal." Jasper's eyes went a little wide and he began to stumble over his words. "I mean, it's not a little deal..." He was trying to be smooth, but he was failing.

It was more adorable than Edward would have guessed - watching this man who was typically the epitome of confidence stumble like a blushing teenager.

Edward led him over to the bed, both of them shedding the remainder of their clothes, and they lay down. He helped guide Jasper so they were laying feet to head, where Edward could easily touch him, stroke him, pleasure him even as Jasper's mouth was between his legs.

He should have known better than to expect Jasper not to have a game plan. Jasper was obviously new at what he was doing - his hesitation and experimental licks were proof enough of that - but he seemed to be taking educated guesses.

"Oh, God," Edward groaned. The feel of Jasper's hot, wet mouth enveloping his cock was already too much. "You studied," he accused.

Jasper released him from his mouth with a pop. "Of course I studied." His hands were firm as he stroked Edward. "I want you to feel good, baby."

Raising his hips to meet Jasper's hand, Edward moaned again. "It feels good," he said breathlessly. "Fuck, it feels so good." He let his fingers wander, touching Jasper where he was hard.

Jasper shook his hand off. "Don't worry about me, Edward. Let me do this for you. Please."

Since it had been so long since Jasper had touched him this way, Edward didn't find it difficult to get lost in the feeling. As Jasper took him in his mouth again, his tongue swirling along his shaft, Edward let his hand rest on his back. His breath quickened, his body jolting as Jasper cupped his balls in his palm.

Jasper was a quick learner. He was fast to realize what worked for Edward, how to use his hands, his tongue, his mouth. It wasn't long before Edward was calling his name, his tone a whine, a beg for more. And though it wasn't always easy - he did gag once - Jasper was obviously eager to please.

Edward was eagerly pleased.

By the time he was coiled tight, ready to find his release, he was mindlessly squeezing Jasper's bare ass.

"Babe," Edward groaned. "Jesus, that's so good." His hand smacked at Jasper's skin urgently. "Let go. Let me... I'm going to..."

Jasper either didn't back off in time or he'd been trying his luck with swallowing. Jasper sputtered and choked, leaning back on the bed with his hand over his mouth, while Edward, coming down off his post orgasm high had to giggle.

"You think this is funny?" Jasper asked, trying to catch his breath.

"Do you think it isn't?" Edward challenged easily. The atmosphere between them was light, good.

Coughing, Jasper grinned at him. "Fair enough."

Rolling over onto his belly, Edward pushed Jasper's legs apart and quickly took him into his mouth. Jasper's hips bucked up into his mouth, but Edward had been prepared for that. When he brought Jasper to his release, the other man's fingers were tangled tight in his hair.

When they were both right side up again, Edward leaned over Jasper to kiss him deeply, taking his time, sharing the taste of him. He pulled back, looking down on the blond man, stroking his cheek and aching to tell him how much he loved him.

But he couldn't.

Not yet.

"Do you still want me to stay?" he asked quietly, running his thumb over Jasper's full lip.

Jasper nodded, his eyes lazy and adoring as he looked up.

Edward lay down beside him, head on his shoulder, arm splayed over his chest. Jasper's fingers were lazy as they brushed his head along the curve of his ear.

It felt good to be in his bed again.

More than content, Edward was about to drift off to sleep when Jasper called his name softly. He hummed his answer, drowsing.

"Will you come with me?"

Edward stirred slightly, opening one eye to gaze up at Jasper. "You want to go somewhere right now?" He definitely wasn't in the mood to move.

Jasper chuckled. "No. Not right now. I meant something like paragliding. I think maybe it would help if you could just see for yourself."

Edward's stomach twisted.

"Just once. Just to see." Jasper was running his fingers through Edward's hair in a slow caress.

Closing his eyes, Edward tried to think rationally.

"You don't have to answer right now. Just think about it. Please?"

Swallowing down the lump of fear that had risen in his throat, Edward nodded. "I will," he promised.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Nothing says I'm sorry like a blow job?
> 
> Right?
> 
> O.o
> 
> Anyway. This chapter made possible by ENDLESS conversations with jessypt, barburella, jfka06, and naelany.


	17. Love and Logic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I feel like warning everyone to make sure you read the last chapter. There were a lot fewer reviews than usual.
> 
> Do you... do you guys just not love me anymore?!
> 
> Was... was the blow job THAT BAD?!
> 
> *sobs*
> 
> Hehe.

When it came right down to it, sexual intimacy with a man wasn't as different as Jasper thought it was going to be. Edward's body was just as warm, just as pliant. It was harder, so Jasper's fingers slid across firm muscle instead of soft curves. But really, the basics were there - the give and take of pleasure, the ability to make his partner writhe and moan with his mouth, his hands.

It was the same... and yet it was a whole new world. Sex with Alice had not been bad by any stretch of the imagination. Sex with Edward, even if it wasn't all the way, was a whole other ballgame. It was the world amplified - attraction and enthusiasm turned up to ludicrous speed.

Jasper didn't feel so very awkward. He was into it.

He woke up the next morning, warm and content in his bed with Edward still draped over him. The satisfaction that gave Jasper, the peace he felt, was unlike anything he had experienced.

Well, at least that he remembered.

Edward seemed fairly content in his sleep, his lips set in a little grin that was almost cocky.

Emmett had told him Edward could get cocky. Jasper hardly believed it. Curling his finger around a lock of hair that fell over Edward's forehead, Jasper idly wondered what it would take to coax the cockiness out.

Jasper snickered to himself, some perverted remark about coaxing and cocks half forming in his still sleepy brain.

It was a thrill, pleasure in and of itself, to bring Edward pleasure. Jasper found he didn't much mind having a cock in his mouth. Obviously swallowing was going to take a little getting used to, but the rest of it was the very antithesis of bad.

For minutes, Jasper ran lazy fingers over Edward's features, smiling with a giddy rush when the other man's lips pursed, kissing his fingertips in his sleep.

Jasper sighed, his emotions getting heavier as he woke more fully.

He wished he could slow the world, or compartmentalize each confusing aspect of his life for careful consideration.

On top of dealing with everything else - being a father, being divorced from Alice, not knowing what he was going to do with the rest of his life - there was this issue of getting used to liking boys. It wouldn't be so bad except that it had sapped Jasper's natural confidence, and he was a little blind without that swagger in his step.

Jasper stared at Edward's sleeping face, a now familiar warmth spreading over his chest, making his heart pound. He couldn't mistake the glee, the satisfaction he felt that this man was in his bed.

That this man chose to love him.

What Jasper wished he could suss out was exactly how he felt for Edward.

It was absolutely true that he was falling - hard. Sometimes, his lust, his attraction, his utter adoration for Edward made him dizzy and lightheaded. He just had to wonder where the emotion came from.

What Jasper felt for Peter, when he knew he was dead, had hit him with the strength of a hurricane. There was no denying it. The feel of his heart breaking had been the most hideously painful thing he could imagine. The love he had for Peter wasn't wrapped up in anything else.

What he felt for Edward was not so straightforward. Part of him wondered how much of his feelings toward the other man were borne out of what he needed. How could he not be self-conscious? Edward was a confidence booster to be sure. He was so focused on Jasper; it was nearly impossible to resist that level of devotion. And Edward was a safe harbor in a somewhat frightening journey.

Jasper was only too aware they had one more physical milestone left. For his own sake, Jasper wanted to share himself, his body, with only Edward. But Edward deserved a lover who was on the same page, who was just as in love with him - not the safety he offered or the reverence he showered him in - as Edward was for Jasper.

To Edward, Jasper was his husband. He'd struggled with the changes, but Jasper could see in every action, in every look, that Edward was falling in love with him all over again. He'd fallen. It was done. Irrevocable.

Jasper didn't feel married. He didn't feel like he wanted to be apart from Edward, but he didn't feel completely committed either.

Sighing to himself, Jasper ran his fingers through the longish locks on Edward's forehead, the movement tender. He scooted closer to the other man, tightening his arms around him and beginning to press little kisses along his chin. There was an edge of desperation to Jasper's actions he was trying to ignore, trying to outrun.

His fingers tracing along Edward's back, caressing the skin of his ass, Jasper kissed him into wakefulness.

Edward's eyes fluttered open slowly, his face beatific and his smile lackadaisical as he yawned and kissed Jasper back. As their lips moved together, Edward hummed, the sound reverberating between them, and Jasper sighed, relaxing into the heat of the moment.

He did like this. A lot. A really lot.

But before they got ahead of themselves again, Jasper pulled away slightly.

"Are you awake?"

Edward hummed, licking his lips. "I suppose I can be." He grinned. "If I must."

"Well, if you're awake, there are things we need to talk about."

Edward's little grin fell and he scooted backward a little, his lips tugging downward. "I know." He sighed. "This is nice, though... waking up like this. Can't we ignore it just a little longer?"

There was a pout to his tone that was more adorable than annoying.

Jasper tightened his arms around Edward again, pulling him snug against him. "Who said we had to move?" His tone was teasing, and he felt a little smug when Edward's breath wheezed a bit.

Skimming the pads of his fingers down Edward's cheeks, across his nose, Jasper studied him for a long moment before he spoke. "I want to do what I can to help you be more comfortable with the idea of the things I do with Emmett," he said slowly. "What specifically worries you?"

The skin around Edward's eyes tightened, a distinctly pained and slightly panicked look coming over him. "What worries me? I worry that you won't survive your next fall!"

"I know that," Jasper said calmly. "That's a general fear." He brushed Edward's hair out of his eyes so he could look at him steadily. "When we take Bella to the park, I worry she'll fall when she's bouncing around just like I know you'll always worry I'll get hurt."

"Again," Edward inserted, his tone strained.

"Yes, again. But if you tell me specifics, I think I can at least know where to start."

Edward appeared to think about this before he spoke. "Your injuries make things much more complicated. An impairment is nothing to be ashamed of, but you have to accept you can't just do the things you did before."

Jasper grimaced but nodded his agreement. "I think you have to give me some credit here. Throughout this whole process, I haven't exactly refused to accept I need help, right?"

Looking slightly sheepish, Edward nodded.

"I've accepted the fact I'm probably not ever going to be in the same shape I was." Jasper's heart gave a little twist. It was a difficult thing to acknowledge, but he'd come to terms with it - or he was getting there at least. "But that being said, I'm only going to get stronger from here. I'm working very hard to get better."

Edward cupped his face. "I know that, babe."

Wrapping his fingers around Edward's, Jasper brought their joined hands down between them. "This isn't something I'm rushing into. We're not talking about going on some dangerous adventure every weekend. Rafting, for instance? We won't be able to do that until at  _least_ May. That's half a year away. It's plenty of time for me to make sure I have the arm strength to swim well. I don't have anything else planned from here until then."

"You said last night you wanted to go paragliding again," Edward pointed out.

Jasper tilted his head. "That's a little different. First of all, Emmett was really careful to choose something where the instructors have almost total control. Safety wise it wasn't a hell of a lot different than being on a roller coaster.

"That being said, I had no immediate plans to go back. It was something I suggested because I thought it might help. You could see what it was like - how I'm not just throwing myself off cliffs."

Edward gave a little grumble but nodded. "I know," he admitted. "You've never been careless." He kissed Jasper sweetly, squeezing his hands. "Really, I was just caught off guard. It was the last thing I expected to have to deal with."

Jasper nodded. "I know. I realize now how unfair that was. I'm sorry. It was inconsiderate of us to do that."

"I appreciate you saying so," Edward acknowledged. His expression was grudging. "And I apologize for overreacting."

Rather than answer, Jasper leaned in, capturing Edward's lips in a kiss that was a promise: He was never going to leave Edward out of the loop again.

After some moments of this, Jasper wrapping his fingers around Edward's wrists as the other man moved his hands to cradle Jasper's face, Edward made a contented little sound. He buried his head on Jasper's shoulder. When he spoke, his voice vibrated against Jasper's throat.

"I think I will go with you to see what it's like," he murmured. Pushing up onto his arms, Edward looked down on Jasper, caressing his cheek gently and studying his face. "I was worried before but..." He pursed his lips. "I didn't  _really_  think anything could happen. You're my superman, Jasper." His expression was slightly abashed but unapologetic. "I need to see you're the same strong, smart person you always were. I know you can take care of yourself, but I need to  _see_ it."

"I understand that better than you think. When Emmett dragged me up there, I was very resentful of him. I didn't think I could do what he wanted me to do. But when I saw I could do it..." Jasper shook his head, not sure if he could find the words.

Turning his head, Edward kissed Jasper's throat. "Arrange it," he said decisively. After a pause, he lifted his head. "Now if you don't mind, what do you say we get back to that sleep thing we were doing so well at before."

Glancing at the clock, Jasper raised an eyebrow. "It's almost eleven."

Edward smirked. "Do  _you_ want to move?" he challenged.

In response, Jasper hitched his leg over Edward's and tightened his grip. "Point taken." He let his grin spread slow and seductive across his face. "But I can think of much more interesting things to do without leaving this bed besides sleep."

_**~0~** _

Edward was trying not to make Jasper uncomfortable, so as they made their way to the restaurant, he held back from trying to invade his personal space. He purposefully shoved his hands down deep in his pockets to resist the urge to hold Jasper's hand. They hadn't had a chance to discuss how Jasper felt about public displays of affection.

So Edward was pleasantly surprised when Jasper hooked his hand through his arm. He was downright shocked when the blond man pushed him up against the brick wall around the corner from the restaurant.

"What-" Edward began, but was quickly silenced when Jasper kissed him. Hard. Deep. Until he got light headed because he hadn't breathed in-

Jasper released him, and they both panted, breathless.

"What was that for?" Edward asked between gasps.

"I wanted you to be in a good mood." He licked his lips and looked at him more seriously. "I hope that by agreeing to come out tonight, that means you're considering forgiving Emmett."

Edward pressed his lips together.

Tilting his chin, Jasper leaned both of his hands on either side of Edward's head. He began to press tiny little kisses to the skin around Edward's lips.

Edward sighed, then moaned, giving in and leaning into his kiss. "You're too convincing," he grumbled.

As Jasper intended, Edward was in a warm haze from their very thorough, very public kisses when they went into the restaurant where Emmett and Rosalie were waiting. So when Emmett looked at him, his eyes uncertain, Edward merely sighed and pulled him into a tight hug in greeting.

Edward had not been oblivious to the fact, when Jasper asked him if he was open to a double date, what the blond man actually wanted.

If he were being honest, Edward had been caught off guard by the strength of his anger toward Emmett. There was a lot of resentment buried deep that Edward had ignored until Emmett had put the man he loved in danger. Again.

"I know it isn't fair," Edward told Emmett quietly later that night. Rosalie and Jasper were playing pool nearby, leaving their dates to talk. "A big part of me still blames you," he admitted. "For him falling, for everything that's happened since."

"You can't blame him. It's easier to blame me," Emmett surmised tightly.

"Yes."

"Well, I should have told you." He grimaced but then gave a small smile, looking up at Edward with a kind expression. "I think we're on the same page, is the problem. We both want to help him. It's hard to see anyone else's problems when his are so..."

"Big?" Edward suggested.

Emmett waggled his eyebrows playfully. "Since when is big a problem?" he asked, his tone lewd.

Edward choked on a laugh and then full on chortled. Emmett grinned at him, and the heavy atmosphere that had weighed on them dissipated almost completely. They both smiled and nodded at each other, the matter settled.

"Pool?" Edward asked, nodding at their partners.

Fuck that." Emmett waved his hand. "Darts," he challenged.

"Darts," Edward agreed.

  
**~0~**   


They walked in the door with arms linked, the mood between them light. It had been a very good night for so many reasons.

Since he didn't know if he would be welcome in Jasper's bed again, Edward pulled the other man to him as they came into the foyer.

"I hope you don't find this condescending or trite, but I'm very proud of you," he said sincerely, softly.

Jasper looked confused. "For what? I mean, I played a hell of a game of pool, but I always-"

"Not that," Edward said, rolling his eyes and shaking his head. "I mean us." He studied Jasper for a moment. "The first time I was out with another boy, I was so nervous I couldn't stop shaking."

Realization came over Jasper's features, and he nodded slowly. "Oh. That."

"Yes, that."

Jasper scrubbed the back of his neck and gave a little laugh. "I feel like once you've had a cock in your mouth, you probably shouldn't be so bashful about holding hands or kissing."

Edward was so startled by the other man's candor, he burst into laughter. "Well, that makes sense, I guess."

Smirking, Jasper wrapped his arms around his waist and kissed him. "I guess I figured I had enough to deal with being so fucking tangled up in my own head, I don't have time to worry about someone else's malfunction."

Twisting his lips up at one corner of his mouth, Edward looked at his lover. "Are things still so bad for you?" he asked softly, hoping his question sounded as innocent as he meant it.

Jasper was silent for a long moment. He dropped his hands down to Edward's, threading their fingers together. "Come sit with me a second," he requested.

Edward's stomach tangled up in knots as he followed Jasper to the couch and sat down.

"A lot of things are so much better," Jasper began, playing with Edward's fingers as he spoke. "I don't feel like I'm going out of my skin anymore. I don't feel like a stranger in my own head.

Raising a hand, he cupped Edward's cheek. "And I'm really happy here - with you specifically."

Edward sucked in a breath, his heartbeat erratic. "There's a but, isn't there?" he asked, his voice strangled.

Jasper grimaced a bit. "There's no but. Not really." His fingers traced along Edward's hairline, his expression drawn, reserved. "I just hope I'm falling for you for the right reasons."

"What are the right reasons?" Edward wondered out loud.

At that, Jasper's lips quirked upward. "I don't know, to be honest." He shifted, laying his head on Edward's shoulder and wrapping an arm around him. "That's the part that's still all snarled up. Complicated. Sometimes all this," he gestured between them, "with us... it seems so natural I think it must just be a part of me - like my... soul remembers even if my thoughts haven't caught up." He gave a little growl. "That just... does that make any sense?"

"No," Edward admitted, running his fingers through Jasper's hair. "I can't honestly say I understand how it feels to forget... everything. To not know if what you feel is because of your present or your past," he mused aloud. "I do understand the... convolutedness of it all. It's disconcerting, isn't it? For me, you're my husband - the man I want to spend the rest of my life with."

Jasper tensed just slightly at Edward's words, so he was quick to continue. "But I understand where you are. For you, we're... at that new boyfriend stage. I don't think you want to see anyone else-"

"I don't," Jasper said fervently.

Edward smiled and continued. "But you're not ready to walk down the aisle, so to speak."

"Right." Jasper's voice was tight, worried.

"I think... I think our relationship is complex, bewildering. But you're happy?" Edward verified.

"Yeah. I don't want to go anywhere."

"And I'm happy." Edward looked off, trying to reason through it all. "I don't know, Jasper," he said finally. "Love and logic seldom keep the same company. Maybe I shouldn't be so completely wrapped up in a man who can't return my level of commitment. Maybe you shouldn't settle for me just because I'm here and obviously willing." He shrugged. "Right now... it really doesn't matter. At least not for me. I'm not leaving unless you tell me that's what you want."

"It isn't what I want," Jasper said again, raising his head. "That seems like a simple enough solution - keep on keeping on."

Edward grinned and kissed him, stroking his thumbs over Jasper's knuckles as he did. Jasper gave a little sigh, his breath warm in Edward's mouth, and sagged against him. It was a good moment - the perfect dollop of whipped cream on a sweet evening.

"Will you stay with me tonight?" Jasper asked between kisses, his voice higher pitched than normal with breathiness. "Just to sleep?"

And there was the cherry - the final touch.

"Yeah. I'd like that."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I feel like you all deserve a fair warning. We're nearing the end of our little tale!
> 
> Thanks to my usual team and mycrookedsmile for listening to me whine about this chapter.
> 
> SO! Are you still out there, my lovelies?


	18. I Love You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Soooo. Edward and Jasper changed plans on me. I thought this would be the second to last chapter but it isn't. It's the last chapter.
> 
> *holds hands*

It wasn't as though Edward didn't understand the appeal of a good adrenaline rush. He was an adrenaline junky himself, in a way, or he had been. It was why he knew he had to cut Jasper some slack. After all, he was being awfully hypocritical.

Jasper wasn't exaggerating by reminding him he was in more danger, statistically speaking, every time he got in a car. And once upon a time, that average was skewed quite a bit higher by Edward's need for speed.

His father always said teenagers naturally thought they were immortal. Too many had to learn the hard way they could bleed, they could die.

Edward had been with Jasper about a year when it happened for him.

_As per usual, Edward was speeding along on his way home. He wasn't the only one. In fact, he was one of three speedsters on the road. Edward's only saving grace that evening was that he refused to be goaded into a race. Grudgingly, he let the other two drivers get ahead, watching them as they criss-crossed the road to get around the other cars._

_The sadly inevitable happened. One of the racing cars crashed. There was a_ _pile up_ _\- one Edward could have avoided had he been going the speed limit. He'd ended up with bruised ribs and a gash on his forehead._

_Other were not so lucky._

_Stumbling out to the accident scene, Edward had the chance to look in on the carnage close up. What he found would haunt him for the rest of his life._

_The driver of the first car was dead - slumped over and caught in the upside down, twisted metal that had been his car._

_The driver of the second car had walked away unscathed, but he was holding the lifeless, bloodied body of his wife._

_Time blurred. Edward shouldn't have been surprised when one of the first cops to appear on the scene was Jasper. He'd gotten out of his car almost before it was stopped and run over to Edward, checking him over, more frantic than he'd ever been._

_When he'd determined Edward would live, he'd driven him to the hospital in a stony silence. In shock and in pain, Edward didn't have the words to plead his case. He didn't notice until they were there Jasper had bypassed the closer hospital, opting to take him instead to his father._

_Like Jasper, Carlisle was frantic as he checked Edward over. Edward only wanted the comfort of their arms - his father's or Jasper's... both if he could be selfish. He wanted to hug his mother and hold the precious little girl that had recently started calling him Dada._

_And after Carlisle had finally satisfied himself that Edward's wounds weren't dire, he set about sewing up the gash on his head while Jasper went to fill a prescription for pain meds._

_"Dad?" Edward was well aware his voice was small - like a little child who knew he was in trouble. "Are you angry with me?"_

_His father sighed but touched his shoulder gently. "Of course I'm angry, Edward. You're my son, and I love you, but do you know how easily you could have died today?"_

_Edward hung his head._

_Finally, Carlisle put his arms around Edward, and let him cling as though he were a small boy all over again. "An error doesn't become a mistake unless you refuse to correct it," he reminded gently. "You've got a second chance, son. Just remember that."_

_When Jasper came in a few minutes later, Carlisle gave them some space. Edward found himself staring down at his shoes while Jasper leaned up against the wall, his arms crossed._

_Taking a shaky breath, Jasper spoke, his voice low and steady. "I don't want to be here ever again for this reason. Do you understand me?"_

_Edward chafed. "The accident wasn't my fault."_

_Jasper interrupted him before he could get further than that, his tone raised then. "I saw the skid marks from your car, Edward. Don't give me that bullshit. I know this accident wasn't your fault, but you were still going too fast."_

_"I know," Edward said quietly._

_He heard Jasper's steps on the linoleum floor and finally let out a long breath of relief when he was wrapped in his lover's strong arms. "I don't want to be here like this ever again," Jasper repeated, his voice softer now._

_Raising his arms to hold Jasper's, Edward closed his eyes, leaning back into the embrace. "You won't be," he promised._

After that, with visions of dead, twisted bodies in his head, Edward was a lot more careful. That was also when it began to worry him - the risks Jasper was taking. That was when he started to picture his husband's broken body at the bottom of a cliff.

But though Edward's worst nightmare had come true, he couldn't pretend it was the same as what he'd done. Driving the way he had when he was younger had been completely reckless, risking not only his life but the lives of everyone on the road.

Jasper had been right. Paragliding was a far cry from throwing caution to the wind and jumping, sight unseen, into the air. The instructors were cautious and dedicated. He felt secure as one could be when they were terrifyingly high above the ground.

He was scared.

But more than that, he was elated.

He'd found his highs in his passion for Jasper, his adoration for their daughter, satisfaction in the work he did... but the high of being so entirely free, the thrill of speed and the wind in his hair, was unlike any other.

There was nothing quite like an adrenaline rush.

When they landed, the second he was unstrapped, he felt like he could fly without the assistance of the glider or the instructor.

And holy Christ... He was...

Well, horny.

Though Jasper hadn't jumped with him, it still felt like a shared experience. Knowing Jasper as he did, how could he not understand the need he had to feel that free? Especially now that he was coping with a disability, an impairment when he was used to being so agile, how could Edward begrudge him this?

Maybe it wasn't safe, but living never was.

So when he was free of the glider, Edward stumbled over his own two feet - shaking from excitement - to get to Jasper. He paused a moment, long enough to ensure he was steady, before he wrapped his arms around Jasper's waist, lifting him up and spinning him around, giddy and completely elated. Jasper gave a huff of shock - he was taller than Edward, so it was slightly awkward - but then laughed, obviously amused.

Not in the slightest bit sorry, Edward set him down, punctuating the moment with a deep, needy kiss. Jasper stumbled backward, until his back hit a convenient tree. He gave himself over to the kiss, running his fingers through Edward's windblown hair.

"I guess that means you liked it?" Jasper asked, panting when they finally broke to breathe.

"I knew I would," Edward said with a sigh. Wrapping his arms around Jasper's neck, he rested his cheek against the other man's. "I have an overactive imagination. I didn't let myself think of the good things, only the bad possibilities."

"Pretty simple at the end of the day, though."

Edward nodded his agreement. His blood was still singing. It took all his considerable self control not to drag Jasper back to the Volvo to re-christen it. Instead, he looked up at Jasper feeling somehow lighter.

It wasn't that his worry went away, he had merely accepted it. Jasper wasn't doing anything so extraordinarily reckless. He was just... living.

"Promise me you won't go hiking or climbing any time soon," he said finally.

Jasper scoffed, glancing down at his leg.

"Just humor me," Edward asked quietly.

Leaning down, Jasper kissed him, soft and sweet. "I promise. No climbing mountains."

_**~0~** _

In the weeks that followed Edward's paragliding experience, Jasper was grateful to find him lighter. A weight had been lifted off both of them, it seemed.

One night, as they lay tangled in bed together, nude and in that blurry stage between frenzied activity and contented sleep, Jasper asked Edward if he was imagining the new lightness about them.

Edward raised his head, his eyes shining and adorably sleepy. "I think..." He rolled onto his side, resting his head on Jasper's shoulder and taking his hand. "You were right when you told me you weren't going to be the same. You aren't. I really struggled with that, accepting the change in you." He chuffed and sighed. "I've always known that you and I would change with time, and to stay together through that would take work. That's what being in a relationship is - work."

"You just never expected me to change overnight," Jasper filled in, playing with Edward's fingers.

"Exactly." He rolled again, this time onto his belly so he could look at Jasper directly. "I miss my husband. I do. I know I always will." His smile then was sincere, gentle. "But I think I'm finally learning to enjoy this fantastic, strong, handsome boyfriend of mine."

Jasper rolled his eyes, but he grinned back, raising his head to brush his lips under Edward's chin. "I am sorry, you know. About your husband."

Lying back again, tilting his head to catch Jasper's lips, Edward shook his head. "I am, too. But then again, I wouldn't want to give up the life we're building now."

Turning so he could push Edward's legs apart with his own, so they were brushing up against each other again, creating that delicious friction he couldn't get enough of, Jasper kissed him in earnest. "Neither would I."

_**~0~** _

With Edward more comfortable with the idea, planning for their eventual white water rafting trip was back on. Emmett was constantly over at their house.

Today, it was Emmett, Rosalie, Lucy, Edward, and Jasper all gathered around the table. The girls had decided they wanted to join in on the trip. Edward was on the fence.

On his way back from the bathroom, Jasper stopped short in the hallway, a sudden pain wracking his body. It wasn't atypical, and he stood still, gritting his teeth and waiting for the worst of it to subside.

As he stood still in the hallway, he concentrated on the conversation going on without him, trying to ignore the pain of his body.

"Why don't you want to go with us?" Emmett was asking. "You'd like it, and I bet it would make Jasper happy."

Edward hummed, the sound noncommittal. "I don't want to encroach on something that has always been yours and his. He should have time and space away from me. That's healthy."

"Well, Rosie is going. And Lucy," Emmett pointed out.

"And you're trusting Jasper alone? Have you seen my boyfriend?" Rosalie asked. "He's going to leave you just to pine after Emmett once he sees him all wet."

They all laughed, and Jasper heard Edward snort. "Please," he said mock scathingly. "I know, as the girlfriend, you're obligated to tell your man he's the most good looking, but you have eyes, Rosalie. Why lust after this big oaf when there's me to come home to?"

Jasper caught his laugh behind his hand, his grin spreading across his face.

This lighter, cockier Edward did wonderful things to his body. The rush he felt was a natural painkiller, and Jasper found it was easier to move. Leaning against the wall, he made his way back to the kitchen, pausing for a moment in the doorway to just take in the scene.

Edward was leaning over the table, fixing the strings of a guitar he'd brought home from his shop. There was a look of concentration on his face, a serious set to his eyebrows, that only stoked the fire in Jasper's belly.

Jasper could not deny he was smitten with the man. His talent. His pretty face and beautiful mind.

It was strange. These last few months they'd struggled, would continue to struggle, as they tried to rebuild their lives - together and separately. They'd shared so many profound moments, some of them wonderful, others terrible. Yet it was that moment - so innocuous and not particularly special - that an emotion so much bigger than himself hit Jasper.

Since he'd 'met' the man, he'd felt warmth toward Edward. Warmth and want - lust - appreciation, adoration.

But this feeling... This feeling was so strong it rocked him to his core. It made his heart start to pound and his stomach flutter. The smile that spread across his face - so wide it was actually painful - was completely involuntary. This emotion made him giddy, gave him the familiar feel of an adrenaline rush - all excitement mixed with a healthy dose of fear.

Jasper was in love.

Suddenly, as he looked across the room filled with friends and family, Edward was the only one he saw - like he was in color while everyone else had faded to gray.

And as the emotion struck him, Jasper sucked in a breath.

Because as he let the emotion overtake him, a memory surfaced. It was just there, attached to the love he felt, part of them, their story.

In his memory, Edward was standing on the couch that used to be in the apartment he once shared with Alice. Edward had been taking a drama class as an elective, and now performed a dramatic reading for Jasper.

_Edward was a dramatic son of a bitch, so Jasper shouldn't have been surprised he was so... good. But he was caught off guard by how completely enraptured he was in Edward's impassioned speech - a declaration of love. At first, he shouted his love from the rooftops for everyone to hear..._

_But as his words turned more personal - toward his intended - Edward looked away from the "audience" and toward Jasper. He settled back down on the couch, throwing his legs over Jasper's lap and winding his arms around his neck. His words were softer then, more intimate. He stage-whispered sweet nothings as he looked in Jasper's eyes, and Jasper found himself..._

_Dazzled._

_Completely dazed._

_"I love you, baby," Jasper said on a breath, not knowing he was going to speak until the words were already out and away from him._

_Edward gasped, the wide grin he'd been wearing fading into a more shocked expression. Jasper felt a lump rise to his throat, his pulse thready with nerves. He reexamined his words and found they rang true._

_Sitting up, he took Edward's face in his hands, studying him intently: this beautiful man who was all passion, beauty, and heart. "I love you," Jasper repeated, the words intentionally now._

Suddenly, it was as though Jasper's mouth was bone dry and Edward was water. The need he felt to get to the other man was painful. He didn't care that they had guests, didn't care that he was interrupting a conversation - he didn't even notice his pronounced limp as he made his way into the kitchen.

Edward looked up just as Jasper got to him. Jasper gave him no time to react. He wrapped his arms around Edward, pulling him up out of his seat and forward and swallowing his little yelp of surprise with a kiss. His body was tense, but Jasper didn't let go, deepening the kiss. Edward moaned into his mouth, his form melting against Jasper.

Not even close to satisfied, Jasper stumbled forward, forcing Edward to walk backward until he was pressed back against the counter.

"Holy fuck." The voice Jasper heard seemed far away, but he recognized it as Emmett.

"We're leaving, come on," Rosalie said, her tone final.

"But, babe-"

"We're leaving, Emmett. Come on, Lucy. You too."

They were long gone before Jasper finally broke their kiss.

For seconds they both panted, staring at each other, their arms wound around each other. Edward blinked rapidly. "What?" he asked, apparently the only word he could get out. The word was a rasp, raw and wispy and completely staggered.

Laughing a little, Jasper kissed his lips more sweetly and touched their foreheads together, taking Edward's hands between them. He breathed in and out, closing his eyes as he tried to fit this memory in with the journey he'd been on since he woke up in the hospital.

Opening his eyes, he took Edward's face in his hands again. "I remember," he said breathlessly.

Edward, his eyes wide, wrapped his fingers around Jasper's wrists, holding onto him as if for dear life. "You remember? What?"

Jasper considered this for a moment, trying to sort out past and present into one cohesive picture.

He did. Not everything, but enough. Glimpses. He remembered Edward laughing, but not what had made him laugh like that. He remembered crawling into bed in the early morning, waking Edward with his ice cold toes against his leg but didn't remember where he was coming in from. He remembered watching as Edward held Bella above his head as they all sat at a table covered in nicely wrapped gifts, but he couldn't remember whose birthday it was.

These little snippets of thoughts had one theme in common. Always, he remembered the way he felt, the rush of realization that he loved this man - this man was his.

Searching Edward's eyes, he spoke with clarity born of absolute certainty. "I love you." It was a declaration, a truth, a promise. "That's what I remember - how I loved you then." His voice dropped, he ran his fingers down Edward's cheeks, stroked his neck. "How I love you now."

Edward's mouth was open. His lips moved, but no sound came out.

Laughing lightly, Jasper gave him a small shake, needing to hear his voice. "Say something."

Edward stuttered before he managed to speak right. "I'm afraid to," he said on a breath.

Jasper studied him a long moment, the edges of his euphoria tinging with doubt, worry. He could see the fear clearly on Edward's face. "Why?" he asked, stroking his lover's cheeks with his thumbs.

"Because..." Edward closed his eyes, breathing deep. "I'm pretty sure this has to be a dream."

Jasper had to laugh. He kissed Edward's closed eyes, one at a time, before he kissed his lips softly. "Open your eyes, baby." He waited until Edward obeyed and grinned at him teasingly. "This is a pretty pathetic fantasy if I'm all you could come up with."

"No." Edward shook his head vehemently and kissed him, beginning to unfreeze. "No. You're better than anything I could have imagined." He wound his fingers back into Jasper's hair, pulling back just enough to look at him. "I love you, Jasper."

Those words, that moment, Jasper felt entirely weightless. More than that, he felt propelled high up, higher than he'd ever been. Caught up in the fervor again, Jasper pulled Edward up against him, kissing him until they were both breathless.

"I want you," Jasper rumbled, moving his kisses down Edward's chin to his throat. He dragged his teeth across his neck. "Now."

Edward sucked in a breath, the sound ragged, and his fingers dug into Jasper's shoulders. "You mean..."

"I mean I want you. All of you. Everything." Jasper's words were growls, demands - pure need.

And though they'd been tiptoeing around the possibility for weeks now, it suddenly didn't matter that Jasper didn't remember this - sex with a man. It didn't matter that the logistics made him nervous.

The only thing that mattered was the man in his arms. Jasper had said the words, and now he wanted nothing more than to express them physically.

Repeatedly.

Until he'd sated this desire in him.

Edward stared at him for one long second before he surged forward, away from the counter, wrapping a firm arm around Jasper's waist and propelling him forward. "Bed?" he asked.

"Bed," Jasper agreed.

They stumbled - between Jasper's limp and the fact they couldn't keep their hands off each other, walking was difficult - but they made it to their bedroom in tact, kissing hungrily. Tugging at the sweater Edward wore, Jasper nipped at the sweet spot where his neck met his shoulders. Edward moved his hands down to cup Jasper's ass, squeezing.

Jasper sat heavily on the bed, and Edward was over him in an instant, pushing him backward. Moving instinctively, Jasper scooted back before he laid down, and Edward quickly straddled him, never breaking their kiss. Jasper ran his hands up under Edward's sweater, feeling the hard lines of his body,

Ever helpful, Edward quickly pulled his sweater up and off, tossing it away from the bed before he moved his hands to the buttons of Jasper's shirt, undoing them deftly. Jasper raised his body up enough to help Edward get the fabric out of their way, all the while stealing greedy kisses.

Jasper threw his head back, gasping as Edward moved over him. He could feel the hardness of Edward's length even through their jeans.

Good.

But he wanted contact.

He wanted skin.

He wanted connection.

"Need you," he panted breathlessly, fumbling with the buttons of Edward's jeans. "Want you. Now." He didn't want foreplay. He didn't want to wait.

He couldn't speak for Edward, but he thought they'd waited long enough.

Apparently, Edward was on board with this plan. He scrambled over Jasper a little, reaching over to rummage through the nightstand drawer. It afforded Jasper a chance to kiss his chest and give his nipple a little lick.

The little noises Edward made only riled Jasper up further. He wiggled underneath the man, trying to do too many things at once - kiss his skin, get his own pants off.

Frenzied movement. Friction. Skin. Kisses. Touches.

There were no words in Jasper's head, only emotion. Maybe this was the culmination of memories, because he could swear this act was familiar, or maybe it was just that it was so undeniably right. All Jasper knew was the love he felt for the man who was moving with him. There was love in every act, every caress.

He could have disappeared in the moment Edward wrapped his hands around his cock, stroking, spreading the lube over his length. It was an incredible feeling but more titillating, more absolutely awing was the look in Edward's eyes - Jasper's love reflected back at him as deep, as complex, as entirely unfathomable as the emotion he felt at the center of his chest.

When Edward lowered himself down, taking Jasper in slowly so they could both get used to this connection again, time seemed to still.

For an endless moment, Jasper's lungs felt too full of what he felt, the love he had for Edward, that he simply didn't breathe. He didn't need to. That emotion was all he needed to survive - better than oxygen. This was exactly what sex was supposed to be about - more than mere pleasure, it was the physical embodiment of their connection, the twining of two bodies who were already connected at the soul level.

They were both still in that long moment, breathing each other in.

It was Edward who moved first, sweeping down to press pretty little, nipping kisses to Jasper's lips. "I love you. I missed you," he murmured as he kissed.

Jasper wasn't entirely sure he realized he'd spoken, the words were that light - almost inaudible.

Tilting his head up, Jasper kissed Edward, lingering kisses as he began to roll his hips, moving inside him.

Edward's weight on top of him, his tightness, his kisses, their shared little moans - there was just a sense of completeness that overtook Jasper as they expressed their love for each other.

It was like launching into the air with the paraglider - that exhilaration that was fear and excitement - but better. So much better. So much... more.

Best.

So overwhelming that he almost came embarrassingly quickly with the intensity of his ecstasy - pleasure combined with love.

But he wanted to savor this. He wanted to experience every moment. Wanted to revel in the way it felt - Edward's skin under his hands, the tensing muscles of his back, the hot puff of breath against his mouth as their movements picked up in tempo, the little whines and whimpers.

"Jasper. God," Edward moaned, leaning back on his haunches as he began to ride Jasper faster, harder.

Jasper's breath caught. His hands tightened at Edward's waist for a moment before he raised one, brushing his fingertip over the other man's lip. Edward opened his mouth, taking in Jasper's finger and sucking, his gaze intense. It made Jasper moan.

Taking his wetted finger back, Jasper took Edward's length in his hands, teasing his tip, stroking him in time with their thrusting hips.

"I love you," Jasper whispered, a cry and a plea and exclamation all in one. "Fuck. So close. I love you. Edward." All these things seemed important.

Edward leaned down again, swallowing the sound of Jasper's orgasm, muffling his long moan with his tongue. As he came, Jasper's hands tightened around Edward's cock, his hips jerked hard into him. Edward's release came on the heels of Jasper's, and he slumped forward, a dead weight on his chest.

Neither of them felt the need to move. They were sticky - skin to skin, all slick with sweat - but all of it was strangely... perfect. Their hands were clasped between them over Jasper's heart, Edward's head resting in the crook of his neck.

Never a very spiritual man, Jasper suddenly understood why people believed everything happened for a reason. The last few months had been the most difficult, confusing, and painful of his life, but the culmination of all that had brought him to this moment.

For that moment and for the life they would have together, Jasper would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: There will be an epilogue.
> 
> And profuse thanks to everyone, including you, my dear readers.
> 
> What are we thinking?


	19. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedication: It seems appropriate to me that I close this story on Thanksgiving Day. Julie, in case I don't tell you enough - I'm ever so thankful we met and that you're in my docs and in my life. I luff you, and I can't wait to meet you for really realz next week!

These days, Edward Cullen was a happy camper.

Like so many mornings, when he woke up that day he'd moved to get out of bed only to be pulled back. Grumbling, Jasper locked him in a vice grip around his waist and, for good measure, hitched his leg over Edward, locking him firmly in place. He made a contented little noise, burying his face at Edward's neck.

Laughing lightly, Edward snuggled back against him. "I have to go to work."

"No." Jasper's voice was a rumble. "You're warm." His breathing evened out almost immediately.

For a few moments, Edward closed his eyes, basking in the feel of Jasper's skin against his. Once upon a time, he took moments like these for granted because he could.

Never again.

It had been several months since Jasper's memories had sparked his first post-accident 'I love you'. Life wasn't perfect, but then life wasn't meant to be. They had their problems, but they were happy together.

Edward really did need to get to work though.

He tried to untangle himself from Jasper's web. It worked, to an extent. Edward actually got his leg outside the edge of the blanket. But just as he thought he was free and clear, Jasper let out a surprisingly feral sounding snarl and pounced again, this time pinning Edward on his back, towering over him menacingly. Edward was knocked breathless. He looked up, finding himself staring into Jasper's victorious, mischievous eyes.

"Call the boss," Jasper said, leaning down to kiss Edward. "You're going to be late," he rumbled against his lips.

Edward's breath caught on a moan as Jasper was already grinding against him. "I am the boss," he reminded his lover needlessly.

"Well good then." He backed off only to flip Edward again. Edward gasped, but he didn't have any time at all to process what had happened before Jasper's hand was on the curve of his ass, rubbing. His chest was pressed against Edward's back, his breath hot on his ear. "I'm gonna tell you what's going to happen." The scratchy, dark quality of Jasper's voice made Edward shiver in anticipation. "I'm going to get me a little of this," he squeezed Edward's ass roughly, "and then you can go to work, but you're coming home for lunch."

"Jesus."

Jasper nipped his ear. "However did you recognize me without my sandals?"

It was obvious Jasper wasn't trying to linger. Even as he nibbled on Edward's earlobe, his hand had snaked between Edward's legs where he rubbed him. "I want you, baby. I want to be up in you so deep right now."

Edward whimpered, thrusting his ass up at Jasper.

Jasper's weight bore down on him full force as he reached for the bottle of lube at the side of the bed. Edward spread his legs helpfully, whining a little when Jasper slid a slick finger inside him. "You ready for me, sugar?"

"Now. Please," Edward groaned. "Jasper."

His lover positioned himself quickly, kissing a line up Edward's back, dragging his teeth over his shoulder before he wrapped his long fingers around Edward's wrists. As Jasper slid inside him, he moved both their hands to the bars of the bed, wrapping Edward's fingers around the posts and his own fingers over his.

Jasper's kisses were fervent, his pace fast, hard, deep.

There were no words between them but the wordless communication between lovers - moans, grunts, sighs. Edward hung on for dear life, letting Jasper claim him, own him.

"I love you," Jasper said between groans. His tone was raw. "I love you, Edward."

"I love you," Edward whispered back.

With a cry, Jasper came, his hips jerking hard against Edward's naked skin.

Rolling onto his back, Jasper hissed a little. Edward flexed his fingers, aching from holding on so tight. He propped himself up on his side, frowning slightly as he watched Jasper wince.

Sometimes he pushed himself harder than his injuries wanted to let him go.

Edward stroked a strand of damp hair away from Jasper's forehead. "Are you okay?"

Jasper chuckled, opening his eyes slowly. "Yeah, babe. Just fine." His smile turned up, and he raised his hand, running it down Edward's cheek. "Now you really have to come home for lunch." He curled a finger around Edward's chin, pulling him forward. Following his direction, Edward bent down so Jasper could kiss him. "You're on the menu, and I'm going to be very hungry."

Snorting, Edward kissed him back, lingering for a moment. "I'll be home for lunch," he promised.

He took a shower, and by the time he was ready for work, Jasper was fast asleep again. Edward smiled to himself, drinking in the soft pout of his lips, the definition of his arms - more muscular than ever since he'd been compensating for the lack of strength in his legs - the way the sun played against his back...

Jasper was beautiful, and Edward was a lucky man.

_**~0~** _

Edward did come home for lunch. After Jasper reciprocated, bringing Edward to orgasm with his hands and mouth, they lay together, enjoying the peace of the afternoon.

"Edward?" Jasper's head was turned, his lips brushing against Edward's shoulder as he spoke.

"Hmm?"

Jasper raised his head. His expression was vulnerable, instantly snapping Edward out of his post-orgasm stupor. "Why didn't we..." Jasper swallowed, and tried again. "You kept calling me your husband, but we didn't ever have any kind of ceremony, did we?"

Edward blinked, trying to figure where this was going. "No... um." He laughed. "I don't think... It was kind of a business decision."

"A business decision?" Jasper's brow furrowed.

"We got to a point where we knew we were forever," Edward said quietly, his lips quirking. "We revised our living wills. You added my name as a domestic partner to all your work benefits. I added you as sole benefactor to my life insurance policy." He waved his hand. "Etcétera, etcétera, etcétera."

"But no ceremony? Whose idea was that?"

Edward pursed his lips. "You've already had one wedding, and you were hurting about your parents," he said gently.

Jasper hummed, staring off into space for a long second.

"Sweetheart..." Edward began, stroking his fingers down Jasper's chest.

Jasper caught his hand, something in his eyes shifting, changing. Whatever it was made Edward's heart begin to pound.

Reaching behind him, Jasper pulled something out from under the pillow. He pressed the thing into Edward's hand.

It was a black leather cord - the kind made to last. It was joined at the center by two silver rings running together. In the center of those was an intricate pattern of metal. It took a moment, but Edward could finally make out an E and a J.

"A diamond seemed more ostentatious than you'd like," Jasper said softly.

Edward's head snapped up, his eyes wide, his mouth open though his tongue was tied.

Smiling gently, his expression adoring, Jasper took Edward's hands in his, the necklace tangled between their fingers. "Marry me, Edward. I want more than the paperwork. I want it all. I want the ceremony with everyone we love watching us. I want to tie myself to you. I want... you."

"You have me," Edward whispered, feeling his eyes well with tears - an overflow of the emotion that grew in him.

"Will you be my husband?" Jasper asked.

"Yes." Edward rolled onto his side, kissing Jasper with deliriously happy little kisses. "Of course, yes."

Jasper's arms were tight around him in the next instant, his kisses joyous.

Edward didn't make it back to work that day.

_**~0~** _

"Papa?"

Jasper looked away from where he and Alice had been comparing a pile of dresses to see Bella looking at him with a displeased expression. "What is it, sugar?"

"Do I have to wear a dress?"

Both Jasper and Alice laughed.

"Honey, don't you want to look pretty for Papa's wedding?" Alice asked gently.

Bella screwed up her lips and looked back at Jasper. "Are you going to wear a dress?"

"Um. No," Jasper answered, laughing.

"Is Daddy?"

"No, Bella. I don't think either of us likes dresses very well."

"Well I don't like dresses either," she declared, crossing her arms.

Shaking his head, Jasper looked over at Alice. "How can I argue with logic like that?"

"Oh, Jasper. Don't," Alice begged.

"She has a point." Jasper scratched his chin and held his arms out, lifting Bella up onto his lap. "Do you want to wear a suit like me and Daddy?"

Grinning, Bella nodded enthusiastically. "Can it be purple?"

Jasper chuckled and kissed her cheek. "I think that sounds precious." Looking over her head, he smiled apologetically at Alice. "Sorry."

Alice just rolled her eyes. "I'm used to it by now," she sighed. "Well, there's always prom."

"Prom," Jasper muttered.

"It's a long ways off, but I'm holding out hope." Alice ruffled their daughter's hair affectionately.

"You think maybe you and Charlie..." Jasper trailed off, not wanting to put any ideas in Bella's head, but he nodded at her so Alice would know what he meant.

Alice's eyebrows shot up, and she huffed. "Well, you know. The future is always changing. But right now?" She shook her head, perhaps a little sadly. "What about you and Edward?"

Jasper opened his mouth to say no, but then he thought about the words. He thought about the tiny flashes of memory that had come back - of Edward with Bella.

It might be nice to give Bella a sibling.

"Well," he finally said. "You never know what life will bring."

_**~0~** _

"You invited them, didn't you?"

Jasper put down the small picture frame that sat on the mantle, not turning around to face his sister. It was the only one he had of his parents - a family picture that was taken at his graduation. His mother had her arms wrapped around his waist. His father had his arm draped over Jasper's shoulders. Lucy was standing in front of him, her grin proud and adoring.

He gave a small shrug and attempted a smile. "Dad and Mom weren't very happy when I married Alice either. We were nineteen. They didn't believe it would last." He looked up at her. "Guess they were right about that one."

"But the point is, even though they disapproved, they were here," Lucy filled in.

"It doesn't matter," Jasper said.

"It's really shitty."

"Yeah," he agreed. "But they've lost everything. Me. You. Bella."

"Edward is awesome, too. He'd make a good son-in-law."

Jasper's smile was genuine then. He looked over the other photos, the latest of all of them - Emmett, Rosalie, Lucy, himself, and Edward - in life jackets in a raft. Alice and Bella sat on the shore with Alice's boyfriend - safe on the ground but still part of the group. It had been taken two months previous when they went on their long planned for rafting trip.

All of them had stood by Jasper through a crisis of self not once but twice over. They'd ached for him, with him.

Even if his parents never accepted the choice he'd made and made again, Jasper wasn't lacking for a loving family.

_**~0~** _

"Are you nervous?" Emmett asked, his expression bemused as he watched Jasper tug restlessly at his tie.

Jasper smiled. "Not really."

"You had a strange look on your face."

"I was just thinking about how close I came to walking away from this." The corner of his lip turned up. "What I could have missed."

Emmett shook his head. "You were never going to walk away."

Jasper's grin was wide then. "Maybe you're right."

Giving his tie one last tug, Jasper stood and took a deep breath. He followed Emmett down the stairs and out into the gardens of the venue.

Benjamin stood at the bottom of the stairs looking quite dapper, but Jasper didn't see him. His eyes went to the man standing there, his hand out, his smile blindingly beautiful.

They paused, and Edward drew Jasper's hand to his lips, pressing a kiss there before he looked back in his eyes.

Together, they walked out to where their family, their friends were gathered. They faced each other, holding hands, and vowed their love and commitment.

To the cheers of all the people who loved them, they turned together to face the rest of their lives.

_**~The End~** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I am a very lucky, VERY spoiled woman. My docs are always well attended. Thank you to Naelany, jfka06, barburella, jessypt for making my docs an insightful, hilarious place to be.
> 
> And as for all of you, thank you for coming with me on this journey, for all your thoughtful reviews. I wish I could respond to them all, because they mean so much to me.
> 
> Kisses and happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate.


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